What It’s Like to Truly Be Friends With Your Ex

Each installment of “The Friendship Files” features a conversation between The Atlantic’s Julie Beck and two or more friends, exploring the history and significance of their relationship.

This week she talks with two friends who used to be married. They discuss their amicable—really!—divorce, how they reconnected afterward, what it means to be happy for someone else even if their decision hurts you, and what friendship has given them that marriage did not.

The Friends:

Matt Long, 37, a teacher who lives in Denver, Colorado
Julie Rattelmueller, 38, a massage therapist who lives in Denver, Colorado

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Julie Beck: Can you give me a brief history of your romantic relationship?

Julie Rattelmueller: Well, it was 12 years.

Matt Long: We met in February of 2004 in Montreal, Quebec, at an audition for the National Circus School of Canada.

Julie: Neither of us got in. I came from 15 years in the ballet world, which is very cutthroat and competitive. The [circus] audition was the complete opposite. Everyone was so friendly—rooting for each other, hanging out, and collaborating.

I started juggling when I was in elementary school. When I went to university, I met a circus performer, [who taught me] how to unicycle. I spent