The Coffee Lover's Dictionary: A humorous romp through the world of coffee

By Timothy E Bruno

The Coffee Lover's Dictionary is a humorous foray into the world of coffee. Want to know the difference between a cappuccino, a nappuccino, and Al Pacino? Want a good recipe

• Language: English
• Publisher: Procaffeination Press
• Release date: May 27, 2025
• ISBN: 9798348321949

Timothy E Bruno

Tim Bruno is a former Kona coffee farmer and longtime fan of coffee. He spent most of a decade on the Big Island of Hawaii, where he produced award-winning coffee on Luana Farm, started the South Kona Green Market which was recognized by one national publication as the best farmers market in Hawaii, and also started and continues to run Luana Naturals Handmade in Hawaii Skincare. He has written several articles for local publications and continues to have a number of contacts in farmers' organizations on the Big Island. As an ex-chemistry major, Tim brings a scientific outlook to coffee but also has a sense of humor and a mild addiction to popular culture and trivia. He writes for Procaffeination.com and several other websites. This is his first "real" book.More info at TimothyBruno.com

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The Coffee Lover’s Dictionary

TIMOTHY BRUNO

Copyright © 2024 Timothy Bruno

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying or electronic methods, without explicit written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 979-8-3483-2192-5

E-Book ISBN: 979-8-3483-2194-9

DEDICATION

To the beautiful and long-suffering Karen.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A book like this does not spring forth fully formed. It needs tons of outside reading and deep dives into weird, coffee saturated corners of the internet. So, thank you Google for existing and thank you to all the other coffee crazies who are compelled to tell their stories on their websites. Thank you to the Kona Coffee Farmers Association and the Hawaii Coffee Association whose educational offerings and support helped me on my journey. Also, a quick thanks to the folks at Project 24 and 20Booksto50K for helping me believe.

Introduction

Thanks for buying (unless you are just standing around the café trying to decide whether to plunk down the cash or swipe your card – come on, make an old coffee farmer happy ).

Full disclosure: this is not an actual dictionary. For one thing, a dictionary includes pronunciations and parts of speech. It does not engage in bad jokes, puns, and semi-accurate rants. Another thing that this book is not, is an encyclopedia. It is far too skimpy and does not go into depth on the individual subjects. It is also not a glossary because of the sarcasm, unrelated tangents, and to be frank, made up words. But I needed a name / description that would be understandable for marketing purposes, and so, a dictionary it shall be called.

The way I see it, you have two ways to enjoy this book; it’s sort of like coffee… you can pick it up and read a definition or two at random like a shot of espresso or, as an alternative, you can browse an entire letter category like a steaming hot mug of house blend that you have been nursing for two-and-a-half hours while working on that screenplay.

Coffee captured me when I was very young. My earliest memories of coffee are as a 3-year-old standing on a step stool in front of the stove in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching the bubbles in the glass bulb of the percolator as she brewed coffee for my grandfather. I remember enjoying my very own cup with lots of milk and what I assume was a saccharine (see pg. 217) tablet for sweetness (although I am old enough that it is possible that it might have been cyclamates!). I remember feeling so grown up.

Fast forward to my junior year of high school where the occasional late-night, last minute essay session required a little boost to make it across the finish line. By my senior year, coffee being unavailable anywhere for students (such privations!), I had graduated to an occasional teacher’s lounge sneak-in for a pre-lunch pick me up. I wanted to be certain that Mr. MacNamara’s AP European History class would have my full attention.

During my senior year of college, I had a morning wake-up show on the campus radio station that required me to arrive at 5:30 am (shout out to The Woo Crew!). Steve and I, although Dana and Dave The Wave may have helped, would polish off three pots of Maxwell house before the end of the show. Then there were two more cups at breakfast, two more at lunch, and at least a couple more at dinner. How else would I be able to stay awake to watch Letterman’s monologue? You know, I really should have slept more…

As the years passed and I became more and more grown up, I shed the aura of coffee addict and began to accumulate the trappings of a burgeoning coffee snob: better coffee, coffee grinders, and better-quality coffee makers.

