Whisking his reputation: The diary of a restaurant critic on a culinary crash course

It was the cleaner that did it. She asked — innocently but embarrassingly — why my partner James and I never had any food in the fridge. “Well,” I stuttered, “I suppose… I mean…”

Excuses were made, but in truth, who needs groceries when you never cook? It’s not as dramatic as it sounds — we’re not into extreme fasting or anything. But in 26 years of writing about restaurants, I have always consoled myself with the thought that whatever career obstacles I might encounter, I would never go hungry.

For 22 years I worked for Square Meal, much of it as editor, which required me to eat out at least four times a week, while freelancing for the Standard for the past two years has meant that my signature dish hasn’t needed to graduate beyond beans on toast since I left university in the late Nineties.

But lately, even James, the world’s biggest fan of Heinz, conceded that man cannot live on tomato sauce alone. Especially when we are having friends over for supper.

Besides, in the world of online influencers constantly creating new TikTok-ready recipes, there feels