Where the Moon Isn't: A Novel

By Nathan Filer

Winner of the 2013 Costa First Novel Award (under the title The Shock of the Fall)

"A stunning novel. Ambitious and exquisitely realized . . . clearly the work of a major new talent." —S. J. Watson, New York Times bestselling author of Before I Go to Sleep

While on vacation with their parents, Matthew Homes and his older brother snuck out in the middle of the night. Only Matthew came home safely. Ten years later, Matthew tells us, he has found a way to bring his brother back...

What begins as the story of a lost boy turns into a story of a brave man yearning to understand what happened that night, in the years since, and to his very person. Unafraid to look at the shadows of our hearts, Nathan Filer's rare and brilliant debut Where the Moon Isn't shows us the strength that is rooted in resilience and love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Macmillan Publishers
• Release date: Nov 5, 2013
• ISBN: 9781250026996

Nathan Filer

Nathan Filer is a registered mental health nurse. He is also a performance poet, contributing regularly to literary events across the UK. His work has been broadcast on television and radio. The Shock of the Fall is his first novel.

Book preview

It is recommended readers use the Publisher’s Fonts when viewing Where the Moon Isn’t as an ebook. Different fonts are used in this novel and this will enhance the reading experience.

the girl and her doll

I should say that I am not a nice person. Sometimes I try to be, but often I’m not. So when it was my turn to cover my eyes and count to a hundred – I cheated.

I stood at the spot where you had to stand when it was your turn to count, which was beside the recycling bins, next to the shop selling disposable barbecues and spare tent pegs. And near to there is a small patch of overgrown grass, tucked away behind a water tap.

Except I don’t remember standing there. Not really. You don’t always remember the details like that, do you? You don’t remember if you were beside the recycling bins, or further up the path near to the shower blocks, and whether actually the water tap is up there?

I can’t now hear the manic cry of seagulls, or taste the salt in the air. I don’t feel the heat of the afternoon sun making me sweat beneath a clean white dressing on my knee, or the itching of suncream in the cracks of my scabs. I can’t make myself relive the vague sensation of having been abandoned. And neither – for what it’s worth – do I actually remember deciding to cheat, and open my eyes.

She looked about my age, with red hair and a face flecked in hundreds of freckles. Her cream dress was dusty around the hem from kneeling on the ground, and clutched to her chest was a small cloth doll, with a smudged pink face, brown woollen hair, and eyes made of shining black buttons.

The first thing she did was place her doll beside her, resting it ever so gently on the long grass. It looked comfortable, with its arms flopped to the sides and its head propped up a little. I thought it looked comfortable anyway.

We were so close I could hear the scratching and scraping, as she began to break up the dry ground with a stick. She didn’t notice me though, even when she threw the stick away and it nearly landed on my toes, all exposed in my stupid plastic flip-flops. I would have been wearing my trainers but you know what my mum’s like. Trainers, on a lovely day like today. Surely not. She’s like that.

A wasp buzzed around my head, and usually that would be enough to get me flapping around all over the place, except I didn’t let myself. I stayed totally still, not wanting to disturb the little girl, or not wanting her to know I was there. She was digging with her fingers now, pulling up the dry earth with her bare hands, until the hole was deep enough. Then she rubbed the dirt from her fingers as best she could, picked up her doll again, and kissed it twice.

That is the part I can still see most clearly – those two kisses, one on its forehead, one on the cheek.

I forgot to say, but the doll wore a coat. It was bright yellow, with a black plastic buckle at the front. This is important because the next thing she did was undo the buckle, and take this coat off. She did this very quickly, and stuffed it down the front of her dress.

Sometimes – times like now – when I think of those two kisses, it is as though I can actually feel them.

One on the forehead.

One on the cheek.

What happened next is less clear in my mind because it has merged into so many other memories, been played out in so many other ways that I can’t separate the real from the imagined, or even be sure there is a difference. So I don’t know exactly when she started to cry, or if she was crying already. And I don’t know if she hesitated before throwing the last handful of dirt. But I do know by the time the doll was covered, and the earth patted down, she was bent over, clutching the yellow coat to her chest, and weeping.

When you’re a nine-year-old boy, it’s no easy thing to comfort a girl. Especially if you don’t know her, or even what the matter is.

I gave it my best shot.

Intending to rest my arm lightly across her shoulders – the way Dad did to Mum when we took family walks – I shuffled forward, where in a moment of indecision I couldn’t commit either to kneeling beside her or staying standing. I hovered awkwardly between the two, then overbalanced, toppling in slow motion, so the first this weeping girl was aware of me, was the entire weight of my body, gently pushing her face into a freshly dug grave. I still don’t know what I should have said to make things better, and I’ve thought about this a lot. But lying beside her with the tips of our noses nearly touching, I tried, ‘I’m Matthew. What’s your name?’

