Seeking Jesus Finding Allah

By Mariana Tavares

Seeking Jesus, Finding Allah: From Trinity to Tawhid is a deeply personal and intellectually honest journey of faith, doubt, and discovery. Written from the pages of a former Christian preacher's diary, this book chronicles the author's transformative path from Christianity to embracing Islam.

In these pages, you will find heartfelt reflections, raw doubts, and the searching spirit of one woman who dared to question her beliefs. Drawing upon years of personal experience and thorough academic research, the author explores the core doctrines of Christianity and Islam, comparing the concept of the Trinity with the Islamic understanding of Tawhid (the oneness of God) and much more.

Whether you are a seeker of truth, stuck between worlds, a student of religion, or simply curious about interfaith perspectives, Seeking Jesus, Finding Allah offers a unique blend of spiritual narrative and scholarly analysis. It is a story about finding clarity in faith and peace in understanding, inviting readers to reconsider the foundations of belief and the nature of God.

Discover a journey that transcends labels and challenges assumptions, a journey from doubt to certainty, from the cross to the crescent.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Staten House
• Release date: Nov 24, 2025
• ISBN: 9798900467030

Book preview

Chapter 1

My Journey to Truth (Story Part of My Diary)

How everything began...

February 4, 2024

Today, I’m starting to document my journey of faith before the memories fade or get distorted over time.

Almost 2 years ago in 2022, I first encountered Islam while preaching the gospel on the streets to a group of muslims. It was interesting how similar it was but I saw it as the enemy of my faith a deception from the spirit of the antichrist because it denied Jesus’ divinity. I became defensive, even hostile. I filled notebooks with anti-Islamic arguments, joined livestreams run by Islamophobes, pretending to learn, but really training myself to debate. I wasn’t learning from Muslims, only from those who hated them. This made me feel stronger as a Christian, I thought I was defending my faith. Eventually I started to do mission trips to muslim cities and muslim countries where I preached the gospel to at least 15.000 muslim kids, teenagers and young adults...

At the same time, I held a leadership role in my church and was involved in a revival school in Europe. But slowly, doubts crept in. Some teachings no longer felt right; I sensed spiritual manipulation.

A trip to Morocco changed everything. There, Muslims showed me kindness I hadn’t expected. When Christians hosting me failed, it was Muslims who rescued me from a hard situation and drove over twelve hours to make sure I got home safely, even though they knew I was against their faith. Their character shook my assumptions.

Back home, during church worship, I noticed something odd, nearly every song and sermon focused on Jesus alone. But Jesus himself taught us to worship the Father. As I reread the Bible, I realized many church beliefs didn’t line up with Jesus’ actual message. The more I prayed, the more I felt what I was living was not right, so I felt convicted to read Jesus’s words alone instead of what so and so said about him, I wanted to know the pure message before the doctrine...

I was unsettled and asked myself, honestly: Am I on the right path?

During that time, strange things happened. I had dreams related to Islam and Muslims. I saw signs in my daily life, at first, I thought they were tricks from the devil until I realised.

Dreams and Signs...

I started experiencing things that, at the time, I brushed off. I told myself maybe I was just watching too many videos about Islam or thinking too much about the debates I had with Muslims. But looking back now, those moments feel more significant, maybe even like signs.

-  One of those signs came in dreams. I don’t remember everything clearly, but I know I was saying the first part of the shahada in Arabic. At the time, I didn’t speak Arabic at all, so it felt strange why would I be saying that in a dream?

-  Another dream was even more unusual, in this one I made up a silly story in arabic where basically someone in the dream said ‘RA?’ to the Prophet and he replied, ‘Madha?’... I didn’t know Arabic then. Later, I realized RA" could mean Rasul Allah Messenger of God (I did not know it at the time). The person is calling him RA? as if addressing him as the Messenger, and he responded Madha? which means What? in Arabic

like a lighthearted interaction. At the time, it made no sense to me. I woke up thinking, That was random. Just a weird, silly dream. But after learning more, it hit me: how could I have used words I didn’t know? Why would the dream include the phrase RA a way of calling someone Rasul Allah? It felt like a hidden confirmation, buried inside what seemed like a meaningless dream.

