So you think you know how to read a swell chart?

Your main WhatsApp group is called Barrel Brus, but you’re on a bunch of others, such as South Coast Fish Heads, Dungeons Keepers, Pier Pressure, Grannies Who Shred, and the Wave Pool Wannabes.

However, as a keen surfer obsessed with good waves, you find your hit rate lower than desired, despite the digital candy store at your fingertips.

The skunk factor - exacerbated by the randomness spewed out by climate change - can be high. Remember when Rocklands, for want of a random generic surf spot, was rated ‘five stars’ but when you got there, it wasn’t even one?

There was gnashing. There was wailing. You drove from the 2ft onshore muck, ears burning at the vloeking from your mates. What a waste of fossil fuel (and time in our school / varsity / jail / psychiatric ward),