The History of Love: A Novel
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About this ebook
Leo Gursky taps his radiator each evening to let his upstairs neighbor know he's still alive. But it wasn't always like this: in the Polish village of his youth, he fell in love and wrote a book…Sixty years later and half a world away, fourteen-year-old Alma, who was named after a character in that book, undertakes an adventure to find her namesake and save her family. With virtuosic skill and soaring imaginative power, Nicole Krauss gradually draws these stories together toward a climax of "extraordinary depth and beauty" (Newsday).
"Vertiginously exciting…this novel is tightly packed with ingenious asides…Even at their most oddball, these flourishes reflect the deep, surprising wisdom that gives this novel its ultimate heft." - Janet Maslin, New York Times
"Krauss writes like an angel." -- The Guardian
"One of the most passionate vindications of the written word in recent fiction. It takes one's breath away." -- Spectator
"It's the sort of book that makes life bearable after all." - Miami Herald
"A significant novel, genuinely one of the year's best. Emotionally wrenching yet intellectually rigorous, idea-driven but with indelible characters and true suspense." -- New York
"Big, bold, twist-your-heart sad, kick-your-heels joyful—Nicole Krauss's brilliant novel is as deep and multifaceted as love itself." - Marie Claire
"It restores your faith in fiction. It restores all sorts of faith." - Ali Smith, award-winning author of Summer
Nicole Krauss
Nicole Krauss is the author of the novels Forest Dark, Great House, The History of Love, and Man Walks Into a Room. Her work has appeared in the New Yorker, Harper’s, Esquire, and The Best American Short Stories, and her books have been translated into more than thirty-five languages. She is currently the inaugural writer-in-residence at Columbia University’s Mind, Brain, and Behavior Institute. She lives in Brooklyn, New York.
Read more from Nicole Krauss
Great House: A Novel Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Forest Dark: A Novel Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Best European Fiction 2012 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
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Reviews for The History of Love
3,039 ratings157 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Aug 31, 2025
This book is very confusion and at times I had a hard time figuring out who was the narrator, but it is still so well-done. The novel opens with Leo Gursky. He is an old-never married Jewish writer living below his friend Bruno, also at one time a writer. Both survived Europe during the war. Leo was in love with a young woman named Alma who left for America before the war and was pregnant with Leo's child.
Alma believes that Leo has died, but after the war he manages to find her but she is married and has another son besides Isaac, his child. She does not want to upset her life and Leo goes away but watches his son from a distance for year. Issac becomes an accomplished writer.
The story gets very complicated from there. A young 15 year old girl, Alma, has lost her father and her mother, an interpreter, is extemely sad. Alma hopes to find her mother a new person to love and when the mother gets a request to transcribe "A History of Love" Alma hopes this request will lead to love.
Apparently, Leo gave the manuscript of this book to a friend before the war; the friend goes to South America, translates the book to Spanish and publishes it. I'm not sure I ever quite figured out how the author made all this come together. Yet, I kept reading. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Jun 30, 2025
Intricately crafted story with multiple points of view, centered around a book within the book. Leo Gursky wrote The History of Love about Alma, his childhood sweetheart. Leo tells his story in first person. It is year 2000 and he is eighty years old. He reflects back on life, love, loss, and loneliness. The second point of view is that of fifteen-year-old Alma Singer (named after the Alma of Leo’s book). The third is that of her brother, Bird, who believes he is a messenger of the Almighty.
The plot is compelled by a mystery, and young Alma is following clues to gain insight into her father’s life. She is trying to relieve her mother’s pain after the death of her father. Leo is still obsessed with his first love. He has endured many hardships during WWII in Poland, though the details of his experiences are mostly in the background. The book is beautifully written. I particularly enjoyed Leo’s story. It is a bittersweet tale, told with both humor and sadness. As is typical with Krauss’s books, there are a number of themes pertaining to Jewish history. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Oct 25, 2024
“there are two types of people in the world: those who prefer to be sad among others, and those who prefer to be sad alone.”
Alma Singer is almost 15 years old and was named after every girl in a little known book called 'The History of Love' supposedly written by Polish emigrant Zvi Litvinoff which her widowed mother has been asked to translate. Alma sets out to find the real Alma from the book and the man who commissioned her mother to translate it.
Alma doesn't know that Leo Gursky, the real author of 'The History of Love', now lives in New York, or that he's never stopped loving Alma Mereminski, the girl whom he wrote about 60 years before and who escaped Poland carrying his child just before the arrival of the Nazis in the country. Leo Gursky is a survivor - he survived the Holocaust, Alma leaving for America and finding out that the woman he loves has married another man. What Leo doesn't know is that 'The History of Love' has also survived the trip across the Atlantic without him, was translated from Yiddish into Spanish and published, and although few people have ever read it, it had a special place in Alma Singer's parents' marriage.