Somewhere along the way, my wife and I quit our jobs, moved to Hawaii, and bought a coffee farm but that is a much longer story that will just have to wait for another time.

So, why is coffee so important to us? There are many reasons, not the least of which is, alertness. For instance, it will help keep your eyes open during the ten o’clock sales meeting even though the baby kept you awake all night. Conversely, the act of having coffee can actually relax you. It is also an effective bridge between people for whom it is not normal to associate: You will find it offered at Parent-Teacher conferences, after-church Fellowship gatherings, and a coffee shop is a very safe meeting place for a first date. Who knew we could ask for and receive so much from a hot, brown liquid?

When putting this… whatever this is… together, I used a 20,000-word list I found online that was meant as a support for learners of English as a Second Language. I went through it and jotted down any words that I felt might be useful, coffee-related, or just funny.

Then I started writing: looking things up online, adding more coffee words, deleting others, and finding interesting facts and historical tidbits. During this process, I learned quite a bit more about our favorite beverage. In short, this at least resembles what I started out to create, but it is much more informative than I expected it would be. I hope that you come away entertained, better informed, or at least armed with a few Useless Bits of Information you can utilize in some social setting.

So, brew up a pot, pick a comfy chair, and dig in. Or just leave it out and pick it up when the fancy strikes.

How to Use This Book

If a word in a definition is in bold, that means there is a listing with further information that you can check out. It might be a deeper dive into the subject or a listing that has a fun factoid or joke that I don’t want you to miss.

In quotes and italics means the word is being used in a sentence for illustrative or, possibly, sarcastic purposes.

Entries from the World Coffee Research Sensory Lexicon

which are used in the Coffee Flavor Wheel are boxed.

Standard Roast Levels such as French roast or Full City are in gray boxes. Vague roast levels i.e. after dinner roast or espresso roast are not.

Recipes for drinks and desserts using coffee are boxed

UBOI  Means that what follows is a Useless Bit Of Information that you can use to impress / annoy your co-workers at the coffee machine.

$MDI$ Means that what follows is a Million Dollar Idea. I am probably never going to get around to doing it, so the polite thing for you to do would be to cut me in on a small percentage of the deal if you decide to run with it.

NOTE FOR THE EBOOK: I tried to catch all the formatting quirks but for the best reading experience, I recommend the hard cover version. If you purchased the eBook, send me an email and I will hook you up with a discounted autographed copy.

AA  in some forms of grading, the largest coffee bean size (AAA in Peru)

abbr.  shortened form of abbreviation

abbreviation  shortened version of a word; e.g. decaf is an abbreviation for decaffeinated coffee; see aka

ABC Always Brew Coffee

abdomen  the part of your body (and all vertebrates) that holds the digestive and reproductive organs which allows humans to enjoy the warming and stimulating effects of coffee

abhorrence  the feeling you get when someone suggests you switch to decaf

abide  to accept in a Zen-like manner, ideally with a Kalúa and cream, Dude

abnormal  not ordinary

"Blue coffee is abnormal, but I’ll give it a try."

above  at a higher level

"If I am rating coffees, it is a close thing, but I hold growing region above type of roast."

aborigine  1. an original inhabitant of a region

2. an aboriginal native of Australia

abroad  not in your home country, and usually signifying continental Europe; it’s a big world and there are many different coffee styles and drinks to enjoy

UBOI I have been researching coffee drinks around the world for my next book, C is for Coffee. It is amazing how inventive people are with their java!

absorbent  able to soak up spilled coffee

abstain  to restrain oneself from having a cup of coffee

absurd  ridiculous

UBOI  For his free birthday drink at Starbucks, a man ordered this absurd drink:

A venti 40-shot mocha Frappuccino with soy milk, mocha drizzle, matcha powder, protein powder, caramel brulée topping, strawberry, two bananas, caramel drizzle, Frappuccino chips, and vanilla bean.  Plus, the baristas threw in an extra EIGHT espresso shots. He called it a Quadriginoctuple Frap.

acceptable  moderately good

"Like many things, whether McDonalds serves an acceptable cup of coffee is in the eye and taste buds of the beholder."

