When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

By Pema Chodron

The beautiful practicality of her teaching has made Pema Chödrön one of the most beloved of contemporary American spiritual authors among Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike. A collection of talks she gave between 1987 and 1994, the book is a treasury of wisdom for going on living when we are overcome by pain and difficulties. Chödrön discusses:

· Using painful emotions to cultivate wisdom, compassion, and courage
· Communicating so as to encourage others to open up rather than shut down
· Practices for reversing habitual patterns
· Methods for working with chaotic situations
· Ways for creating effective social action

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shambhala
• Release date: Sep 26, 2000
• ISBN: 9780834821002

Pema Chodron

Pema Chödrön was born Deirdre Blomfield-Brown in 1936, in New York City. She attended Miss Porter’s School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren. While in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to England at that time, and Pema received her ordination from him. Pema first met her root teacher, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Rinpoche, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full monastic ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong. Pema served as the director of Karma Dzong, in Boulder, until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche asked her to work towards the establishment of a monastery for western monks and nuns. Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche. Pema is interested in helping establish the monastic tradition in the West, as well in continuing her work with Buddhists of all traditions, sharing ideas and teachings. She has written several books: The Wisdom of No Escape, Start Where You Are, When Things Fall Apart, The Places that Scare You, No Time to Lose, Practicing Peace in Times of War, and most recently, Smile at Fear. For more information, visit pemachodronfoundation.org.

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INTRODUCTION

IN 1995 I took a sabbatical. For twelve months I essentially did nothing. It was the most spiritually inspiring time of my life. Pretty much all I did was relax. I read and hiked and slept. I cooked and ate, meditated and wrote. I had no schedule, no agenda, and no shoulds. A lot got digested during this completely open, uncharted time. For one thing, I began to read slowly through two cardboard boxes of very raw, unedited transcriptions of talks I had given from 1987 to 1994. Unlike the dathun talks that make up The Wisdom of No Escape and the lojong teachings that make up Start Where You Are, these talks seemed to have no unifying thread. Now and then I would look at a few transcripts. I found them everything from pedantic to delightful. It was both interesting and embarrassing to be faced with such a profusion of my own words. Gradually, as I read more, I began to see that in some way, no matter what subject I had chosen, what country I was in, or what year it was, I had taught endlessly about the same things: the great need for maitri (loving-kindness toward oneself), and developing from that the awakening of a fearlessly compassionate attitude toward our own pain and that of others. It seemed to me that the view behind every single talk was that we could step into uncharted territory and relax with the groundlessness of our situation. The other underlying theme was dissolving the dualistic tension between us and them, this and that, good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid. My teacher, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, described this as leaning into the sharp points. It occurred to me that for all those seven years, I’d been simply trying to digest and communicate the helpful and very gutsy instructions that Trungpa Rinpoche gave his students.

As I delved into the boxes, I could see that I still had a long way to go before fully appreciating what I had been taught. I also saw that by putting Rinpoche’s advice into practice as well as I could, and by attempting to share this experience of a student’s path with others, I had found a kind of fundamental happiness and contentment that I’d never known before. It made me laugh to see that, just as I had so often said, making friends with our own demons and their accompanying insecurity leads to a very simple, understated relaxation and joy.

About halfway through the year, my editor, Emily Hilburn Sell, happened to ask me if I had any more talks that might be usable for a third book. I sent her the cardboard boxes. She read through the transcripts and felt inspired to tell Shambhala Publications, We have another book.

Over the next six months, Emily sifted and shifted and deleted and edited, and I had the luxury to work further on each chapter to my heart’s content. When I wasn’t resting or looking at the ocean or walking in the hills, I would get totally absorbed by these talks. Rinpoche once gave me the advice Relax and write. At the time it didn’t seem like I’d ever do either of these things, but years later, here I was following his instructions.

The result of this collaboration with Emily and my year of doing nothing is this book.

May it encourage you to settle down with your life and take these teachings on honesty, kindness, and bravery to heart. If your life is chaotic and stressful, there’s plenty of advice here for you. If you’re in transition, suffering from loss, or just fundamentally restless, these teachings are tailor made. The main point is that we all need to be reminded and encouraged to relax with whatever arises and bring whatever we encounter to the path.

In putting these instructions into practice, we join a long lineage of teachers and students who have made the buddha dharma relevant to the ups and downs of their ordinary lives. Just as they made friends with their egos and discovered wisdom mind, so can we.

I thank the Vidyadhara, the Venerable Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, for totally committing his life to the dharma and for being so eager to transmit its essence to the people of the West. May the inspiration I received from him be contagious. May we, like him, lead the life of a bodhisattva, and may we not forget his proclamation that Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news.

PEMA CHÖDRÖN

Gampo Abbey

Pleasant Bay, Nova Scotia, 1996

1

Intimacy with Fear

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.

EMBARKING on the spiritual journey is like getting into a very small boat and setting out on the ocean to search for unknown lands. With wholehearted practice comes inspiration, but sooner or later we will also encounter fear. For all we know, when we get to the horizon, we are going to drop off the edge of the world. Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what’s waiting out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.