'The History of Love' is a book of parallels. Leo's adoration for Alma Mereminsky parallels Alma Singer's parents' love. Leo and Alma's separation, parallels the death of Alma Singer's father. The manuscript Gursky wrote, and how it came to be published and translated without his knowledge, parallels Gursky's own life of invisibility. And Alma's experiences as she looks for the book's Alma, take place in parallel to Gursky's present life as an old man in New York.
This book is about love and loneliness in all their forms but is also about searching. Alma Singer is searching for the real Alma Mereminski. Alma's mother is searching for the right words to translate a beloved book into English, Alma's brother is searching for a meaning to his life despite only being 12. And Leo is searching his memories and fantasies. This book is also about history :the history of the manuscript, the history of Leo's friend Zvi Litvinoff, who published Leo's book, the history of Alma Singer as well as the history of Leo's life.
Krauss uses first person to tell her story meaning that the reader can get and personal with each character. Since Alma is only 14, her immature wanderings of a young girl's mind mix with her determination for her quest. Leo is an old man, his voice has the wisdom of age, mixed with a longing for the past and a need to be noticed. Alma's younger brother's voice as he struggles to find his destiny adds yet another dimension. Krauss succeeds to balance these various voices in a narrative that has an elegance as well as a certain humanity that I found both moving and heart-warming.
Overall I found this a fascinating and well written book that get me intrigued but was let down a little by a rather rushed ending. A bit of a shame. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Jun 13, 2024
To paraphrase author Merritt Tierce, this is a book that made a wound and then stitched it up. It made my heart ache. Krauss really captures in small thoughts and gestures the depth of tenderness Leo feels for the love of his life Alma, for his friend Bruno, and especially for his son Isaac. It’s a book that truly conveyed all the pain and joy and beauty of love.
And oh my goodness, what a fantastic job narrator George Guidall did on the parts from the POV of Leo Gursky! - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Feb 1, 2024
memory says I read this when Lori first lived in Oakland - but book description does not match memory
was certain Krauss was the author and the book cover does match memory
hmmmm - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Dec 11, 2023
I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel about the book. At first, I was irritated with the many separate story lines but now I think it was absolutely genius how it all came together. I was even going to put it away about 30 or so pages into it because Leo Gursky was grossing me out...but then I allowed myself to slip into reality and humanity for a minute and then it was all ok. There were times during this book that I was cracking up--then there were times when I was bawling. Like some of the other readers, I would LOVE to read this again to pick up on all the little clues. I was also wondering if Alma saw Leo naked in her class...and I don't even remember the $100,000 man...but I do get the Bruno thing...just don't want to add too many spoilers! This has earned the spot of "My Favorite Book Read So Far This Year", (an honor that is regularly being re-awarded! - Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5
Sep 17, 2023
It was very hard for me to connect with this book, despite such good reviews. I didn't connect with the characters, but I managed to finish it with a lot of dissatisfaction. (Translated from Spanish) - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Apr 6, 2022
Magnificent book, magnificent story. Memorable characters. Do yourselves a favor and read it. (Translated from Spanish) - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Mar 15, 2022
I loved the nonlinear unfolding of this book. It engaged my attention. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Jun 8, 2021
This book is the best book I have ever read and I have read a lot of books. I love how the author makes it seem as though she was letting you in on little secrets in the chapters. It was an amazing book. That’s all there is to say. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Mar 13, 2021
It is the second book by the North American writer, in which she offers us a beautiful story, an accurate approach to the theme of love, as well as a great homage to literature. A grand read.
It maintains interest in the stories of the peculiar characters that are revealed little by little and the relationship between their lives, their two protagonists, a teenager and an elderly man, who need to forget in order to feel free. Leo Gursky, a retired Polish locksmith in New York, recovers memories and emotions from his distant youth through a manuscript he believed was lost. However, it arrives mysteriously, accompanied by a strange letter. When it is published, there is another central character, a quinceañera, Alma Singer, who intends to find the author of the book that one day her father, who died years ago, gave to her mother: it is "The History of Love," a rare novel, written in Yiddish, published in Spanish, which her father had bought in a bookstore in Buenos Aires. And a curious fact, the name of Alma, that her daughter carries, was chosen because it is the name of the protagonist of this book.
And here the mysteries begin, as at this moment, someone, we do not know who, has asked her mother to translate it into English. The intensity increases, the readers want to know. We get emotional. The teenager Alma Singer and the steps of the elderly Leo Gursky intertwine, they meet, after a random search and an ingenious plot, and thus the mystery of authorship is finally unveiled in a heartwarming, surprising, and unforgettable ending. It's worth discovering.
