The Diary of a Nobody

By George Grossmith

George Grossmith was an English comedian, writer, composer, actor and singer, who is best known for a series of nine characters in the Gilbert and Sullivan operas, as well as the novel, "The Diary of a Nobody", which he wrote in collaboration with his brother, Weedon. Weedon Grossmith had been trained as a painter, but was forced to turn to the stage for financial reasons. The brothers were both successful actors and playwrights, specializing in comic roles. "The Diary of a Nobody" first appeared in the magazine "Punch" in 1888-1889, its popularity prompting the publication of a book that has remained in print since 1892. The "nobody" of the story is Charles Pooter, a self-important, middle aged bank clerk who is oblivious to his own gaffes and the snubs of those he considers inferior. This book's sharp satire of social insecurity and snobbery in the late Victorian era, through the overly serious voice of Pooter, will leave readers in stitches.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Digireads.com Publishing
• Release date: Jan 1, 2011
• ISBN: 9781596255784

George Grossmith

George Grossmith (1847-1912) was born in London. As a young adult George joined his father as a performer on the stage, a career which spanned four decades, during which time he wrote successful comic operas, musical sketches and innumerable songs. In 1892 he collaborated with his brother Weedon, publishing The Diary of a Nobody from a series of humorous columns they’d previously written for Punch magazine. It has been in print ever since.

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THE DIARY OF A NOBODY

BY GEORGE GROSSMITH

AND

WEEDON GROSSMITH

A Digireads.com Book

Digireads.com Publishing

Print ISBN 13: 978-1-4209-4068-8

Ebook ISBN 13: 978-1-59625-578-4

This edition copyright © 2011

Please visit www.digireads.com

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I. We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great compliment.

CHAPTER II. Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.

CHAPTER III. A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, with unexpected result.

CHAPTER IV. The Ball at the Mansion House.

CHAPTER V. After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also offended. A pleasant party at the Cummings'. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us.

CHAPTER VI. The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.

CHAPTER VII. Home again. Mrs. James' influence on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us with an announcement.

CHAPTER VIII. Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin's new berth. Fireworks at the Cummings'. The Holloway Comedians. Sarah quarrels with the charwoman. Lupin's uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.

CHAPTER IX. Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and complimentary. Party a great success.

CHAPTER X. Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed at the constant serving-up of the Blanc-Mange. Lupin expresses his opinion of Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.

CHAPTER XI. We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of a Mr. Padge. Don't care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.

CHAPTER XII. A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. Lupin's opinion of 'Xmas. Lupin's unfortunate engagement is on again.

CHAPTER XIII. I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie's mother's. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year.

CHAPTER XIV. Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. Extraordinary conduct of Gowing's.

CHAPTER XV. Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which we don't enjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.

CHAPTER XVI. We lose money over Lupin's advice as to investment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.

CHAPTER XVII. Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life realised. Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.

CHAPTER XVIII. Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd invitation to Southend.

CHAPTER XIX. Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet dinner at his uncle's, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part respecting Mr. Finsworth's pictures. A discussion on dreams.

CHAPTER XX. Dinner at Franching's to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle.

CHAPTER XXI. Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at a handsome salary.

CHAPTER XXII. Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits us again and introduces Spiritual Séances.

CHAPTER XXIII. Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear some extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important.

CHAPTER THE LAST. One of the happiest days of my life.

INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER

Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see—because I do not happen to be a 'Somebody'—why my diary should not be interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth.

CHARLES POOTER.

The Laurels,

Brickfield Terrace

Holloway.

THE DIARY OF A NOBODY

CHAPTER I. We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great compliment.

My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, The Laurels, Brickfield Terrace, Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He was certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.

After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What's the good of a home, if you are never in it? Home, Sweet Home, that's my motto. I am always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends. There is always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down—all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the Sylvia Gavotte on our new cottage piano (on the three years' system), manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard (in very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him. Now for my diary:—

April 3.—Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front door rings up in the servant's bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn't stay, saying there was an infernal smell of paint.

April 4.—Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling's worth of eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don't often make jokes.

April 5.—Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scraper coming in. Must get that scraper removed.

April 6.—Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my compliments, and he needn't call any more for orders. Couldn't find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the 'all that didn't belong to nobody. In the evening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more—the game wasn't worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, and quietly remarked that I thought it was possible for a city clerk to be a gentleman. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for he hadn't. He left the house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn't removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I will keep it for another occasion.

April 7.—Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they should be fresh. I am afraid we shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark chocolate) on Monday.

April 8, Sunday.—After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.

CHAPTER II. Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.

April 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided not to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. I simply said: Then what are you making all this fuss about it for? And he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up 'things' like you by the dozen!

I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the door, enough to break the panels.

