Sex Sardines & Sauerkraut

By Anthony E Thorogood

Texas isn't the first girl in Axel's life. The story begins with an amusing scene of Axel attempting to seduce a Serbian girl called Isvarinka: 'We stood in the centre of a wide clearing in a eucalyptus forest and I held Isvarinka in my arms and hugged her. Everything we did we did to excess. When we hugged we hugged hard and long, as if the world was going to end, and when we kissed we kissed hard and long, as if our lives depended on it.' Just as things begin to get really interesting the Old Bear, Isvarinka's papa, breaks onto the page and there is one almighty kafuffle.

Reviews: 'I enjoyed this episodic romp through Europe and other foreign places, as our hero takes a gap-year to find himself and his true love. Along the way he finds a lot of other quirky characters and manages to avoid permanent damage. AE Thorogood writes funny, snappy dialogue with enough pithy description to ensure we can clearly see where the action is taking place. Fast paced and short, almost a whistle-stop tour of the world.'

'A page turner. Inside the mind of a young naive man is not where I would normally like to be but he's so engaging, direct and witty that it's fun. You know he'll get into trouble but it's fascinating to find out exactly how and what happens next. Even though the hero's brain is in his trousers he has plenty left to work the narration engine and turns out to be not so naïve after all. And it's all quite polite.'

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anthony E Thorogood
• Release date: Mar 27, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370332953

Anthony E Thorogood

I was born in London England in 1953, which makes me a baby boomer I think. Dad ran a market stall in Woolwich's Beresford Square selling anything and everything. A natural Cockney salesman with all the patter that goes with it but when he was told to give it up or die from the cold, we packed up shop and migrated to Australia. In my youth I always enjoyed my old Dad's tales of his adventures in the navy in WWII and of his childhood hop picking in Kent, I got my love of storytelling from my Dad. I wrote a book on cider in 2008 after being awarded a Churchill Fellowship to travel around the world and drink and research cider, the cider book sold out. I followed the success of my cider book by writing a series of madcap comic extravaganzas: Bigfoot Littlefoot & West. I followed the Bigfoot books with my Jack Hamma action adventure series starting with Shakespeare on the Roof. Then in 2015 I wrote three romantic travel adventures starting with Sex Sardines and Sauerkraut. This is the bit where I state that I am happily living the good life on our 5 acre property, on the beautiful island of Tasmania, spending my time walking, cycling, planting trees, growing vegetables and writing the odd book, very odd some people say.

Book preview

One: Moonlight Stardust

We stood in the centre of a wide clearing in a eucalyptus forest and I held Isvarinka in my arms and hugged her. Everything we did we did to excess. When we hugged we hugged hard and long, as if the world was going to end, and when we kissed we kissed hard and long, as if our lives depended on it. We kissed for so long that our mouths started to ache, we came up for air and gulped at the freely available oxygen like fish raiding the surface of a lake. We wanted to have sex but everything about it seemed awkward and clumsy, we knew the theory but weren't sure how to put the theory into practice. I was nineteen and Isvarinka, Varinka to her friends, was just seventeen. We were childhood sweethearts. I was now at university and she was doing her final year of school, she looked up to me as an old and wise person who knew about the world, she was very much mistaken but I didn't disabuse her.

Varinka's father was a problem, he was a big old Serbian bear, he had migrated to Australia in his youth, made some money growing vegetables to feed the local population who were too lazy to grow vegetables to feed themselves, and then sold his market garden to housing developers. Houses were more lucrative than food. He had found a beautiful blonde Australian woman, married her, built a big house on a hill and they had promptly produced a daughter, Isvarinka.

I had accompanied Varinka to a Serbian folk dance, she was a member of the local Serbian dance group, and I was now walking her home. Varinka was of medium height, her hair was thick and blonde, just like her mother's, and her eyes were turquoise blue, she had rosy red cheeks and she looked stunningly pretty in a Grimms' Fairy Tale sort of a way. She was wearing Serbian costume, it was a black skirt, white blouse, an ornate waistcoat in rusty browns and reds, dressy black boots with a low heel and a colourful scarf over her head. She looked very European and very beautiful.

