How I Escaped My Troubles Through Science
“Occasionally, when Ammu listened to songs that she loved on the radio, something stirred inside her. A liquid ache spread under her skin, and she walked out of the world like a witch, to a better, happier place …”
—Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things
We’ve all felt the need. To just drop whatever loads we’re bearing, retreating to some private realm where our worldly concerns fade into oblivion. Freed from responsibilities, anxieties, hurts, and other miscellaneous burdens, if only transiently.
My earliest recollection of the urge must’ve been when I was around 5. My mother was colorfully scolding me the way Indian mothers do, for something I probably did but nevertheless felt unjustly prosecuted for. Turning to the sky beyond the window of our apartment building, I remember becoming consumed by what it would be like to be the letter R. Just being the letter R. Where I could exist wherever it was that letters existed, in solid form, bathed in saturated white light, finding solace in the emptiness, where feelings didn’t exist.
After a sleepless night in an orange jumpsuit in a maximum-security immigration-detention facility, I was taken back to the airport.
The urge to retreat from reality can take on a compulsive nature for some, whether it’s into the worlds in video games, literature, or some other obsession. For others, stuff of my work that is, not the worldly responsibilities that go along with it. Although I do take great pride in the latter, nothing comes close to providing me the solace, sometimes even deliverance, as some of my flights into the corner realms of theoretical physics. I recognize the solipsism and selfishness in this, but also the act of self-preservation that it represents.
