No Thanks, Mommy, I Peed Yesterday

By Sandy Appleyard

Do you have kids? Do you sometimes want to send them to their bedroom until puberty? And other times, do you want to hug them until they burst?

What about those moments when they say something so innocent and incredibly cute or hilarious that you wish you had a pen and paper so you could remember it?

Well, that’s exactly what I did. My children have given my husband and I so many gifts, but the most precious has been laughter. I made a record of each funny or cute thing that they said since the moment they could speak.

It’s all here in this short yet unforgettable ‘Kids Say The Darndest Things’ style memoir.

No thanks, Mommy, I peed yesterday is a witty, side-splittingly funny comedy that can be enjoyed by both young and old.

The humorous comments, explanations, and kid-thoughts will stay with you for years to come!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sandy Appleyard
• Release date: Oct 2, 2014
• ISBN: 9781500674526

Sandy Appleyard

Some have said that if you see me on the street (usually with a book in hand or a laptop fired up), I appear a cold, hard-fisted person. However, once we've spoken for five minutes or less, you'll have laughed at least once. That is, provided you appreciate sarcastic, self-deprecating wit. My first short story was penned in middle school and I was hooked ever since. I graduated with honours from Humber College and began working as an Administrative Coordinator for a large, multinational corporation shortly afterward. Quickly learning that the corporate world, despite the love I had for my job, is a slow killer of creativity, I chose to quit during maternity leave in 2006. Difficulty thinking outside the box soon evaporated when I received something that didn't come in one: my first child. While at home with the baby my imaginative energy got the better of me and my first memoir was written. It had been a dream of mine to write about my late father, who passed away from alcoholism in 1992, and it took me two years to compose a fifty-page manuscript, but I did it. After my second daughter was born in 2008 I had more fuel to write, and felt it necessary to voice the challenges and inherent gifts I acquired during my struggles with Scoliosis. Hence, my second memoir was born. The words flowed out of me with such ease I shocked myself. My love for words grew with each book I read and every word I wrote. I soon realized I had no more material to write non-fiction, which led me to take a stab at fiction. The next two books were such a revelation: it became more and more clear what my true calling was. The rest, as they say, is history!

Book preview

NO THANKS, MOMMY, I PEED YESTERDAY

Sandy Appleyard

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ISBN 9781500674526

Copyright © 2014 Sandy Appleyard. All rights reserved.

Table of Contents

Introduction

I’ll Never Wear a Backless Dress

Also by Sandy

Did You Enjoy This Book?

Author’s Note

Introduction

This is not a story, it isn’t fiction, very simply put this is a collection of all the wonderfully funny and heart warming statements our children have made since they could speak. They have given us many gifts since they entered our lives, but the most precious gift is laughter.

#1

I sneezed and asked Olivia to hurry and go get me a tissue; she exclaimed as she ran, Hurry! Before the burgers get out!!

#2

Olivia was curiously watching Lady, the family cat, clean herself, and she said matter-of-factly, Mommy, she’s hungry.

#3

I was bathing both Olivia and Victoria; Olivia in the adult bath tub and Victoria in her baby bath. Victoria was heartily splashing in her tub; Olivia started screaming, Oh no Mommy! Victoria is going to break the water!!

#4

Victoria awoke in her crib and Olivia decided to go in her room and greet her. Olivia came to me afterwards and said very sweetly, Mommy, Victoria smiled at me in her cage.

#5

Victoria was having a typical day for a toddler; she was getting into everything. Each time she got into something else, I would call her a trouble maker. As Olivia was trying to put away all her colouring books and crayons, Victoria continuously took them out of the box and threw them all over the floor again. In frustration, Olivia shouted (instead of trouble maker), Victoria, you’re a marker trouble!

#6

When Olivia awoke, I asked her if she had to go pee. She answered, No Mommy, I went pee yesterday.

#7

Our family cat, Lady was feeling a little frisky, and Olivia feared she might be playfully attacked by her. I tried to ease her fear by saying, Olivia, Lady loves you, she would never hurt you, you know that, right? Olivia responded, I know she loves me, and she’s really scary.

#8

As I read Olivia her bedtime stories, she started playing with her hair. I said to her, Did you know I helped make your hair? She looked at me and asked At the haircut store?

#9

My husband Rob was telling Olivia that we were going to McDonald’s to play with her friend Keira. Olivia asked, At the eating store?

#10

We went to the second-hand store to buy the girls some much needed clothes. On the way to the store, Olivia asked (instead of second-hand store), Mommy, where’s the hand store?

#11

Olivia came out of the bathroom and said proudly, "Mommy, I finished washing all my hands!"

#12

Olivia was playing with her doctor set. She approached me, put the blood pressure armband on me and said, See Mommy? It’s an arm humper.

#13

Olivia asked, Are you going to cook something on the (barbecue) bargeque?

#14

Olivia said her tummy hurt, so I asked her what she thought might make her feel better, she answered, My gingerbread cookie.

#15

I asked Olivia if she wanted any more brothers or sisters, she answered decisively, Mommy, I want juice.

#16

As Victoria was crying, Olivia was trying to tell me something and I couldn’t hear her as I picked Victoria up. So I told her, Honey, I can’t hear you. When Victoria stopped crying, I then asked Olivia what she wanted to tell me. She answered, Mommy, I wanted to tell you that Victoria is crying.

#17

We returned home from shopping, and when Rob finished bringing all the groceries in, Olivia asked, Daddy, are you out from outside now?

#18

We were trying to teach Olivia to recognize the places where we travel. We asked her questions like: Where are we? And she would reply, At the grocery store. Or, At home. Or, Where Mommy gets her back fixed (physiotherapy). One day we were on a