Rolling on the River
“SEE THOSE TWO SCARY-LOOKING ROCKS DOWN there on the right? Those are what we call the ‘goal posts.’ We need to go between them. Not hit them. If we hit either of those two goal posts… ”
Kylie, our river rafting guide, lets the sentence hang before our first rapid this morning like an errant barrel on the edge of Niagara Falls. Enough said. We get it.
Don’t hit the post.
It’s a simple enough directive—for, say, a hockey player or field-goal kicker on flat, delineated terra firma. Less so, it turns out, for a half-dozen helmeted humans clutching paddles aboard a raft hurtling down a tilted stretch of white-water nicknamed “The Quarter Mile of Chaos” booby-trapped with a pair of fast-approaching, game-deciding goal post boulders.
When the whirling current swings us slightly off course and then, uh-oh, backward—squoonch! — the inevitable occurs. The side of our raft grinds into one of the dreaded craggy uprights.
So what exactly happens when you hit the post on Colorado’s capricious Cache la Poudre River? The usual chaos.
Our boat highsides, rearing up on one end. Splash! — a crew member tumbles out of our listing vessel and into the drink while the rest of us barely hang on to our suddenly vertical-ish seats. Then—whump! A raft from behind plows into our stalled vehicle, loses its own footing in the relentless current, flips over, and turns its entire crew of neoprene warriors into scattered swimmers down a frigid, not-so-lazy river.
All just like that, in a matter of seconds.
What occurs next, thankfully, is a testament to the sort of quick chaos-quelling river-guide choreography one can only hope was included somewhere in that liability waiver.
Yanking our ejected passenger out of the water and back into the boat like a 180-pound stray kitten while barking naval-officer-style paddling commands at the rest of us, Kylie manages to free our stuck vessel and steer us to the opposite bank, out of harm’s way.
Meanwhile, amidst a volley of whistles, hand signals, and various other efficient rescue ops above the