She didn’t answer straight away. She tilted her head to get a better look at me, and as she did that I felt a single strand of her long hair slip quickly across the side of my tongue, leaving my mouth at the corner. ‘I’m Annabelle,’ she said.

Her name was Annabelle.

The girl with the red hair and a face flecked in hundreds of freckles is called Annabelle. Try and remember that if you can. Hold onto it through everything else that happens in life, through all the things that might make you want to forget – keep it safe somewhere.

I stood up. The dressing on my knee was now a dirty brown. I started to say we were playing hide-and-seek, that she could play too if she wanted. But she interrupted. She spoke calmly, not sounding angry or upset. And what she said was, ‘You’re not welcome here any more, Matthew.’

‘What?’

She didn’t look at me, she drew herself onto her hands and knees and focused on the small pile of loose earth – patting it neat again, making it perfect. ‘This is my daddy’s caravan park. I live here, and you’re not welcome. Go home.’

‘But—’

‘Get lost!’

She was upright in an instant, moving towards me with her chest puffed out, like a small animal trying to look bigger. She said it again, ‘Get lost, I told you. You’re not welcome.’

A seagull laughed mockingly, and Annabelle shouted, ‘You’ve ruined everything.’

It was too late to explain. By the time I reached the footpath, she was kneeling on the ground again, the little yellow doll’s coat held to her face.

The other children were shouting out, calling to be found. But I didn’t look for them. Past the shower blocks, past the shop, cutting through the park – I ran as fast as I could, my flip-flops slapping on the hot tarmac. I didn’t let myself stop, I didn’t even let myself slow down until I was close enough to our caravan to see Mum sitting out on the deckchair. She was wearing her straw sun hat, and looking out to the sea. She smiled and waved at me, but I knew I was still in her bad books. We’d sort of fallen out a few days before. It’s stupid because it was only really me who got hurt, and the scabs were nearly healed now, but my parents sometimes find it hard to let stuff go.

Mum in particular, she holds grudges.

I guess I do too.

I’ll tell you what happened because it will be a good way to introduce my brother. His name’s Simon. I think you’re going to like him. I really do. But in a couple of pages he’ll be dead. And he was never the same after that.

When we arrived at Ocean Cove Holiday Park – bored from the journey, and desperate to explore – we were told it was okay for us to go anywhere in the site, but were forbidden from going to the beach by ourselves because of how steep and uneven the path is. And because you have to go onto the main road for a bit to get to the top of it. Our parents were the kind to worry about that sort of thing – about steep paths and main roads. I decided to go to the beach anyway. I often did things that I wasn’t allowed to do, and my brother would follow. If I hadn’t decided to name this part of my story the girl and her doll then I could have named it, the shock of the fall and the blood on my knee because that was important too.

There was the shock of the fall and the blood on my knee. I’ve never been good with pain. This is something I hate about myself. I’m a total wimp. By the time Simon caught up with me, at the twist in the path where exposed roots snare unsuspecting ankles – I was wailing like a baby.

He looked so worried it was almost funny. He had a big round face, which was forever smiling and made me think of the moon. But suddenly he looked so fucking worried.

This is what Simon did. He collected me in his arms and carried me step-by-step back up the cliff path, and the quarter of a mile or so to our caravan. He did that for me.

I think a couple of adults tried to help, but the thing you need to know about Simon is that he was a bit different from most people you might meet. He went to a special school where they were taught basic stuff like not talking to strangers, so whenever he felt unsure of himself or panicked, he would retreat to these lessons to feel safe. That’s the way he worked.

He carried me all by himself. But he wasn’t strong. This was a symptom of his disorder, a weakness of the muscles. It has a name that I can’t think of now, but I’ll look it up if I get the chance. It meant that the walk half killed him. So when we got back to the caravan he had to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Here are the three things I remember most clearly from when Simon carried me:

1/ The way my chin banged against his shoulder as he walked. I worried that I was hurting him, but I was too wrapped up in my own pain to say anything.

2/ So I kissed his shoulder better, in the way that when you’re little you believe this actually works. I don’t think he noticed though, because my chin was banging against him with every step, and when I kissed him, my teeth banged instead, which, if anything, probably hurt more.

