The Complete Daily Limerick (1999-2000)

By John Sloop Biederman

The first two years of DailyLimerick.net from Sloop Biederman (MAD to Chicago Tribune; Comedy Store LA to Double Door Chicago)! This series watches it grow, from traditional Limerick per day to plug hosting 1999's 10th National Poetry Slam: Limerick Slam, to noted media source (TV, radio, print) with anti-partisan commentary section as Limericks, too, evolved to include news and human experience.

• Language: English
• Publisher: John Sloop Biederman
• Release date: Jun 6, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301196272

John Sloop Biederman

John “Sloop” Biederman John “Sloop” Biederman's fate as a writer was sealed early, through encouragement from his parents and teachers. In grade school, he wrote old-time “radio” plays and won an Earth Day poetry contest in the late ’70s. (The blue spruce “sapling” prize now towers by his former family home in Ringwood, Ill.) His folks spurred his budding humorist through their favorite classics, from Laurel and Hardy to “Pink Panther” movies. Moved by authors including Poe, Tolkien and Twain, in junior high he crafted Dungeons & Dragons adventures and figured he’d grow up to be a humorous sci-fi/fantasy novelist. In high school, Sloop was an award-winning humor columnist/editor and picked journalism as (ahem) a practical career. Sloop chased rock star dreams from his teens through three semesters at the University of Illinois (Urbana-Champaign) in the ’80s. When rampant partying prompted his folks to yank the money, he moved home for a Multi-Year Funk and grunt jobs, pitching sci-fi/fantasy to magazines, earning feedback and a first unpaid “sale” (poetry), though the rag failed before publication. He moved to Chicago in 1991 and founded the first of two writers’ groups. Members loved his Floyd Pinkerton, from a one-off sci-fi story, so much they even wrote their own Floyd tales! Sloop landed in alcohol rehab and was screwed-up worse by its religiosity. Pitching Gauntlet Magazine on a 12 Steps critique (later published), he snagged his first paid story (1993), analyzing a then media circus involving child’s birthday party stripper. Rehab became his first novel’s theme (‘Hab: The Other Side of Rehab, 1993; reedited and published on Smashwords in 2013). He returned to journalism school (Columbia College Chicago) in 1994, wrote a humor column for the school’s Chronicle, rose to editor-in-chief and interned at MAD Magazine. Dismayed at the Internet’s effects on writing careers, Sloop indulged new creative directions. Sloop hit poetry readings socially and his humor verse landed paid gigs (Chicago Cultural Center, etc.). On graduating (1997), he founded a poetry scene rag, Tunnel Rat, which buried him in debt but landed him as editor of Chicago Artists’ News. In 1999, for the 10th National Poetry Slam, he hosted the Limerick Slam, founding DailyLimerick.net to plug it. (“News Limericks” and humor.) He met the woman who’d one day become his ex-wife, who moved him to California, where he worked at the L.A. Daily News, freelanced (San Fran Chronicle, MAD, etc.) and plied stand-up and comic verse at the Laugh Factory, Comedy Store, etc. Sloop hated L.A., so returned home, bolstered clips with theater (CenterstageChicago.com) and sports (The Heckler) and scored his sweetest gig, News Limericks for the Chicago Tribune’s RedEye. When RedEye axed freelance, he placed “The News of Our Time--In Rhyme” at Continental Features. As writing income waned, Sloop translated stage experience into emceeing and acting gigs (TV, ads, indie films), even stumbling into directing/producing a theater troupe (Family Shoe Players) and a regular gig playing a tour bus gangster for Untouchable Tours. The Great Recession/Internet tag team launched Sloop’s second Multi-Year Funk. While pleased he’d reinvented himself creatively, with his lifelong identity as a writer, he was now identity-challenged. After his parents’ deaths (2012 and 2014), he reclaimed his original identity by reworking the original Pinkerton tale into Drunk Space Driving in the Twenty-First Century, prelude to the novel series The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton, Space Crock.

Book preview

The Complete Daily Limerick 1999-2000: The First Year (Plus)

by John Sloop Biederman

Copyright 2013 John Biederman

Smashwords Edition

The Complete Daily Limerick

(contents of the longest running uninterrupted publisher of News (and ‘traditional’) Limericks, http://www.DailyLimerick.net)

1999-2000: The First Year (Plus)

Compiled, edited and, let’s be honest, almost entirely written by

Chief Limericist, Sloop Biederman (with help from Daily Limerick, er, ‘staff’)

Table of Contents

Introduction

The History of Daily Limerick

July, 1999

August, 1999

September, 1999

October, 1999

November, 1999

December, 1999

January, 2000

February, 2000

March, 2000

April, 2000

May, 2000

June, 2000

July, 2000

August, 2000

September, 2000

October, 2000

November, 2000

December, 2000

Introduction

I could wax nostalgic here about Daily Limerick. Throw out stories about its founding, early days, encounters along the way… Likewise, I could muse about how Daily Limerick began as a source of traditional dirty Limericks into a source of News Limericks (reserving the right to go back to naughtiness here and there). I could also talk about various other evolutions along the way—the addition of the Slappin’ and Yappin’ column, for instance, coming in late 2000. I could talk about the news events of the years covered here and how Daily Limerick’s commentary contributed…

Yet I won’t do any of those things, typical of introductions, for a few reasons. For one, the idea of reading a compilation like this seems much like, say, reading the archives of a newspaper or magazine. Which is a runabout way of saying that Daily Limerick speaks for itself. Also, unlike more journalistic sources, Daily Limerick comments upon itself, along the way—and even looks back from time to time to comment on things it has said before.

