People say horror and comedy are alike. Suspense and scares are much like the setup and punchline of a good joke. So what does it say about a game that, even in its failure to scare, it also fails to be funny? The Callisto Protocol is too stilted and impatient to be frightening, while dull pacing and story keep it from being ‘so bad it’s good’ schlock.
You play as Jacob Lee, a man with all the charm of a public toilet, who is transporting a totally-normal-not-at-all-suspicious cargo to Black Iron prison on Callisto, one of the moons of Jupiter. After a run-in with the much more interesting alleged terrorist Dani Nakamura, Jacob winds up falsely imprisoned – but don’t worry about that as, soon after (literally immediately) there’s an