3/ Shhh, shhh. It’ll be okay. That’s what he said as he placed me down outside our caravan, before running in to get Mum. I might not have been clear enough – Simon really wasn’t strong. Carrying me like that was the hardest thing he’d ever done, but still he tried to reassure me. Shhh, shhh. It’ll be okay. He sounded so grown-up, so gentle and certain. For the first time in my life it truly felt like I had a big brother. In the few short seconds whilst I waited for Mum to come out, as I cradled my knee, stared at the dirt and grit in the skin, convinced myself I could see the bone, in those few short seconds – I felt totally safe.

Mum cleaned and dressed the wound, then she shouted at me for putting Simon in such a horrible position. Dad shouted at me too. At one point they were both shouting together, so that I wasn’t even sure who to look at. This was the way it worked. Even though my brother was three years older, it was always me who was responsible for everything. I often resented him for that. But not this time. This time he was my hero.

So that’s my story to introduce Simon. And it’s also the reason I was still in Mum’s bad books as I arrived, breathless, at our caravan, trying to make sense of what had happened with the small girl and her cloth doll.

‘Sweetheart, you’re ashen.’

She’s always calling me ashen, my mum. These days she calls me it all the time. But I forgot she said it way back then too. I completely forgot that she’s always called me ashen.

‘I’m sorry about the other day, Mum.’ And I was sorry. I’d been thinking about it a lot. About how Simon had to carry me, and how worried he had looked.

‘It’s okay, sweetheart. We’re on holiday. Try and enjoy yourself. Your dad went down to the beach with Simon, they’ve taken the kite. Shall we join them?’

‘I think I’m going to stay in for a bit. It’s hot out. I think I’m going to watch some telly.’

‘On a lovely day like today? Honestly, Matthew. What are we going to do with you?’

She sort of asked that in a friendly way, as though she didn’t really feel a need to do anything with me. She could be nice like that. She could definitely be nice like that.

‘I don’t know Mum. Sorry about the other day. Sorry about everything.’

‘It’s forgotten sweetheart, really.’

‘Promise?’

‘I promise. Let’s go and fly that kite, shall we?’

‘I don’t feel like it.’

‘You’re not watching telly, Matt.’

‘I’m in the middle of a game of hide-and-seek.’

‘You’re hiding?’

‘No. I’m seeking. I should do that really.’

But the other children had got bored of waiting to be found, and had broken off into smaller groups, and other games. I didn’t feel like playing anyway. So I wandered around for a bit, and I found myself back at the place where the girl had been. Only she wasn’t there any more. There was just the small mound of earth, now carefully decorated with a few picked buttercups and daisies, and – to mark the spot – two sticks, placed neatly in a cross.

I felt very sad. And I feel a bit sad even thinking about it. Anyway, I have to go. Jeanette from Art Group’s doing her nervous bird impression; fluttering around at the top of the corridor, trying to catch my attention.

That paper-mache won’t make itself.

I have to go.

family portraits

The next thing I knew Mum was turning up the volume of the radio, so I wouldn’t hear her crying.

It was stupid. I could hear her. I was sitting right behind her in the car and she was crying really loudly. So was Dad for that matter. He was crying and driving at the same time. I honestly didn’t know if I was crying too, but I figured that I probably was. It seemed like I should be anyway. So I touched my cheeks, but it turned out they were dry. I wasn’t crying at all.

This is what people mean when they talk about being numb, isn’t it? I was too numb to cry, you sometimes hear people say on the TV. Like on daytime chat shows or whatever. I couldn’t even feel anything, they explain. I was just completely numb. And the people in the audience nod sympathetically, like they’ve all been there, they all know exactly how this feels. I reckon it was like that, but at the time I felt very guilty about it. I buried my head in my hands, so that if Mum or Dad turned around, they would think I was crying with them.

They didn’t turn around. I never felt the reassuring squeeze of a hand on my leg, they never said it would be okay. Nobody whispered, Shhh, shhh.

I knew then – I was totally alone.

It was a strange thing to find out that way.

On the radio the DJ was introducing some new song in this really chipper voice, like it was the best song ever recorded and it made his life complete to be able to introduce it. But none of this made any sense to me. I couldn’t understand why the DJ was so happy when something so terrible had happened. That was my first proper thought. It was the thing that I remember thinking as I sort of woke up. And this is the best way that I can describe it, even though I hadn’t really been asleep.

Memories were falling away, like a dream when we first open our eyes. It was a lot like that. I could only make out the edges – night-time, running, the police were there somewhere.

And Simon was dead.

      My brother was dead.

I couldn’t hold onto any of it though. I wouldn’t get to hold it again for a very long time.

I can’t talk about it yet either. I have one chance to get this right. I need to be careful. To unfold everything neatly, so that I know how to fold it away again if it all gets too much. And everyone knows, the best way to fold something neatly is to follow the folds that are already there.

