The Most Misunderstood Concept in Psychology

Recently, I asked a group of adult children of immigrants from the former Soviet Union about attempts to enforce boundaries with their parents. (It’s a group of which I am a member: class of ’89, Leningrad to Texas.) Rarely have I received so many responses from sources so quickly.

One day, Olga B.’s mom came over and replaced her silverware with silverware that she (the mom) thought was “better.” Anna Z. gave her parents a key to her house for emergencies only, but one day, she turned around in her backyard and saw her mom waving hello at her from her own bedroom window. (She and others asked to go by their first name and an initial in order to speak freely about private family matters that, if you ask their parents, should never be shared with strangers.)

[Read: The decline of etiquette and the rise of ‘boundaries’]

Veronica M. told me her father believes that “boundaries are Stalinist.” who sticks his finger in a dam to prevent a flood: “It would be even worse if I didn’t try to protect my boundaries.”