LIFETIME WARRANTY

I HAVE A MAN IN MY HOUSE, and he’s been aging for a long time now—I want to say 50-odd years. In my understanding, this aging process was supposed to refine all of his flavors, making him more robust yet more patient, more tenacious yet more caring. And while I have observed a notable uptick in tenderness and affection, I was under the impression, based on the novels I’ve read and the movies I’ve seen, that he’d become increasingly independent and bold and courageous over time.

This has not been my experience with the man in my house.

While I enjoy and treasure this man very much, lately he’s seemed to dislike rapid changes in temperature. He has a minor foot injury that he updates me on daily instead of, say, boarding a nuclear submarine in search of spies. The—a verb he would understand if he learned Spanish as he’s been threatening to do for more than a decade.