My grandmother (Mum’s mum, the one we call Nanny Noo) reads books by Danielle Steel and Catherine Cookson, and whenever she gets a new one the first thing she does is flip straight to the back to read the last page.

She always does that.

I went to stay with her for a bit. Just for the first week or so. It was a very sad week, and probably the most lonely of my life. I don’t think it is even possible to feel more lonely, even if you didn’t have your granddad and your Nanny Noo to keep you

Reviews for Where the Moon Isn't

[asxz-2 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Mental illness and grief. This was unrelentingly depressing and while it did occasionally rise above the manipulative and mawkish, it was never actually enjoyable. I'm just pleased I managed to get through it in an afternoon.

[icolford · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Nathan Filer’s Costa Book of the Year winning first novel chronicles the mental breakdown and guilt-ridden recovery process of Matt Homes, a young man whose childhood was wrecked by the death of his older brother Simon, who suffered from Down’s Syndrome. On holiday with their parents when Matt and Simon were children, an episode of mischievous nighttime tomfoolery instigated by Matt ends with Simon dead. Matt’s crushing guilt over the event is a contributing factor (one presumes) to his later diagnosis of schizophrenia, and the novel is framed as a document Matt is writing as part of his treatment to help himself and others understand what happened. The story proceeds in Matt’s at times matter-of-fact, at times funny, at times caustically sarcastic voice, a voice that effectively and entertainingly conveys his resentment, frustration, and occasional bewilderment with a psychiatric health care system that seems more concerned with following official procedure than with making lives better. Matt is perceptive, wise to his own coping strategies and those of the adults in his life. Sometimes amused, sometimes disheartened, he watches people struggle to deal with him and his disease, and decides to make it easy on them, or not. In his telling, Matt’s parents are sympathetic: kind and caring but ineffectual, his mother depressive and over-protective, his father helpless in the face of tragedy. Other characters do not come off so well, particularly the decision-makers—bureaucrats and psychiatrists—who are depicted as aloof and judgmental. What happened the night that Simon died is withheld until near the end: only revealed as Matt’s journey comes full circle and he accepts that people other than him must share responsibility for the tragedy. Filer’s accomplishment in this novel should be applauded. He writes convincingly in the voice of a 19-year-old man suffering from a devastating and debilitating illness. His indictment of the British health care system is not subtle, but oftentimes change does not result from subtlety. Filer is trained as a psychiatric nurse, so he is writing with his eyes wide open. Dramatically powerful, authentic and socially relevant, The Shock of the Fall is not an easy book, but its rewards are many.

[janeyhoho · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GOOD READ.THOROUGHLY ENJOYED IT.BRILLIANT WRITING.

[kimkimkim-7 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

An edgy, anxious and sometimes uncomfortable read. But isn't that what mental illness can be about?! In the author's words, "Mental illness turns people inwards.....It keeps us forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good leg or your good thumb seem to cease to exist."

[adrianghilder · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A few reviewers have criticised this novel as the output of a creative writing course.
When you read the author Q&A at the end of the book it is clearly something else.
It is the output of someone who was serious and passionate enough about the story he wanted to tell to go on a creative writing course to be able to tell it properly.
Story first, ability to write it second.
End result is excellence.
Yes it is hard to follow in places as the memories are rearranged like furniture in Matthews mind (Nathan made up the furniture simile not me) and I think that is why it is chaotic in places. I'm taking that as a clever bit of creative writing to communicate the feel of Matthews condition and create suspense.
I don't normally read this genre of fiction but found it among the most compelling books I have ever read.
I spend enough time writing myself to be able to claim to be an amateur unpublished part time author (like 10,000's of others) and I'm going through the "desperate to tell a story and learning how to tell it properly process" myself.
Nathan's success here shows hope that it can be done.
(This review is also posted on Amazon)

[stephengoldenberg · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I decided to read this even though it's part of a mini genre of fiction that I'm not greatly sold on - the 1st person narrative from a mentally disturbed child's point of view. However, I quite liked this up to about three quarters of the way through. The initial sections which build up his childhood home life and his relationship with his learning disabled brother are very good and quite moving. However, once he becomes a teenager in an institution battling with schizophrenia, I began to lose interest. But the narrative voice is very well sustained and the alternative narrative provided by letters also works well.

[thewasp_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Matthew was very close to his older brother Simon, but Simon dies while they are holidaying and 9 year old Matt's life begins to shift. By the time Matt is 19, he is battling to live with his schizophrenia and the sadness he feels for his lost brother. He commences writing his story of what happened to Simon and how his life has progressed. His story is sad, funny, insightful and worth reading. A different, but very enjoyable book.