I compare it to a puzzle with pieces that we have to place in their place, in their space and in their time. An intimate, surprising, also beautiful and moving novel, one that is not forgotten. They made a movie, I haven't seen it, nor will I, it's not worth it. Very bad reviews. But the book… for it, yes I bet, it is very special. A great gift. (Translated from Spanish) - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Jan 26, 2021
My first encounter with this book wasn't really nice. Almost five years ago, I was completing my undergraduate studies and at some point in time I, with two of my friends, decided to go to the bookstore to unwind. One of my friends asked the bookseller if they had a copy of The History of Love. I didn't hear what she said or what the bookseller told her so I asked what was she looking for. I still remember the disappointment on her face when she said they didn't have a copy of The History of Love. Out of stock, they said. She read somewhere that it was a beautiful book. I, on the other hand, scoffed, appalled, because the title seemed to me something Nicholas Sparks had written. It was saccharine to my ears. My face contorted to a disgusted expression. I left it at that and we left the bookstore.
Fast forward to a month ago whilst I was roaming around another bookstore I saw this in one of the shelves. It reminded me of my friend who at the present was planning her wedding. I didn’t know what pushed me to buy this book but I would like to think the thought of my friend alone did. I was really grateful for that. I would like to think that in sudden sentimentality we find unexpected fondness towards things we haven't thought of twice. Moreover, things we initially did not like.
---
History of Love is indeed a beautiful book. It is arguably one of the most intimate books I have ever read. It is a revelation. I admit it very unfair of me to put it in the same level as Nicholas Sparks' works. What this book has given me in exchange of my unfounded assumption is love; a love that transcends time through memories and fiction. It doesn't shy away from the human condition and instead gives it to you until you take it wholeheartedly. It perceives life for what it is; we try to figure it out until the end without knowing what we ought to figure out in the first place. It reminds us that a memory is both a friend and an enemy.
Krauss' vivid characters complements her gripping, wonderful, and intriguing writing style. How her characters' lives are bound together by another character's work of fiction, which I did not expect until almost halfway through the book, is what made it all the more special and poignant. When I finished the book I thought about the hidden truth about one of the characters' work of fiction and Kiarostami's film, Certified Copy, came to mind. He has put it well when he said, ** "When we fall in love, we see everything as an original. We're the ones pulling the wool over our own eyes. We inflate the value so much, and add zeroes to it, that we can't afford it ourselves. Then when we can't pay the price, we start eliminating, one by one, the zeroes on the price tag. We discount the price. Then we arrive at the truth. Access to the original is out of reach for many of us. Therefore, we should value and appreciate a copy." I would like to believe that the love we give, no matter how much time has gone and the amount of people who have received it, trampled it, and returned it our capacity to give it again doesn't diminish.
I believe The History of Love is one of those books that make you discover something new every time you reread. I guess the only gripe I have is how it could jump from one chapter to another quite quickly and the amount of Jewish words I translated (it is also a learning), and how I failed to finish it in one-sitting because I had to go to work (not the book’s fault).
** "Sometimes I thought about nothing and sometimes I thought about my life. At least I made a living. What kind of living? A living. I lived. It wasn't easy. And yet. I found out how little is unbearable." (p224)
Life is painful, also joyous. It is also nonsensical. But don’t forget it is hopeful. It can be long yet it can be loving. We eventually learn how to love it back. And what each of us can do is to live it the best way we possibly can. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Oct 23, 2020
An odd work of literary fiction, but it was amazing to see how it all fit together. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Aug 18, 2020
Loved the exuberant, eloquent language and dialogue -
wished for a lot less confusion between authors and time sequences. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Jul 4, 2020
Multi layered characters who are emotional and well drawn. It is sad and funny and one grows to really like the voice of Leo Gursky. The characters are interwoven quite subtly. Perhaps too much so for me because I never truly got into this novel until the very end. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Mar 20, 2020
A young girl and an old man - both quite oblivious to the existence of the other - form the base for this fantastic book where life and love are intertwined throughout several decades. The author has used quite a few tricks and twists to make this book work, and it does; for instance, skipping between different story-tellers' perspectives, jumping in time, telling different stories starting in the middle: this may make the book sound complex, and it sometimes is, but pays off dearly at the end. It is well-written, quirky and adorable. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Mar 18, 2020
Just read it!! Fiction truly does not get any better than this. Once I picked it up, I could not put it down until I finished it - literally. The intricacy of the layering and intertwining of story upon story takes a brilliant mind to create. The ability to tell that story so that the reader can follow it, so that the reader can't wait to see where it goes, takes a writer nonpareil. And what topic is more meaningful to us all than love. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Jan 2, 2020
I love this book. That said, the reason I don't give it 5 stars is because of the structure of the book. She tells the stories of a few people, and a book within the book (also called The History of Love) and switches back and forth between them. It also doesn't help that the time frames when the stories take place are different so you're left with the task of putting the plot into a linear order yourself. That's why I can see why people could dislike the book.
It starts off wonderfully with a tale of an old man, Leo and his best friend Bruno. Then, it shifts to a young girl Alma, her mother, and her brother Bird (who I found annoying throughout the book, but even he serves a purpose in the end). We also have excerpts from the the book "The History of Love" and its author Zvi (and his wife Rosa). Ms. Krauss eventually ties things up in a very satisfying manner, but it takes time to get there.