Reviews for The Diary of a Nobody

[pilgrimjess · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

"Some people seem quite destitute a sense of Humour."The Diary of a Nobody was originally intended as a spoof against all the diaries that were being published and serialised at the time of writing yet today in the age of Blogs, Facebook and Twitter, where celebrity status can be gained seemingly without an awful lot of talent, it seems even more relevant. The book centres around Charlie Pooter (the Nobody), his wife Carrie and their son Lupin. Charlie Pooter is a City clerk who lives with his wife in Holloway. Their son Willie initially works for a bank in Oldham but early in the diary returns home after being dismissed announcing that he wants to be known by his middle name Lupin henceforth. Lupin is a chancer and everything that his father isn't. Mr Pooter has a strong sense of his own worth yet every-time he finds himself in a position that might work to his advantage some social gaffe means he misses out on the opportunity. The Pooters’ life is therefore made up of small pleasures and modest social occasions, many of which end embarrassingly and usually also involve his close friends Mr Gowings and Mr Cummings. Yet despite it all he ultimately triumphs.Sadly the world of Charles Pooter, a world of simple pleasures and of lifelong loyalty to one employer, has long disappeared yet there will probably be opportunities for people like Lupin. Yet it could be argued that the literary influence of this book, (Adrian Mole and Bridget Jones for example) can still be seen today. In fact many of the embarrassing misunderstandings that afflict Mr Pooter are directly reflected in these much later characters and afore mentioned Bloggers etc. When Mr Pooter tells Carrie and Lupin that, “I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being published”, both “burst out laughing”. But by way of an apology Carrie states; "I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by a publisher."There is a brief preview before each chapter which gives a tantalising outline of what is to follow without giving away too much detail. This is not a book that will make you laugh out loud, rather it has a gentle absurdity about it. I ended up feeling a great empathy for staid old Charlie hoping that his loyalty and sense of duty would ultimately prevail, as such I felt that the author's writing style set exactly the right tone. It is a book that has withstood the test of time, one that you read with a smile on your face and as such it deserves to be regarded as a classic.

[stevejwales · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The diary of suburban "nobody" Charles Pooter who, while being the target for a (gentle) satire of the Victorian middle class, is quite endearing in his complete lack of self-awareness and his unfailing belief in the power of terrible puns to amuse anyone... Instantly recognisable characters and situations and just as funny over a century after it was published.

[deltaqueen50 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The Diary of a Nobody written by George Grossmith and illustrated by his brother Weedon Grossmith is an English comic novel that was first published as a serial in Punch magazine in 1888-89 and then presented in book form in 1892. The book is written as the diary that records the daily lives of a London clerk, Charles Pooter, his wife Carrie, his son Lupin and many of his friends and acquaintances over a 15 month period has become a true classic and is still in print today.Much of the humor in this book is developed from the Pooter’s attempt to rise above their middle class life and the social humiliations that this resulted in. Charles Pooter’s pretensions and petty concerns become a wry satire on middle class aspirations that often sees the reader chuckling and wincing at the same time.The Diary of a Nobody is a quick and amusing read that is quaint and funny yet also gives us a glimpse into the past and a way of life that has for the most part disappeared. Even though the book is more than a century old, many will recognize the timeless character of Pooter from their own social circle or even from gazing into the mirror.

[enidav-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is one of my comfort books. Read it a million times and it still makes me smile.

[malteser1-1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I love this book - it's the second time I've read it and I enjoyed it this time just as much as the first. Charles Pooter, an ordinary little man, albeit rather pompous and self opinionated, decides to keep a diary to record the daily events of his life. Through this diary we learn so much about him as he records his hopes and aspirations, together with the many mishaps which befall him. He constantly reminded me of Captain Mainwaing of Dad's Army fame. The story is full of gentle humour and you have to warm to Charles as he struggles to achieve a higher place in society and cope with his errant son Lupin.This book was first published over 100 years ago and I think it's a little classic. Consisting of only about 150 pages, it's an easy, enjoyable read and I'd recommend it to anyone.

[wendyrey · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

One of the funniest books I have ever read. Mr Pooter is a scatterbrained charmer who does the daftest things for apparently sensible reasons.Among other idiocies he paints his bath red with what turns out to be paint not suitable for metal and ends up covered with paint himself.Endearing and hilariously funny

[herschelian · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

One of the all time great funny books. I particularly love this as we live in Upper Holloway just up the road from Pooterland. I particularly love hearing this read aloud. Brilliant.

[meggyweg · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Considering that nothing in particular really happened in this book -- no deaths, no divorces, no marriages among the important characters, no births, etc. -- I found it surprisingly interesting. This is an excellent portrait of middle-class Victorian England life that, I think, would be useful to someone researching the period. And it was amusing and definitely a page-turner; Lupin's employment woes did it for me.

[emanate28 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Lightly entertaining and funny while it lasted, but I found it quite unmemorable. It ended suddenly and without any real developments, which was too bad, as it seemed to be going somewhere.

[vivl_6 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I don't think I was supposed to like Mr Pooter but I felt great sympathy for a simple and conventional man and felt him unfairly picked on.

[condorena · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The wit and humor in this novel stands the test time.

[meditationesmartini · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

"Met a Mr. McCarvill. Did not care for him."This is cute stuff. The mighty, noble venality of the petty bourgeois. Yer modern equivalent might be a "Home Improvement" that gets that that Tim Allen dude is fucking terrible, but finds some affection anyway because it's the terrible old regular people that keep things going.