-  In another dream, I was in a place that looked like the Arab world. The ground was sand, and I stood in a line of women all wearing scarves including me. At the front of the line was a soldier, questioning each woman:

Are you a Muslim? When they said yes, they were allowed to pass. Then it was my turn. He looked at me and asked the same question.

I said, Yes, I’m a Muslim. I was still a Christian in real life. But I knew it in the dream and real life that Muslim meant someone who submits to God, and in that moment, I simply said it. When I woke up, something felt... different. The atmosphere in the room had changed. There was a shift in the air, in the feeling, almost like I had woken up in another reality. It was subtle, but real. I felt like a muslim in real life in that moment...

A Real-Life Sign

This moment was very memorable.

One day, I was sitting with a close Christian friend, someone who also was very against Islam. She was staying at my house, and we decided to relax and watch something on TV.

We sat down on the sofa, turned the TV on... and what happened next left us both frozen.

The TV screen went all blue and in huge white letters, right in the middle of the screen, it appeared written: INSHALLAH.

We stared at it in shock.

Neither of us did anything for that to happen, it just appeared and stayed like that.

Our hearts started racing. Without thinking, we both shouted, I rebuke this in Jesus’ name!

We were terrified. At the time, we assumed it was the devil, a trick, some kind of deception. But now... I look back and wonder:

Was it really something to fear?

Or was it actually a sign, a gentle, powerful message from God showing up right in front of our eyes?

A word that means If God wills. A reminder. A seed planted. And maybe... a turning point.

The Islamic Event as a Christian

Then came an invitation that surprised me from a Muslim I had once debated on the streets almost 2 years ago. He invited me to an Islamic event in England, saying a respected Sheikh would answer any questions I had.

On November 5, 2023, I went to that event. I dressed modestly, wearing a scarf out of respect, unsure how I would be received or how I’d feel. The crowd was young and separated by gender, calm and orderly. A girl smiled at me saying the hijab suits you she probably thought I was a new Muslim.

Some muslim sisters spoke kindly to me, amazed I had traveled from Portugal just for the event, commenting wow, that’s real dedication. Thinking I was a devout muslim, they didn’t know I was still Christian, quietly sitting among them.

One speaker made remarks about Christians, something about warning against following people who don’t practice what they preach, honestly i don’t remember the exact words. But It hurt, I felt offended. My heart closed for a moment. But I stayed and listened.

After the event, I met the Sheikh in a private office room. The imam, who had once been Christian, shared his journey, I was surprised. Then Sheikh Uthman joined us. For nearly four hours, I asked question after question. the Sheikh answered patiently, correcting misconceptions not by attacking my beliefs, but by showing what was missing in my own faith.

At one point, the Sheikh asked them for his Bible from the hotel. Together, we looked through contradictions, translation issues, verses missing from the oldest manuscripts. I couldn’t deny what I saw. I had known, deep down, that not everything in my Bible was pure or preserved. But I’d

always ignored it until now. We spoke about Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, why he was a true messenger, and how his teachings aligned with Jesus and the prophets before him. My heart trembled between fear and faith.

At the end of our conversation, the Sheikh asked me about the shahada.

I didn’t tell him I wasn’t fully ready, I couldn’t. Part of me still had doubts. But deep down, I had come to believe that God is truly One. And I was beginning to see that Muhammad ﷺ could genuinely be a prophet of God, even if I wasn’t completely certain yet. My heart trembled between fear and faith, but I stayed silent.

Adil, who brought me to the event, helped me saying the shahada, when I finally said it, something happened.