The language and the narrators really carried me through it. There are some fantastic quotes one can take from it. Overall, I found Leo and the book excerpts to be the best part of the book and I spent time during the other portions waiting to return to one or the other. I would have preferred a more linear narrative, preferably focusing on Leo and the book, but based upon how things came together, I'm satisfied with her structure. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Nov 9, 2019
There were multiple times during this novel that I almost stopped reading and thought it might be a candidate for my "abandoned" shelf on GoodReads. I'm not sure why I continued reading. Perhaps because part of my heritage is Polish and distant relatives still live in Rożnowice in southern Poland, 94 km (58 mi) east of the regional capital Kraków.
Now that I am finished reading the novel I am appreciative of the opportunity to have read it but it is not a book that I would necessarily recommend to another individual to read. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Aug 12, 2019
Absolutely loved this book by the end. It took me about half the book to really appreciate it, but by the last page I was in love and in awe. Left me speechless - a must read. - Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5
Mar 27, 2019
As I never begin to read a book withour finishing it, I also finished this one. The characters and the stories of each ones life are difficult to follow, sometimes nothing seems to fit and make sense - frustrating. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Feb 22, 2019
The young Alma sections were wonderful. The other elements tended to drag, requiring more of leap that I was willing to exert. That's fine, I guess. I will likely read her latest novel this month, which constitutes an endorsement of sorts. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Nov 3, 2018
I should probably start off by saying that part of the story do not translate well into audiobook format. In particular, the notebook/diary entries of young Alma Singer come across a bit scattered. Somethings just come across better as the written word. That being said, George Guidall brings Leo Gursky to life with his wonderful performance. I laughed and cried with Leo. I love his feistiness, his vigor, his focus to keep on living for one more day. Add in Bruno, Leo's upstairs neighbour and "check in" partner, and the story has wonderful moments of octogenarian comedy. I found the "book within a book" angle underwhelming but appreciate that it is the book that Leo wrote sixty years earlier that is the glue that brings these divergent characters together. Even though some aspects of the story did not work that well for me, Krauss does deserve full marks for pulling off such a quietly elegant, tender story.
Overall, a wonderful tale of love, friendship, survival and finding your place. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Oct 20, 2018
An intimate, tender, and romantic novel. (Translated from Spanish) - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Aug 2, 2018
I loved this book. I generally shy away from 'feely' books, but this one really struck a chord. It addresses some deep issues that all human beings face at some point or another along the timeline that is our one and only, very unique life. There were moments when I laughed aloud to myself (Ah, Bruno) and moments when I tried to stifle my tears (because, well, all of the feels!). But even with all the roller coaster emotions that were brought about by this text, they were all pretty good ones, reflective ones. Our main character, Leo, is your 'every man' in a handful of ways, and I think most people will be able to identify with him on SOME kind of level or, at the very least, get a great list of 'take-aways' from a man who simply goes out in public to be seen (because no one wants to die on a day they hadn't been seen). My take-away ... by the time I was done, I felt like I'd been left with a little piece of Leo Gursky (long after I'd finished the last page), and I realized that there's probably a little bit of that "Leo Gursky" in all of us. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Jun 23, 2018
I wasn’t sure what to expect of this, as the title sounds quite chick-lit-y and I’d rather read the contents of my own bowel than chick-lit. But it had been passed on to me by a friend, who happens to be the only hipster I know, so I was pretty sure I was safe.
This book had me from the start, I was crying by page 13, and the story blew me away. Told mainly through the eyes of a 14 year old American girl and a 80 year old Polish Holocaust survivor who don’t know one another, it centres on a book written about a woman the man spent his life loving and whom the girl had been named after. It’s part coming-of-age, part mystery, part beautifully written gorgeousness and it is now one of my favourite books. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Jun 16, 2018
unique way to tell a story. Loved the characters. Full of surprises. Not a single boring or irrelevant narration . Left a lot to the reader’s imagination. But a bit confusing as it is narrated in a round about manner. Takes a while to sort out the different characters and the relationship between them. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Oct 15, 2017
Young Alma Singer reads a book called The History of Love and investigates her namesake who was the object of affection of its South American author, Zvi Litvinoff. Leopold Gursky, a refuge from Nazi Poland, lives alone and unappreciated in Brooklyn, New York. He laments never knowing his own son, Isaac, whose mother Alma he loved as a young man in Poland.
This book is written with many characters, some of whom have the same given name, making the story line unclear for about half of the book. Once the confusion about characters is cleared up, there’s (almost, except for Bird, Alma’s brother) smooth sailing until the end where we learn the truth about the book called The History of Love. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Jul 30, 2017
Okay, this is weird.
My sorority sister Laura just texted me about a week ago and recommended a movie: The Words. It has Bradley Cooper, Zoe Saldana, Jeremy Irons, and Dennis Quaid, among others. I watched it last night. The night before finishing this book by the pool.
The storylines turned out to be the same. The same.
How weird and serendipitous is that? Almost scary, in a cosmic way.