accident  happening due to chance, often unfortunate

UBOI  Northumbria University in the UK was fined £400,000 for almost killing two students by accidentally administering them 30 grams of caffeine instead of .3 grams as planned – equivalent to the amount of caffeine in 300 cups of coffee. Within minutes the subjects started experiencing dizziness, blurred vision, and vomiting and were treated to an ambulance ride to intensive care. Other than being required to undergo dialysis and suffering from short term memory loss, the students made a full recovery. I think the takeaway here is always check your math.

accurate  close to an anticipated value, e.g. if on successive tries your espresso machine delivers 1 cup, .95 cups, .97 cups, and 1.1 cups it is accurate but not precise

accuse  charge with an offense, such as drinking the last cup of coffee at the office and not refilling the pot; what the penalty for such an offense should be is in the eye of the beholder

Acetic Acid  A sour, astringent, slightly pungent aromatic associated with vinegar

Achilles’ heel  from the Greek legend of the hero, Achilles and the Trojan War, a weak spot or deficiency that can lead to failure

UBOI  Achilles’ mother tried to make him immortal by dipping him into the River Styx. It almost worked. She left him with only one spot of vulnerability – his heel – which she had held as she dipped him in the river. Ironically, this is the spot where the Trojan prince, Paris, shot him with an arrow, killing him.

I think it is possible that my mother dipped me in coffee.

acidity  1. along with flavor, aroma, and body, one of the principal categories used by professional tasters in cupping

2. the pleasant tartness of a fine coffee

3. may refer to low pH in coffee that might cause stomach upset

acquaintance  someone you know but who has not graduated to I’ll hang out with her at the coffee shop status

acquire  obtain an object or skill for oneself

"Through a combination of yard sales and lack of willpower, I have managed to acquire a large number of novelty coffee mugs."

Acrid The sharp, pungent, bitter, acidic aromatic associated with products that are excessively roasted or browned

Acronym abbreviation formed from the first letter of a particular set of words or phrase and pronounced as a word itself

UBOI  Caribou Coffee has a foundational acronym that drives their success: BAMA

Be Excellent Not Average

Act with Urgency

Make a Connection

Anticipate Needs

acting  doing the duties of another person on a temporary basis, as in "acting barista"

actor person who plays pretend to entertain others

UBOI  While shooting Rocky III, Sylvester Stallone drank up to 25 cups of coffee per day. Now that’s Oscar-level consumption.

acupuncture  ancient Chinese medical treatment using fine needles to affect health; recent research suggests that coffee may interfere with the pain relief many experience

UBOI  Anecdotally, I just had some acupuncture done for sciatica and it worked like a charm – and I certainly have had plenty of coffee.

A.D.:  From the Latin Anno Domini – The Year of Our Lord. See: C.E.

addict  one who suffers from addiction

UBOI  I can quit any time I want.

addiction  physical or psychological need (or both) for a habit-forming substance; coffee is one of the few socially acceptable ones

UBOI  Caffeine is a stimulant to the central nervous system and regular use of caffeine does cause mild physical dependence. Since caffeine doesn't result in harmful drug-seeking behaviors the way addictive drugs do, in general, it doesn’t cause concern. If you stop taking caffeine without weaning yourself off, you may have withdrawal symptoms for a day or more. These might include:

• headache

• fatigue

• anxiety

• irritability

• depressed mood

• difficulty concentrating

For the most part, I’m joking around in this book but addiction, when it affects you or someone you love, is not a laughing matter. This is not medical advice and I am not a doctor; I’m just some smart aleck who likes coffee. See your healthcare professional or a counselor who can help.

ad lib  from the Latin ad libitim for according to pleasure, to speak or perform without preparation

"There really isn’t a recipe for the Quadriginoctuple Frap, so I just adlibbed."

adore  to love and respect in the deep and meaningful way that you feel toward your barista

adulterate  to mix a substandard coffee or a non-coffee material with a more expensive one, in order to make each serving more profitable; see bamboozle

adventurous  taking the risk to try a new coffee shop

adverse  unfortunate

"Drinking bad coffee can result in adverse effects, such as a sour stomach."

advertising  activity or profession of producing promotional materials for a commercial product

UBOI  According to Starbucks's financial releases, the company spent $416.7 million on its global marketing activities in 2022.