[charlottejones952 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

'The Shock of the Fall' is the kind of book that will stay with you long after you read the final page. Some of the passages about grief and loss were particularly resonant and I found that the way the author tackled the issue of mental illness was extremely tactful, making the protagonist, Matthew, both relatable and distant to the reader simultaneously.

The plot and the way this was written took some time to get used to, because of the nature of the illness that Matthew has, but once I got into it, I couldn't put it down and managed to read it in a day, almost all in one sitting. The jumbled plot and the revelations that the protagonist made are as much of a mystery to the reader as the illness is to Matthew and I think that this is one of the main reasons it is such a compelling story; it drags you in, makes you understand a little more about how someone with mental illness thinks, and urges you to read on, even through the more disturbing bits.

This book is definitely character-driven rather than plot based, which I think, for this kind of story, is perfect. It allows the reader access to the characters lives and makes you connect with them more because the plot doesn't distract from what's going on. In that way, this book reminded me of Mark Haddon's 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime' and I think that anyone that liked that would fall in love with this latest offering from Nathan Filer.

I have to say, the cover was what really drew me to want to read this book. The contrast between the black tree and the white background makes it stand out compared to other books, and overall the cover definitely reflects the story without giving anything away.

I will definitely be looking to read more of Nathan Filer's works in the future as this is a strong 5 out of 5 stars and I think that the book, although it does contain some swearing, would be suitable for both teenagers and adult readers. I would recommend it to anyone who loves a more characters-driven and emotional story, that will make you think, and stay with you long after you have finished reading it.

[pennyanne_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

The story of Matthew and his struggle to come to terms with both the loss of his brother and his own developing mental illness. The reader is drawn into Matthew's world, trying to make sense of it as he is. This is the author's first novel and the Costa Book of the Year for 2013. Engaging and thoughtful, the story draws you in and has you hoping that Matthew finds a way to get past his demons and begin to cope more effectively with his illness.

[campingmomma · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This was a beautifully written book about Matthew whose brother Simon died when they were little boys and Matthew is now 19 and living with schizophrenia. Matthew "sees" his brother in the ocean tide, the wind, the birthday candle flames and when he tries to reach out for him he only succeeds in attempting to kill himself. The book is written in different fonts and writing styles with pictures and drawings all adding to the frame of mind Matthew is in while he is writing the book. I guess I didn't say that...that the book is written by Matthew, from his perspective. It takes you through his thought processes on any given day in the life of a person with mental illness. I couldn't put the book down. It just flowed so beautifully.

[libsue · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

it took a bit to find the flow of this book but once I did I couldn't put it down. I'm not in the mental health field, but was fascinated by this glimpse into the schizophrenic mind. We'll done.

[beamis12 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I have never read anything quite like this book before, it is a unique experience traveling along in the mindset of a mentally ill young man. I remember going to the theaters and seeing the movie "Beautiful Minds", I loved this movie, was completely blown away. That is how I felt at the end of this book. First time book for author Nathan Filer, and since he was a mental health nurse in previous years, he knew what he was writing about.Matthew, our unreliable narrator, has a voice that is very real and very innocent. After a tragedy in his family, from which he never really recovers, the trigger for his illness is set. We follow him as he tries to live in a life that is difficult and strange, for him things are never simple. His stays in a psychiatric wards and how his days are spent there, repeatedly going over the same things again and again, doing the same things , again and again. His courage and determination to get well, to write it all down so it could maybe make sense. Wanting to have a life, live on his own, the right to live in his own head if he wants too. Little victories, large set backs all poignantly rendered. It was impossible for me not to embrace this character, by books end we know almost everything about him and want everything to work out for him. In the beginning I wondered what was going on in this book but as the reader continues with the story , he is amply rewarded. More and more things are revealed as Matthews story goes back and forth. Wonderful first novel and look forward to many more.

[knittingmomof3 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Where the Moon Isn’t by Nathan Fuller is quite a remarkable story and one I would recommend to anyone who has not yet had the chance to read this exquisitely written piece of literature.

[eclecticdodo · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

What an excellent book, well deserving of all the attention. Matt is 19, living with schizophrenia, and writing his story as a form of therapy. We read all about his childhood and adolescence, and also his current experiences of NHS mental health services. The portrayal of mental illness and mental health services is very poignant and accurate at the same time. It combines the experiences of a service user with the insights of a professional.Later in the book Matt observes: "The worst thing about this illness isn't the things it makes me believe, or what it makes me do. It's not the control that it has over me, or even the control it's allowed other people to take. "Worse than all of that is how I have become selfish. "Mental illness turns people inwards. That's what I reckon. It keeps us forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good leg or your good thumb seem to cease to exist." "I'm stuck looking inwards. Nearly every thought I have is about me - this whole story has been all about me; the way I felt, what I thought, how I grieved."