Perhaps most importantly, to be completely honest here… I’ve written a Limerick, and usually more punditry, every day for more than a decade, for no monetary gain. The major purpose of Daily Limerick compilations is to sell them, thereby perhaps earning a little something for all this effort—with as little extra effort (and writing) as is possible! Sure, a part of me would love to muse more about all of it, take a polka down Memory Lane—and maybe future edits and/or compilations will do some of that.

On that note, regarding design… The site itself, dubbed on-and-off The Tricycle on the Information Superhighway, has always been about content. Which is a fancy way of saying that it’s a design nightmare—simple asterisks separating sections and such, blah blah yadda yadda. So don’t expert cartoons, bells and whistles or even design proper with these compilations.

Bastards.

But not now.

So why do I even have an introduction here? Well, I do have a couple of things that bear mentioning. For starters, Daily Limerick began as an e-mail list (and still has an e-mailed version), which derived from Word documents, with content cut-and-pasted into the e-mails and Web layout, with those Word documents divided by month and kept in folders by year…

So, in going through those old files, we find lead-in paragraphs, and closing paragraphs, meant to accompany each day’s Limerick and other new content, within those monthly files. Realizing most of that stuff isn’t even in the Web site’s archives, we included those here before the Limericks and content for that month in question. Eventually, we stopped tweaking those lead-ins and such regularly, so we’ve only included new or significantly tweaked one for these compilations. It can be assumed, for what little its worth, that the lead-ins and lead-outs kept running—in fact, still do—but we don’t continue including them to avoid redundancy.

(By the way, while Daily Limerick does have some outside contributors and occasional help, it’s a little silly for me to use we but… It being part of a running gag, you’ll have to indulge my switching between the I and we voice.)

There’s a long document related to the site called The Daily Limerick Creed, and maybe we’ll include it in a future compilation but…not here. I’ll serve you up the History of Daily Limerick next, for any Introduction Lovers out there, then get right down to the simple content of Daily Limerick.

The History of Daily Limerick

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the Limerick Community anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

In late 2000, I added the Slappin' and Yappin' section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things post-graduation--hence, Slappin' and Yappin'. Soon, the Letters to the Idiot section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with Mike's Accursed Verse.

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John Sloop Biederman), landed a gig writing News Limericks for the Chicago Tribune's new, hip, youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL--as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year--but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list cock and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think?--well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that The Great Colon Cockling of 2003 rolls off the tongue nicely?

The year of DL's fifth anniversary, 2004, was a biggie. The Continental Features/Continental News Service syndicate took on Sloop's The News of Our Time--In Rhyme as a feature. (That's not directly related to Daily Limerick, of course, but the news poetry and all brought...synergy, or something.) The Chicago Sun-Times' Quick Takes, by Zay M. Smith, dubbed Sloop, secretary designate of the Department of Nucular, Mayonnaise and Poetry Security of QT's Shadow Administration (long story), as a way of, er, honoring (or something) Daily Limerick. (QT published another letter and limerick a bit later, too.)

In 2007, Sloop slapped a download onto the site of his first musical single and... Well, now we're getting to the fringes of Daily Limerick history proper... (See Sloop Central.)

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

1999

July, 1999

First Month’s Cut-and-Paste Lead-In (ran through August 12)

This Limerick o' the Day service is a mere taste of things to come when I host the All Limerick Poetry Slam on Thursday, Aug. 12, noon - 1:30 p.m., at the Subterranean, 2011 W. North Ave. This special slam is part of the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam Festivities in Chicago, Aug. 12 - 15.

Please e-mail a friend a day about joining this exciting Limerick o' The Day service! Due to the bawdy nature of limericks, interested parties must E-MAIL ME AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON!

7/12/99

There once was a dame from Sheboygan,

when you met her, you'd swear she's a coy one,

but real late, after work

at the kid's store she clerks

she's been known to go wee! with a toy gun.

7/13/99

In a good mood, one night, I did dance

at the TV I happened to glance

I saw Jenny Love Hewitt

of the dance, I said screw it

and soon found I was stuck to my pants.

7/14/99

We once knew a woman named Heather,

who had quite a fondness for leather

only Freddy did date her

and now no-one will mate her

for she filled up his rectum with feather.

Poor 'ol Freddy now never eats beans,

for whenever he farts now his spleen's

all aflutter with giggles

and his cheeks shake with wiggles

and he sometimes just craps in his jeans.

7/15/99

On the night that the Johnsons were wed,

their