If I tell you any more, I will give away spoilers. However, I will say that there is a young girl trying to find the story of a woman and the author who loved her. Was she the reason for this book, which goes on to win accolades? Is there a father/son relationship that can be healed? Will her mother find happiness with anyone after the death of her father?
I admit that I didn't give this book its fair recompense. Subjugated as a "pool book", I put it aside only when I was by the pool. With that, it has taken me far longer to read it than others. Because of that, I had to occasionally go back and familiarize myself with situations and characters. However, I never lost sight of the overall story. With that said, I was not as deeply entrenched in the text as I could have been.
I recommend this one, along with the recommendation that you then watch "The Words", and let me know how intrigued you are at the similarities in the premises. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Jun 23, 2017
I admit to having a weakness for stories that break my heart. This one succeeds on many levels. The book focuses on two different stories that are related through a book called "The History of Love".
Leo Gursky is a Jewish refugee of WWII. An old man, he lives alone now after a life of losing just about everything that was important to him, including a book he wrote as a young man called "The History of Love". The book contained his life story, the bulk of which was his love for a girl named Alma. Leo now spends his days trying to be seen by people, by going to the movies and spilling his popcorn, or to the grocery store to buy something and drop coins, or being hired to pose in the nude for an art class.
The other story is about two children, Alma and Emanuel Singer, who are grieving their dead father. Alma is trying to pull their mother from her grief by trying to fix her up with another man, but eventually gets sidetracked on a mission of her own. She also worries about her brother, nicknamed ‘Bird’. Bird has no friends and is becoming overly religious, to the point where he thinks he may be the Messiah. Alma was named after a character in a book that her father once gave her mother, called ‘The History of Love’.
The parts narrated by Leo are the best, and make you see the intense loneliness of the life he is leading. The two parts finally come together in an emotional climax that had me grabbing my box of Kleenex. If you love stories that squeeze your heart dry, try this book.
Book preview
The History of Love - Nicole Krauss
ALSO BY NICOLE KRAUSS
Man Walks Into a Room
Great House
Forest Dark
001_History love_300dpi.tifTHE HISTORY OF LOVE
Nicole Krauss
W. W. NORTON & COMPANY
NEW YORK LONDON
FOR MY GRANDPARENTS
who taught me the opposite of disappearing
4a.tif 3a.tif
2a.tif 1a.tif
and FOR JONATHAN, my life
CONTENTS
Begin Reading
Heart1.tifTHE LAST WORDS ON EARTH
When they write my obituary. Tomorrow. Or the next day. It will say, LEO GURSKY IS SURVIVED BY AN APARTMENT FULL OF SHIT. I’m surprised I haven’t been buried alive. The place isn’t big. I have to struggle to keep a path clear between bed and toilet, toilet and kitchen table, kitchen table and front door. If I want to get from the toilet to the front door, impossible, I have to go by way of the kitchen table. I like to imagine the bed as home plate, the toilet as first, the kitchen table as second, the front door as third: should the doorbell ring while I am lying in bed, I have to round the toilet and the kitchen table in order to arrive at the door. If it happens to be Bruno, I let him in without a word and then jog back to bed, the roar of the invisible crowd ringing in my ears.
I often wonder who will be the last person to see me alive. If I had to bet, I’d bet on the delivery boy from the Chinese take-out. I order in four nights out of seven. Whenever he comes I make a big production of finding my wallet. He stands in the door holding the greasy bag while I wonder if this is the night I’ll finish off my spring roll, climb into bed, and have a heart attack in my sleep.
I try to make a point of being seen. Sometimes when I’m out, I’ll buy a juice even though I’m not thirsty. If the store is crowded I’ll even go so far as dropping my change all over the floor, the nickels and dimes skidding in every direction. I’ll get down on my knees. It’s a big effort for me to get down on my knees, and an even bigger effort to get up. And yet. Maybe I look like a fool. I’ll go into the Athlete’s Foot and say, What do you have in sneakers? The clerk will look me over like the poor schmuck that I am and direct me over to the one pair of Rockports they carry, something in spanking white. Nah, I’ll say, I have those already, and then I’ll make my way over to the Reeboks and pick out something that doesn’t even resemble a shoe, a waterproof bootie, maybe, and ask for it in size 9. The kid will look again, more carefully. He’ll look at me long and hard. Size 9, I’ll repeat while I clutch the webbed shoe. He’ll shake his head and go to the back for them, and by the time he returns I’m peeling off my socks. I’ll roll my pants legs up and look down at those decrepit things, my feet, and an awkward minute will pass until it becomes clear that I’m waiting for him to slip the booties onto them. I never actually buy. All I want is not to die on a day when I went unseen.
A few months ago I saw an ad in the paper. It said, NEEDED: NUDE MODEL FOR DRAWING CLASS. $15/HOUR. It seemed too good to be true. To have so much looked at. By so many. I called the number. A woman told me to come the following Tuesday. I tried to describe myself, but she wasn’t interested. Anything will do, she said.