[sadiebabie · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

It was a fairly quick read. It was funny too, I'll admit that. Not laugh out loud funny, but kind of sitcom-like, if it were a sitcom based in 1892! In fact, the date thing is funny, as what struck me most was that even though the book is 114 years old, it still feels...well, not modern, but not as dated as you'd expect. It was a pleasant enough read. Not really my thing, but it was interesting to read outside of my comfort zone.

[shabacus · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

When I was a kid, I didn't get most of the references in Bugs Bunny cartoons. I watched and loved them, but much of the pop culture references of the 30s, 40s, and 50s went right over my head. At least, they did at first. Turns out, I had begun to pick up on those references just by watching, and eventually they became funny for me.The humor in The Diary of a Nobody is a lot like that for me. I'm pretty good at picking out the lines that are supposed to be humorous, and when they're not, I start to look for what I might be missing.The result is a very educational experience. I learned a lot about middle class English life in the 1890s. What struck me most of all was how similar, in many ways, it was to today.A short read, and recommended for anyone who wants to learn more about a culture not so far removed from our own.

[pgchuis · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I found this intermittently funny, but rather one-tone and sad. It is very British in its reliance on themes of social embarrassment and the fear of wearing the wrong clothes or paying the wrong amount. I'm glad it ended well for him, but I'm also glad it ended when it did.

[pondlife_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

An amusing book, but not laugh-out-loud funny. Mr Pooter is snobby, petty and weak, but he comes across as a basically good person.Apart from the comedy aspect, there are some interesting insights into victorian life.

[big_bang_gorilla · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Being the quotidian reflections of humble civil servant Charles Pooter, who at night poured out his hilariously deadpan reflections on his mundane life and work to his journal. This is the funniest book ever written.

[jvioland_1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I'm sorry. This is supposed to be one of the funniest of books - according to the English. Huh? It is only mildly amusing. When you finish it, you'll ask, "So what?"

[petulant_seraph · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

a very enjoyable and easy read, great when you can only spare a few minutes with a book and want to be amused

[michael5rimmer · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I have shelved this book as "humour" in deference to what it says on the back-cover blurb, but, despite being patriotically partial to the English style of gentle, parochial fun-poking, this just didn't quite hit the spot.

It's certainly interesting enough to finish and has some amusing moments to enjoy, but I didn't take to Mr Pooter and his circle in the way I expected. I was (foolishly, I suppose) hoping for another Mr Pickwick and his club, but the Grossmiths are not Dickens, but then, who is?

I will, I think, give it another try in a few years in order to see whether time has added to its charm, but for now I shall shelve it with mild disappointment.

[mirrani_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The book is as the title claims; a diary of events that could have happened to any random someone in the late 1800s. There is nothing hefty here, there is no real serious issue, just the life of a man who is part of a family, who have friends and meet people. It sounds completely uninteresting, but it's a classic and the comedy is a real joy to experience, as is the history itself. If you ever wanted to feel as if you were in a family from history, you should think about picking this one up.

[kristelh_15 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

English comic novel set in 1890's is a novel of Charles Pooter, a clerk. Through its humor the reader gets a picture of 1890 and what it is to be neither upper social or lower social class. Remarkably, could fit yet today.

[edmundirons · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Gentle humour. Fairly short; can be read in an evening.

[sylviac_43 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this. Another book that doesn't require a great deal of brainpower. I found myself (figuratively) cheering for pompous, socially clueless Mr. Pooter and his loving wife.

[bennyb_29 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

An enjoyable read. Plenty of comedy and I also liked the punch style cartoons and the Victorian photographs. A nice light read.

[alexrichman_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

He may be a nobody but it's hard not to fall for this utterly sweet, well-meaning but clumsy diarist. There's not much heft, but a lot of heart.

[davidgnp · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Charles Pooter slips fully-formed into these pages and delights us with his naive observations on his own humdrum domestic life in Victorian England. Among the great skills of the brothers Grossmith who created this classic character are their ability to make Pooter's low-reaching snobbery endearing, the clarity of caricature that allows us to see the real world behind cast in an absurd light, and a quality of humour that wraps us in like welcome guests at a modest but convivial party.

[madeehaness · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

A pleasantly amusing read. Although, if I ever feel the urge to read about awkward misunderstandings, clumsy accidents, embarrassing situations and the not-remarkably-funny jokes, of an unconsciously snobbish, inarticulate, fairly ridiculous, self important nobody in a middle class household I can always flip through my own diary.

Which, quite naturally, leads me to wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Pooter, "Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see--because I do not happen to be a 'Somebody'--why my diary should not be interesting."
So,
Coming soon to a bookshop near you: The Diary of a Yet Another Nobody

[rlangston-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A quick but enjoyable read. Very dry humour.

[ursula_2 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Comedy of manners with a bumbling protagonist, Charles Pooter. Funny if you like that sort of thing, which I guess I don't all that much. I smiled a few times, laughed once or twice. Recommended for: fans of Jeeves, British comedies, class-based satires.