We reached Varinka's home and I said how the moon would look lovely through the gum trees in a park nearby, so we wandered into the glade of eucalypts. The moon, an orange ball of fire, rose over the hills and we stood hugging and kissing and watching it make its entrance, it did look lovely but that wasn't the reason I had induced Varinka into the eucalyptus glade. I wasn't very good at lovey dovey small talk, what nineteen year old sex crazed boy is?

'You do love me?' said Varinka.

I said nothing.

'Kiss me,' said Varinka.

I didn't move.

'I love you,' she said.

I pulled her closer to me and my right hand stroked her leg, stroking her leg was one thing I had learnt to do. When I stroked her leg she kissed me more passionately. My body started to ache, especially the part designed for the reproduction of the species.

'I love you so much it hurts,' she said.

My hand was still rubbing her leg then I moved it up and under her dress. I rubbed her leg higher and higher and she kissed me harder and harder.

'I would love to be with you forever,' she said.

My hand gently moved past her hosiery and found its way to her lingerie.

'I love you Axel,' she said.

My hand reached the top of her intimate apparel and slowly slid down.

'What's your favourite food?' she said.

I had made contact with an area of her body that was new to me but I had spent many nights dreaming about it. My hand slid down exploring deeper, I was like an archaeologist discovering new and exciting worlds.

'I like all sorts, cakes and sweets the most,' she said.

I got adventurous. I slowly pushed her clothing downwards, my heart beat like a jack hammer, my body ached, my testosterone pounded away inside my brain.

'My favourite cake is custard tarts,' she said.

My fingers explored to greater depths and she took a deep breath and sighed.

'They do a nice custard tart at the local bakery,' she said.

I lowered her to the ground.

'Sometimes I have custard tarts with thick cream.'

I loosened my trousers and they fell to the floor.

'Sometimes I sprinkle icing sugar on top.'

I pulled my underwear off, I was kissing her and lying on top of her and I was beginning to have a pretty good idea how everything should fit together. I kissed her on the mouth, on the cheeks, on the neck, my heart pounded so much I thought it would explode. I felt I was about to have a heart attack, my whole body felt as if it would shatter into a thousand pieces.

'Do you like me Axel?'

'I love you,' I said.

I approached her forbidden land.

'We could have a custard tart later.'

I made contact, I hadn't quite entered the gate to the sacred city but I was waiting at the entrance ready to make the first and all important thrust when a voice like a lion roared from down the street.

'What do you two people think you are doing?'

'Dad!' said Varinka.

She pushed me away and jumped to her feet rearranging her clothes. Luckily it was dark and the old bear hadn't seen most of what was happening. I grabbed my trousers and yanked them on again, not bothering with my underwear, I had no idea where it was anyway. Her Dad ran up the street and tried to punch me in the face, I ducked.

'Dad!'

'Do you know what time it is?'

'Dad!'

'What is that on your neck?'

'Nothing.'

'What have you been doing young lady?'

'Nothing.'

'You...' he pointed at me, 'you can go home now and never darken my doorstep again.'

'Don't speak to Axel like that.'

'Come sniffing around here after my daughter like she was a bitch on heat.'

'Dad!'

'Don't you say anything, go into the house and go up to bed. This is a disgrace, I know what you two have been doing and I won't allow it, I won't allow it do you hear me?'

'Yes Dad.'

'You...' he pointed to me again, 'you can go home and I never want to see you again.'

'We love each other Dad.'

'Love! What do you know about love?'

'We know that we love each other.'

'You know nothing.'

'You...' there was that finger pointing at me again, 'don't you come sniffing around my daughter ever again.

'I...' I said.

I couldn't say that we had done nothing because we had, or at least we were about to.

'I knew you were bad the moment Isvarinka brought you home, I should have stopped it then, I blame myself.'

'Mr Bogojevic...' I said.

'Shut your mouth, you are not to make contact with my Isvarinka ever again, not by phone, not by letter, not by nothing.'

'But Dad.'

'Be quiet.'

I wanted to say, Please don't talk to Varinka like that