I physically felt something leave my body. For a brief moment, fear crept in. Did the Holy Spirit just leave me? Did I betray Jesus? The programming I had carried for so long tried to pull me back into confusion. Tears filled my eyes.

What did I just do? But then I realized something: if the Holy Spirit is what convicts us of sin and leads us to repentance I was feeling that now, stronger than ever. I saw how arrogant I had been. I felt overwhelmed by a deep humility. Honestly, I believe what left me that day was not the Holy Spirit but something dark, something that had kept me blind.

Back to My Life After the Shahada

Returning home after taking my shahada, I didn’t fully feel like a Muslim yet. I was still searching for answers, and deep down, I felt more like a Christian who was doubting Christianity. Just a few days later, I was scheduled to speak on a Christian podcast. What was I supposed to say?

I was also supposed to lead the church’s evangelism team and teach new believers in discipleship classes but I no longer believed in those things 100%. I couldn’t stand in front of others and teach what I was unsure about. So, I avoided it. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened, that I had entered Islam, I was confused so I kept attending church because I didn’t know what else to do. I felt stuck between two worlds.

Doubts in the Church

Back in church, I started noticing things I had never questioned before.

Much of what we called spiritual suddenly felt false, especially the so-called prophecies and revelations.

I was literally a Muslim now, but no one in church had a clue. I looked the same, dressed the same, even did my hair the same way. People still called me anointed, a woman of God, a leader. How could they know? I was known for being a hater of Islam.

Where were all the prophetic revelations now? Or the revelations only worked when we had a clue about what was going on? If God truly gave messages, why didn’t anyone receive a word from God warning me or guiding me? Why didn’t anyone say, I feel God is showing me you’re confused about Islam, that you converted, but Jesus is calling you back...?

Nothing. In fact, the opposite happened.

On the very day I was thinking of stepping away from church for good, someone in a revival Zoom meeting said something like I feel like you’re entering a new season, and even if you’re afraid, God is with you, blessing your steps. They had no idea what I was going through but even their prophetic encouragement felt like it was confirming the path I was on, I didn’t trust anyone to share my situation, I didn’t want any bias, I trusted God, and trusted that He would guide me. If He is real, and hears my prayer, I can count on Him.

The Bible Question

Still torn, I decided to talk to my pastor about one of the contradictions the Sheikh had shown me something I’d never noticed before. I asked about the genealogy of Jesus in the Gospels:

Why is the genealogy in Matthew 1 different from the one in Luke 3?

He said, Oh yeah, I was reading about that this week. I think one is from Mary’s side.

I paused. But Pastor, it literally says ‘the husband of Mary.’ It’s talking about Joseph.

He replied, Oh yeah that's true, it says the husband of Mary... Don’t worry, there’s an explanation. I’ll send it to you.

Later, he texted with an explanation that didn’t make sense. I gently pointed out why it didn’t hold up. His next message sounded irritated, as if I was sinning just for asking:

The Bible worked for the revivalists of the past, and it will keep working. That didn’t answer my question.

The next time I saw him, I apologized if my question offended him. He said it didn’t, but worried I was doubting.

Just have faith, Mari. Just have faith.

But how could I? I can’t blindly believe something that doesn’t make sense. If I know 1 + 1 = 2, but the book tells me it’s 4, I have to question it.

He asked Do you have other questions? What could I say...? I acted like I hadn’t, even though my head was a mess, but his previous answer shut me and made me realise I could not ask questions anymore, my questions were uncomfortable, I needed God alone.

The Revival Event

A few days later, I went to a revival event, though I was confused and emotionally drained.

These events are usually full of excitement, with prophets preaching and delivering personal prophecies. I was desperate. In the middle of worship, I silently prayed:

God, if Islam is the wrong path, please use this man of God to send me a message, something to show me the truth.

Nothing happened. No message, no sign, no word from God. Just silence.

Worse, I noticed arrogance and pride among some people. It felt like a performance. No one seemed to truly care about the struggling people. And I was visibly struggling, yet some