The days passed slowly. I told Bruno about it, but he misunderstood and thought I was signing up for a drawing class in order to see nude girls. He didn’t want to be corrected. They show their boobs? he asked. I shrugged. And down there?
After Mrs. Freid on the fourth floor died, and it took three days before anyone found her, Bruno and I got into the habit of checking on each other. We’d make little excuses—I ran out of toilet paper, I’d say when Bruno opened the door. A day would pass. There would be a knock on my door. I lost my TV Guide, he’d explain, and I’d go and find him mine, even though I knew his was right there where it always was on his couch. Once he came down on a Sunday afternoon. I need a cup of flour, he said. It was clumsy, but I couldn’t help myself. You don’t know how to cook. There was a moment of silence. Bruno looked me in the eye. What do you know, he said, I’m baking a cake.
When I came to America I knew hardly anyone, only a second cousin who was a locksmith, so I worked for him. If he had been a shoemaker I would have become a shoemaker; if he had shoveled shit I, too, would have shoveled. But. He was a locksmith. He taught me the trade, and that’s what I became. We had a little business together, and then one year he got TB, they had to cut his liver out and he got a 106 temperature and died, so I took it over. I sent his wife half the profits, even after she got married to a doctor and moved to Bay Side. I stayed in the business for over fifty years. It’s not what I would have imagined for myself. And yet. The truth is I came to like it. I helped those in who were locked out, others I helped keep out what couldn’t be let in, so that they could sleep without nightmares.
Then one day I was looking out the window. Maybe I was contemplating the sky. Put even a fool in front of the window and you’ll get a Spinoza. The afternoon passed, darkness sifted down. I reached for the chain on the bulb and suddenly it was as if an elephant had stepped on my heart. I fell to my knees. I thought: I didn’t live forever. A minute passed. Another minute. Another. I clawed at the floor, pulling myself along toward the phone.
Twenty-five percent of my heart muscle died. It took time to recover and I never went back to work. A year went by. I was aware of time passing for the sake of itself. I stared out the window. I watched fall turn into winter. Winter into spring. Some days Bruno came downstairs to sit with me. We’ve known each other since we were boys; we went to school together. He was one of my closest friends, with thick glasses, reddish hair that he hated, and a voice that cracked when he was emotional. I didn’t know he was still alive and then one day I was walking down East Broadway and I heard his voice. I turned around. His back was to me, he was standing in front of the grocer’s asking for the price of some fruit. I thought: You’re hearing things, you’re such a dreamer, what is the likelihood—your boyhood friend? I stood frozen on the sidewalk. He’s in the ground, I told myself. Here you are in the United States of America, there’s McDonald’s, get a grip. I waited just to make sure. I wouldn’t have recognized his face. But. The way he walked was unmistakable. He was about to pass me, I put my arm out. I didn’t know what I was doing, maybe I was seeing things, I grabbed his sleeve. Bruno, I said. He stopped and turned. At first he seemed scared and then confused. Bruno. He looked at me, his eyes began to fill with tears. I grabbed his other hand, I had one sleeve and one hand. Bruno. He started to shake. He touched his hand to my cheek. We were in the middle of the sidewalk, people were hurrying past, it was a warm day in June. His hair was thin and white. He dropped the fruit. Bruno.
A couple of years later his wife died. It was too much to live in the apartment without her, everything reminded him, so when an apartment opened up in the floor above me he moved in. We often sit together at my kitchen table. The whole afternoon might go by without our saying a word. If we do talk, we never speak in Yiddish. The words of our childhood became strangers to us—we couldn’t use them in the same way and so we chose not to use them at all. Life demanded a new language.
Bruno, my old faithful. I haven’t sufficiently described him. Is it enough to say he is indescribable? No. Better to try and fail than not to try at all. The soft down of your white hair lightly playing about your scalp like a half-blown dandelion. Many times, Bruno, I have been tempted to blow on your head and make a wish. Only a last scrap of decorum keeps me from it. Or perhaps I should begin with your height, which is very short. On a good day you barely reach my chest. Or shall I start with the eyeglasses you fished out of a box and claimed as your own, enormous round things that magnify your eyes so that your permanent response appears to be a 4.5 on the Richter? They’re women’s glasses, Bruno! I’ve never had the heart to tell you. Many times I’ve tried. And something else. When we were boys you were the greater writer. I had too much pride to tell you then. But. I knew. Believe me when I say, I knew it then as I know it now. It pains me to think how I never told you, and also to think of all you could have been. Forgive me, Bruno. My oldest friend. My best. I haven’t done you justice. You have given me such company at the end of my life. You, especially you, who might have found the words for it all.