Aeropress brewing device that uses a plunger to force hot water through ground coffee, creating a finished product that is often compared to espresso

affectionate  showing fondness or tenderness without hesitation; NOTE: this is not to be confused with the cute cashier being professional and pleasant at the café checkout: They are just doing their job!

affinity  natural ability and love of coffee that makes you want to research and write a number of books about it

affluent  having excess amounts of money

"I aspire to the affluence of the Kees van der Westen Speedster owner."

UBOI  Only about 400 of the Kees van der Westen Speedster espresso machines are produced each year. They are assembled by hand in Westen’s small workshop in the Waalre, Netherlands. Buying one will set you back about $15,499.

affogato  from the Italian for drowned; refers to a scoop of vanilla gelato topped with a hot espresso; you can get fancy by adding a little amaretto or chocolate shavings

aftereffect  secondary change in state that follows the main change

UBOI  The man who ordered the $47.30 Quadriginoctuple Frap had to drink it over several days; it was so sweet it hurt his gums.

after-dinner roast  vague term for coffee roasted anywhere between Vienna roast and Italian roast

aged coffee  1. also known as vintage coffee

2. coffee held in warehouses for several years, sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident, which can result in a reduction in acidity and increased body

3. Coffee that has been deliberately exposed to moist air in order to mimic the effects of aging; see monsooned coffee

agitated  mildly troubled and in an elevated emotional state, like if you just had a fight with your significant other and followed it up with a double espresso

agnostic  having a non-committal attitude about the existence of God; has morphed to any non-committal attitude

"Kona, Costa Rican or Jamaican? I’m agnostic on the subject... I like them all!."

aguapanela Colombian drink combining lime juice, cold brew coffee, and ice

aha  exclamation used to denote satisfaction and surprise.

"Aha! So that’s how you brew French Press coffee."

aka  abbr. for also known as

UBOI  You’re going to see aka many times in this book because coffee people have a great number of names for similar things

alarm clock  mechanism that wakes you up earlier than you would otherwise prefer so that you have time for coffee before work

Alcohol  A colorless, pungent, chemical-like aromatic associated with distilled spirits or grain products.

Alcohol/Fermented Category of cupping attributes containing Alcohol, Whiskey, Winey, Fermented, and Overripe/Near Fermented.

aldehydes  delicate and volatile aromatic compounds found in roasted coffee that give coffee its sweet, fruit/floral-like aromas; subject to oxidation or dissipation when subjected to increased temperatures, grinding, or moisture

algebra  branch of mathematics that if you know how much brewed coffee you want, allows you to figure how much ground coffee you need; that’s why your teacher wanted you to learn story problems; see golden ratio

alibi  being seen at a coffee shop while the nefarious act was being committed elsewhere

Almond  A sweet, light brown, woody, and buttery aromatic with floral and fruity notes that may include rose, cherry, and apricot. It is also astringent and may be slightly smoky.

aloha  1. love

2. compassion

3. sympathy

4. kindness

5. hello

6. goodbye

7. key ingredient in the best Kona coffees

alternate  occur in turn, in repetition

"People with a fear of commitment will often alternate between coffee and tea."

altitude  height above sea level that a specific coffee is grown; higher grown coffees tend to produce a harder, denser bean while lower elevations produce a softer, less dense bean

altura from the Spanish for heights, describes high- or mountain-grown coffee from Mexico

amateur  from the French for lover; person who engages in an activity without being paid

"With as much coffee as I make, I consider myself an amateur barista."

amazing  astonishing

"Did you see the amazing video of the barista saving a coffee cup from breaking by using a behind-her-back kick?"

ambidextrous  ability to drink coffee equally well with either hand

ambivalent  from the Latin for ambi- both and

-valentia strength, having simultaneous conflicting feelings

"I am ambivalent on whether to have the Sumatran or Kenyan today."

American roast  

Coffee roasted to 410° F (210°