[sianpr · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Nathan Filer really sucks you into mental illness in a tragic tale with a hopeful ending. A promising debut.

[holly_85 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Well I let the everything this book gave me sink in, and I think it's about time to leave a review. What can I say? Well first off if you like character driven books this is a prime example. Every character that was introduced to us was much more than simply two dimensional. Matt especially was a complex character who evoked much emotion from myself. His insights alone were enough to endear me to him, but with every piece of prime fiction, there was of course much more. He characterised how I personally feel, as I unfortunately have Multiple Sclerosis and am frequently unwell. He talked about how illness makes you selfish and that's exactly how I feel at times. Every great book will have a part of it that feels as if it was written especially for them, and this was it for me. ,Mental illness was tackled in a unique way here, and opened my eyes more fully to the inner struggles these people feel. There was a lot that is generaly described by such people, but also a lot that's not, giving the reader a unique insight. As the book went on I became more and more invested in Matt emotionally, and came to love all the subsequent characters uniquely. I especially felt for Matt's mother. Her grief was handled in such a way that it felt as if it was with effortless ease that she was communicated on the page. What I mean is, grief is such a complex emotion that it is not easy to communicate, but it didn't feel like that here. My only problem with this book is that it was far too short. After two months of only average reads, I just didn't want to give this book up! I actually think I'll read it again pretty soon!

[psutto_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

BrilliantMatthew has a mental illness that “sounds like a snake” and this is his story. Filer is a mental health nurse and now a Costa book winner and what a book, a well-deserved win. Filer obviously understands Schizophrenia and this neither mythologises or demonises the illness but gives Matthew space to tell his own story, in his own way. At the end of the book there is a Q&A and Filer says that his vision for the book would be a pile of untidy, different sized, papers, held together with string, paperclips and staples. The book is in a variety of fonts, to represent computer, letters, and typewritten parts as Matthew tells his story, in his own time, with constant interruptions. This is also a story about grief and family.:I’ll tell you what happened because it will be a good way to introduce my brother. His name’s Simon. I think you’re going to like him. I really do. But in a couple of pages he’ll be dead. And he was never the same after thatI will say no more about the plot. This is a very affecting, thought-provoking, emotional, intelligent and brilliantly written book. Filer’s style grabs you and won’t let go. I read this in a single day. It is one of those books where you may find that there is something in your eye in parts so bring a hankie to your favourite reading chair, snuggle up and dive right in.Overall – This very much deserves all the praise and hype, go and get a copy, now!

[kiwifortyniner · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Matthew and Simon were brothers but Simon died when they were on holiday at a young age. Matthew somehow seems to feel responsible, and has not been able to deal with it . As he gets older his life takes a downward spiral and we find him living with schizoprenia, having to tale medication, and spending time in phsyciatric wards. He decides to write his and Simon's story, and we finally learn what happened to Simon. This was a book I could not put down, beautifully writen. I think that the author did a great job of helping us see inside the mind of someone suffering from schizoprenia. I found the end of the book very moving.

[riverwillow · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

An amazing debut novel. Beautifully written and peopled by compellingly flawed characters. Simon is a charming but unreliable narrator and, despite being about mental illness - Simon is a schizophrenic - and grief, this is not a depressing read, rather a beautifully haunting one. Jo Brand described this as 'one of the best books about mental illness', but it is so much more than that, as its about life, death, love and writing.

[mnorfolk49 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Very interesting read - threw a new light for me on the impact of grief and a very interesting experience with the main character suffering with their mental health. Really enjoyed it.

[chrisway · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Stylistically, reminded me of a schizophrenic version of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night, but it lacked the charm of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. While this was a ok book, it was also depressing and kind of bleak. I felt unsettled the whole time reading it. I think the unique format possibly got this book some extra attention and praise, but I feel somewhat deflated by the whole thing. The writing just wasn't able to carry the story for me and midway through I felt like I might need anti depressants after reading this.

[micahmom2002 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

written from the perspective of a schizophrenic young man in the form of a memior. He recounts the tragedy of losing his brother with Downs Syndrome as a child and follows his childhood and various hospitalizations.

[jayne_charles_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I found this confusing, though I suspect that was the author's intention. Told from the point of view of a man with mental health issues, it reflects the confusion in his head between events now and events some time ago, so that it was sometimes difficult to tell when things actually happened and in what order. What I did find fascinating was the insight into life in a mental hospital (the author is a nurse working in mental health so I've no doubt he knows his stuff). Sometimes it was the simple, bald statements ('there is literally nothing to do') that had the most impact.