Once, it was a long time ago, I found Bruno lying in the middle of the living room floor next to an empty bottle of pills. He’d had enough. All he wanted was to sleep forever. Taped to his chest was a note with three words: GOODBYE, MY LOVES. I shouted out. NO, BRUNO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I slapped his face. At last his eyes fluttered open. His gaze was blank and dull. WAKE UP, YOU DUMKOP! I shouted. LISTEN TO ME NOW: YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP! His eyes drifted closed again. I dialed 911. I filled a bowl with cold water and threw it on him. I put my ear to his heart. Far off, a vague rustle. The ambulance came. At the hospital they pumped his stomach. Why did you take all those pills? the doctor asked. Bruno, sick, exhausted, coolly raised his eyes. WHY DO YOU THINK I TOOK ALL THOSE PILLS? he shrieked. The recovery room turned silent; everyone stared. Bruno groaned and turned toward the wall. That night I put him to bed. Bruno, I said. So sorry, he said. So selfish. I sighed and turned to go. Stay with me! he cried.
We never spoke of it after that. Just as we never spoke of our childhoods, of the dreams we shared and lost, of everything that happened and didn’t happen. Once we were sitting silently together. Suddenly one of us began to laugh. It was contagious. There was no reason for our laughter, but we began to giggle and the next thing we were rocking in our seats and howling, howling with laughter, tears streaming down our cheeks. A wet spot bloomed in my crotch and that made us laugh harder, I was banging the table and fighting for air, I thought: Maybe this is how I’ll go, in a fit of laughter, what could be better, laughing and crying, laughing and singing, laughing so as to forget that I am alone, that it is the end of my life, that death is waiting outside the door for me.
When I was a boy I liked to write. It was the only thing I wanted to do with my life. I invented imaginary people and filled notebooks with their stories. I wrote about a boy who grew up and got so hairy people hunted him for his fur. He had to hide in the trees, and he fell in love with a bird who thought she was a three-hundred-pound gorilla. I wrote about Siamese twins, one of which was in love with me. I thought the sex scenes were purely original. And yet. When I got older I decided I wanted to be a real writer. I tried to write about real things. I wanted to describe the world, because to live in an undescribed world was too lonely. I wrote three books before I was twenty-one, who knows what happened to them. The first was about Slonim, the town where I lived which was sometimes Poland and sometimes Russia. I drew a map of it for the frontispiece, labeling the houses and shops, here was Kipnis the butcher, and here Grodzenski the tailor, and here lived Fishl Shapiro who was either a great tzaddik or an idiot, no one could decide, and here the square and the field where we played, and here was where the river got wide and here narrow, and here the forest began, and here stood the tree from which Beyla Asch hanged herself, and here and here. And yet. When I gave it to the only person in Slonim whose opinion I cared about, she just shrugged and said she liked it better when I made things up. So I wrote a second book, and I made up everything. I filled it with men who grew wings, and trees with their roots growing into the sky, people who forgot their own names and people who couldn’t forget anything; I even made up words. When it was finished I ran all the way to her house. I raced through the door, up the stairs, and handed it to the only person in Slonim whose opinion I cared about. I leaned against the wall and watched her face as she read. It grew dark out, but she kept reading. Hours went by. I slid to the floor. She read and read. When she finished she looked up. For a long time she didn’t speak. Then she said maybe I shouldn’t make up everything, because that made it hard to believe anything.
Another person might have given up. I started again. This time I didn’t write about real things and I didn’t write about imaginary things. I wrote about the only thing I knew. The pages piled up. Even after the only person whose opinion I cared about left on a boat for America, I continued to fill pages with her name.
After she left, everything fell apart. No Jew was safe. There were rumors of unfathomable things, and because we couldn’t fathom them we failed to believe them, until we had no choice and it was too late. I was working in Minsk, but I lost my job and went home to Slonim. The Germans pushed east. They got closer and closer. The morning we heard their tanks approaching, my mother told me to hide in the woods. I wanted to take my youngest brother, he was only thirteen, but she said she would take him herself. Why did I listen? Because it was easier? I ran out to the woods. I lay still on the ground. Dogs barked in the distance. Hours went by. And then the shots. So many shots. For some reason, they didn’t scream. Or maybe I couldn’t hear their screams. Afterwards, only silence. My body was numb, I remember I tasted blood in my mouth. I don’t know how much time passed. Days. I never went back. When I got up again, I’d shed the only part of me that had ever thought I’d find words for even the smallest bit of life.
And yet.
A couple of months after my heart attack, fifty-seven years after I’d given it up, I started to write again. I did it for myself alone, not for anyone else, and that was the difference. It didn’t matter if I found the words, and more than that, I knew it would be impossible to find the right ones. And because I accepted that what I’d once believed was possible was in fact impossible, and because I knew I would never show a word of it to anyone, I wrote a sentence:
Once upon a time there was a boy.
It remained there, staring up from the otherwise blank page for days. The next week I added another. Soon there was a whole page. It made me happy, like talking aloud to myself, which I sometimes do.
Once I said to Bruno, Take a guess, how many pages do you think I have?
No idea, he said.
