It’s Never Too Late to Have a Housewarming Party
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Lizzie: Despite having done it eight times in the past 10 years, I can’t recommend moving. Sure, it’s a good opportunity to imagine a few alternate lives and get rid of your dissolving socks, but it’s also an almost unbearable undertaking that involves reckoning with your accumulation of stuff, tussling with formerly hidden dust clumps, and swallowing expletives and tears when brokers you’ve never even seen pretend they need $8K just for telling you the code to a lock box.
Sometimes you hear stories about people who don’t move. Good deal, guilty landlord, flying under the radar of a massively bloated management company so that they never raise or even collect your rent—the classics. This past weekend, Kaitlyn and I were invited to a very belated housewarming party celebrating the enviably steady living situation of two such people: Jake and Lori, who have lived in the same rent-stabilized Crown Heights apartment for 10 years.
Kaitlyn: Jake and Lori are local celebrities who put “Kill v. Maim” on the Spotify playlist at their perfect wedding in 2019. Despite never having been to their apartment prior to the event we are recapping today, I have told countless people about it over the years. It’s an urban legend except it’s real.
In advance of the party, Jake sent out an email invitation promising “drinks/games/no prizes,” and I