[lynetterl · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Matt never recovers from the death of his brother Simon, following an accident that occurred when they snuck out one night while on a family trip. His brother had Downs Syndrome, and I love the way the two of them got along. Matt believes the accident was his fault, and it changes him. His parents each deal with their own grief, but neither one talks much with Matt about anything that matters. Matt's family has a history of schizophrenia, so perhaps he would have ended up with that anyway, but clearly the visions he sees of his brother are part of how he is trying to cope with his loss. I liked that the ending gives some hope, while still making it clear that it's a cycle of improving and regressing. All in all, I enjoyed this story and will look forward to future writings from this author.

[romonko · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Your heart will break for little Matthew Homes as you read this startling debut novel written by Nathan Filer. Mr. Filer is a mental-health nurse, and I think that he must be an outstanding one with loads of empathy and unlimited understanding of his patients as this novel so clearly portrays. This book provides the reader with a clear and merciless image of the workings of the mind of someone who suffers from schizophrenia. This story is written totally and completely by Matthew, and it begins and ends with the tragic death of Matthew's older brother Simon when Matt was 8 and Simon was 13. Simon was a Down's Syndrome child whose little life lit up the lives of all the people in his family. He was loving and happy and he adored his little brother Matthew. When Simon dies, Matt and his family do not get over it, and Matthew especially carries around his childhood guilt into adulthood. It follows him throughout his brave struggle with his disease which materializes when he is about 17. It follows him throughout his stays in the mental health wing of the hospital and in his flat where he goes when he is released from hospital. It follows him in his dealings with his parents and with the rest of his family. It never leaves him, and while he is carrying this guilt, he cannot begin to really get a handle on dealing with his illness. Matthew decides to face his demons and he goes back to where the terrible accident happened, and then, once he is there, and begins to see things in a grown up way, he actually begins to move forward with his recovery. This is a heartbreaking and lovely book that is both hopeless and hopeful at the same time. The strength of Matthew and his determination to face his demons makes you believe in the resilience of the human race. This is one of those rare books that will stay with you for a very long time.

[nuigurumi-1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Ich hatte mir gar keine Gedanken darüber gemacht, was für eine Art Buch "Nachruf auf den Mond" ist, hätte es aber eigentlich besser wissen müssen. Alles, was ich vor dem Lesen wusste, war, dass Matt Homes in der psychiatrischen Abteilung eines Krankenhauses ist und dort seine Geschichte aufschreibt, in der es vor allem um den Tod seines älteren Bruders Simon geht, der während eines Urlaubs starb, als Matt neun Jahre alt war. Ich hatte wohl eine Art Familiengeschichte erwartet und das ist es irgendwie auch, aber hauptsächlich ist es die Lebens- und Krankengeschichte eines 19-Jährigen, der an Schizophrenie leidet – und damit genau die Art Buch, die ich eigentlich nicht mag…Der Leser begleitet Matt von dem schicksalhaften Urlaub an durch sein Leben. Man sieht, wie der Tod des älteren Sohnes die Familienstruktur zerstört und wie sich am Anfang vor allem die Mutter verändert, worunter Matt leiden muss. Dieser Teil hat mir am besten gefallen. Die Atmosphäre im Haus und Matts kindliches Unverständnis über das merkwürdige Verhalten seiner Mutter ist sehr einfühlsam erzählt und lässt sicher niemanden kalt.Matts Problem ist nicht nur, dass Simons Platz in der Familie leer bleibt, sondern auch, dass er sich an Simons Tod die Schuld gibt. Der Leser erfährt allerdings erst ganz am Ende des Buches, was wirklich passiert ist.Matt will Simon noch einen Wunsch erfüllen, den er nie bekommen hat, nämlich eine Ameisenfarm. Schon als Kind versucht er es erfolglos und als Jugendlicher verrennt er sich schließlich völlig in diese Idee. Seine Großmutter, die Erfahrung mit Schizophrenie hat, erkennt schnell, was mit ihm geschieht und sorgt dafür, dass er psychiatrische Hilfe bekommt.Matt wird mal in der Tagesklinik behandelt, mal über längere Zeit im Krankenhaus. Die Beschreibung des Alltags in der Psychiatrie hat mir gezeigt, dass dort der normalste Mensch wahnsinnig werden würde, obwohl alle sehr menschlich und freundlich sind. Das wird mich wohl noch länger verfolgen und ich werde mir darüber Gedanken machen."Nachruf auf den Mond" ist wirklich keine einfache Lektüre, weder inhaltlich noch vom Aufbau mit seinen Zeitsprüngen. Aber der Autor, der früher Krankenpfleger in einer psychiatrischen Klinik war, hat dafür gesorgt, dass ich mich in Matt hineinversetzen kann. Das war für mich bisher immer das Problem bei Büchern, in denen es um psychisch kranke Menschen geht, dass ich sie nicht verstanden habe und ihre Handlungsweise nicht nachvollziehen konnte. Bei Matt kann ich das und das macht dieses Buch so anders, und so beklemmend, ergreifend und aufwühlend.