Write a number, I said, and slip it across the table. He shrugged and took a pen out of his pocket. He thought for a minute or two, studying my face. A ballpark guess, I said. He hunched over his napkin, scrawled a number, and turned it over. I wrote down the real number, 301, on my own napkin. We pushed the napkins across the table. I picked up Bruno’s. For reasons I can’t explain he had written 200,000. He picked up my napkin and turned it over. His face fell.
At times I believed that the last page of my book and the last page of my life were one and the same, that when my book ended I’d end, a great wind would sweep through my rooms carrying the pages away, and when the air cleared of all those fluttering white sheets the room would be silent, the chair where I sat would be empty.
Every morning, I wrote a little more. Three-hundred and one, it’s not nothing. Now and then, when I’d finished, I’d go to the movies. It’s always a big event for me. Maybe I buy some popcorn and—if people are around who’ll look—spill it. I like to sit up front, I like for the screen to fill my whole view so that there is nothing to distract me from the moment. And then I want the moment to last forever. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to watch it up there, blown up. I would say larger than life, but I’ve never understood that expression. What is larger than life? To sit in the front row and look up at a beautiful girl’s face two stories high and have the vibrations of her voice massaging your legs is to be reminded of the size of life. So I sit in the front row. If I leave with a crick in my neck and a fading hard-on it was a good seat. I’m not a dirty man. I’m a man who wanted to be as large as life.
There are passages of my book I know by heart.
By heart, this is not an expression I use lightly.
My heart is weak and unreliable. When I go it will be my heart. I try to burden it as little as possible. If something is going to have an impact, I direct it elsewhere. My gut for example, or my lungs, which might seize up for a moment but have never yet failed to take another breath. When I pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself, or I’m at the bus stop and some kids come up behind me and say, Who smells shit?—small daily humiliations—these I take, generally speaking, in my liver. Other damages I take in other places. The pancreas I reserve for being struck by all that’s been lost. It’s true that there’s so much, and the organ is so small. But. You would be surprised how much it can take, all I feel is a quick sharp pain and then it’s over. Sometimes I imagine my own autopsy. Disappointment in myself: right kidney. Disappointment of others in me: left kidney. Personal failures: kishkes. I don’t mean to make it sound like I’ve made a science of it. It’s not that well thought out. I take it where it comes. It’s just that I notice certain patterns. When the clocks are turned back and the dark falls before I’m ready, this, for reasons I can’t explain, I feel in my wrists. And when I wake up and my fingers are stiff, almost certainly I was dreaming of my childhood. The field where we used to play, the field in which everything was discovered and everything was possible. (We ran so hard we thought we would spit blood: to me that is the sound of childhood, heavy breathing and shoes scraping the hard earth.) Stiffness of the fingers is the dream of childhood as it’s been returned to me at the end of my life. I have to run them under the hot water, steam clouding the mirror, outside the rustle of pigeons. Yesterday I saw a man kicking a dog and I felt it behind my eyes. I don’t know what to call this, a place before tears. The pain of forgetting: spine. The pain of remembering: spine. All the times I have suddenly realized that my parents are dead, even now, it still surprises me, to exist in the world while that which made me has ceased to exist: my knees, it takes half a tube of Ben-Gay and a big production just to bend them. To everything a season, to every time I’ve woken only to make the mistake of believing for a moment that someone was sleeping beside me: a hemorrhoid. Loneliness: there is no organ that can take it all.
Every morning, a little more.
Once upon a time there was a boy. He lived in a village that no longer exists, in a house that no longer exists, on the edge of a field that no longer exists, where everything was discovered and everything was possible. A stick could be a sword. A pebble could be a diamond. A tree a castle.
Once upon a time there was a boy who lived in a house across the field from a girl who no longer exists. They made up a thousand games. She was Queen and he was King. In the autumn light, her hair shone like a crown. They collected the world in small handfuls. When the sky grew dark they parted with leaves in their hair.
Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering. When they were ten he asked her to marry him. When they were eleven he kissed her for the first time. When they were thirteen they got into a fight and for three weeks they didn’t talk. When they were fifteen she showed him the scar on her left breast. Their love was a secret they told no one. He promised her he would never love another girl as long as he lived. What if I die? she asked. Even then, he said. For her sixteenth birthday he gave her an English dictionary and together they learned the words. What’s this? he’d ask, tracing his index finger around her ankle, and she’d look it up. And this? he’d ask, kissing her elbow. Elbow! What kind of word is that? and then he’d lick it, making her giggle. What about this? he asked, touching the soft skin behind her ear. I don’t know, she said, turning off the flashlight and rolling over, with a sigh, onto her back. When they were seventeen they made love for the first time, on a bed of straw in a shed. Later—when things happened that they could never have imagined—she wrote him a letter that said: When will you learn that there isn’t a word for everything?
Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl whose father was shrewd enough to scrounge together all the zloty he had to send his youngest daughter to America. At first she refused to go, but the boy also knew enough to insist, swearing on his life that he’d earn some money and find a way to follow her. So she left.