[jnwelch_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

In The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer, 19 year old Matt Holmes is a decent-seeming young man who is driven to aberrant behavior. "I have an illness, a disease with the shape and sound of a snake. Whenever I learn something new, it learns it too … My illness knows everything I know. This was a difficult thing to get my head around." He's schizophrenic, and a compulsive writer on an old typewriter his grandmother gave him. He also has artistic talent, and we get to see his drawings in the book, along with other visual elements (like hand-written letters and differing type fonts) that fit with his story. He's trying to deal with his deep sorrow and guilt over the death of his older, Down's Syndrome brother Simon, that happened on a family vacation when they were kids. He also struggles with the demands of the mental health system and the desirable/undesirable effects of his medication, while his family struggles with his swerve into strangeness.Simon haunts him everywhere, but it is a haunting he welcomes and lives for:"I stumbled into a new morning, blurred at its edges. The streets stirred to life under a cloudy sky. People were staring at me, pointing, or turning quickly away. Each of them had him inside; his many, many atoms, and each of them with his face, his beautiful smiling face.It wasn't frightening. It wasn't like that.It was glorious."Mental health might mean losing that connection with Simon. Hmm.The author is a registered health nurse and also a performance poet, and he's authored an unusual, genuine and engrossing book. Matt is good company, with all his problems, and the other characters are well-drawn - including his unstable mother and bonhomie father, and loyal grandma Nanny Noo. Matt manages to reach a surprisingly sweet but believable ending. This one won the Costa Book of the Year Award 2013 across the pond, and deserves to be better known in the U.S. and elsewhere. Four and a half stars.

[elliepotten · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a beautifully written, effortlessly smooth and utterly compelling debut novel. Written by a registered mental health nurse, it's about a little boy called Matt whose brother Simon dies while they're on holiday; writing his story down ten years later, Matt chronicles his family's grief and recovery, and his own quiet descent into schizophrenia. It sounds really heavy when you put it like that, but it's not at all. The prose is gorgeous but easy to read, and as he slowly unfurls Matt's history, Filer drops the pieces into place with precise and perfect timing. I breezed through it in two or three days, thoroughly enjoyed every page, chuckled a few times, and had a little weep or two along the way as well. It's perfect.

[starbox_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

"an illness with the shape and sound of a snake. It slithers through the branches of our family tree", November 9, 2014This review is from: The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer (2014) Paperback (Paperback)I started reading this morning...and just read and read all day till I finished (300 pages but quite quick reading.)It's narrated by teenage Matt as he looks back on his childhood and the death of his Downs Syndrome brother (we're kept waiting till the end to find out the details on that one).As Matt leaves school (and his grief stricken mother) and begins sharing a flat and using drugs, his brother starts to take over his thoughts..."There is weather and there is climate.If it rains outside, or if you stab a classmate's shoulder with a compass needle, over and over, until his white cotton school shirt looks like blotting paper, that is the weather.But if you live in a place where it is often likely to rain, or your perception falters and dislocates so that you retreat, suspicious and afraid of those closest to you, that is the climate."A compelling read and an insight on how it may feel to have schizophrenia...the side-effects of the medication, that cause sufferers not to take it and life in the mental health system.I did fear it was about to have an unrealistic, 'happy ever after' ending, but Mr Filer keeps things realistic.Recommended.

[jolerie · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Writing about the past is a way of reliving it, a way of seeing it unfold all over again. We place memories on pieces of paper to know they will always exist. Page 306/7Matthew Homes isn't your average boy and neither is his brother. One night, they set off from their vacation home. Only one of them returns. What unfolds is a life long journey of learning to deal with grief, of letting go, of forgiveness, all while battling an enemy that is often untouchable but no less insidious. Books that can offer a perspective on subjects that are either unknown or unfamiliar to me are always an invaluable experience. Where the Moon Isn't is no exception. Delving into the subject of mental illness and all the struggles that are inherent in such an existence is both eye opening and terrifying, all at once. Filer gives us a glimpse of the daily struggles, the constant battles, and the unending journey of coping through the story of Matthew. A very poignant and worthwhile read. Recommended.