If we become interested in Buddhism and decide to find out what it has to offer, we’ll soon discover that there are different slants on how we can proceed. With insight meditation we begin practicing mindfulness, being fully present with all our activities and thoughts. With Zen practice we hear teachings on emptiness and are challenged to connect with the open, unbounded clarity of mind. The vajrayana teachings introduce us to the notion of working with the energy of all situations, seeing whatever arises as inseparable from the awakened state. Any of these approaches might hook us and fuel our enthusiasm to explore further, but if we want to go beneath the surface and practice without hesitation, it is inevitable that at some point we will experience fear.

Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade in the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft, open bodies of sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.

If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.

During a long retreat, I had what seemed to me the earth-shaking revelation that we cannot be in the present and run our story lines at the same time! It sounds pretty obvious, I know, but when you discover something like this for yourself, it changes you. Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That’s when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.

When we begin our exploration, we have all kinds of ideals and expectations. We are looking for answers that will satisfy a hunger we’ve felt for a very long time. But the last thing we want is a further introduction to the boogeyman. Of course, people do try to warn us. I remember when I first received meditation instruction, the woman told me the technique and guidelines on how to practice and then said, But please don’t go away from here thinking that meditation is a vacation from irritation. Somehow all the warnings in the world don’t quite convince us. In fact they draw us closer.

What we’re talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye—not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we’re going to be continually humbled. There’s not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring. The arrogance that inevitably does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further. The kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. They have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually.

Instructions on mindfulness or emptiness or working with energy all point to the same thing: being right on the spot nails us. It nails us right to the point of time and space that we are in. When we stop there and don’t act out, don’t repress, don’t blame it on anyone else, and also don’t blame it on ourselves, then we meet with an open-ended question that has no conceptual answer. We also encounter our heart. As one student so eloquently put it, Buddha nature, cleverly disguised as fear, kicks our ass into being receptive.

I once attended a lecture about a man’s spiritual experiences in India in the 1960s. He said he was determined to get rid of his negative emotions. He struggled against anger and lust; he struggled against laziness and pride. But mostly he wanted to get rid of his fear. His meditation teacher kept telling him to stop struggling, but he took that as just another way of explaining how to overcome his obstacles.

Finally the teacher sent him off to meditate in a tiny hut in the foothills. He shut the door and settled down to practice, and when it got dark he lit three small candles. Around midnight he heard a noise in the corner of the room, and in the darkness he saw a very large snake. It looked to him like a king cobra. It was right in front of him, swaying. All night he stayed totally alert, keeping his eyes on the snake. He was so afraid that he couldn’t move. There was just the snake and himself and fear.

Just before dawn the last candle went out, and he began to cry. He cried not in despair but from tenderness. He felt the longing of all the animals and people in the world; he knew their alienation and their struggle. All his meditation had been nothing but further separation and struggle. He accepted—really accepted wholeheartedly—that he was angry and jealous, that he resisted and struggled, and that he was afraid. He accepted that he was also precious beyond measure—wise and foolish, rich and poor, and totally unfathomable. He felt so much gratitude that in the total darkness he stood up, walked toward the snake, and bowed. Then he fell sound asleep on the floor. When he awoke, the snake was gone. He never knew if it was his imagination or if it had really been there, and it didn’t seem to matter. As he put it at the end of the lecture, that much intimacy with fear caused his dramas to collapse, and the world around him finally got through.

No one ever tells us to stop running away from fear. We are very rarely told to move closer, to just be there, to become familiar with fear. I once asked the Zen master Kobun Chino Roshi how he related with fear, and he said, I agree. I agree. But the advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away.

We don’t need that kind of encouragement, because dissociating from fear is what we do naturally. We habitually spin off and freak out when there’s even the merest hint of fear. We feel it coming and we check out. It’s good to know we do that—not as a way to beat ourselves up, but as a way to develop unconditional compassion. The most heartbreaking thing of all is how we cheat ourselves of the present moment.

Sometimes, however, we are cornered; everything falls apart, and we run out of options for escape. At times like that, the most profound spiritual truths seem pretty straightforward and ordinary. There’s nowhere to hide. We see it as well as anyone else—better than anyone else. Sooner or later we understand that although we can’t make fear look pretty, it will nevertheless introduce us to all the teaching we’ve ever heard or read.

So the next time you encounter fear, consider yourself lucky. This is where the courage comes in. Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear. When I was first married, my husband said I was one of the bravest people he knew. When I asked him why, he said because I was a complete coward but went ahead and did things anyhow.

The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought. That’s what we’re going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought. I can say that with great confidence. Emptiness is not what we thought. Neither is mindfulness or fear. Compassion—not what we thought. Love. Buddha nature. Courage. These are code words for things we don’t know in our minds, but any of us could experience them. These are words that point to what life really is when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment.

2

When Things Fall Apart

When things fall apart and we’re on the verge of we know not what, the test of each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize. The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally

[vive_livre · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Much the thing you would expect from her. I did find useful bits for fostering reflection and rethinking old patterns throughout the book.

[sylvarum · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

When we find ourselves in a mess, we don’t have to feel guilty about it. Instead, we could reflect on the fact that how we relate to this mess will be sowing the seeds of how we will relate to whatever happens next. We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same.

whilst i have a distinct and differing spiritual outlook in comparison to chödrön, i found her viewpoint to be informative and enlightening. whilst the book was often repetitive, the abstract natture of the ideas discussed meant this was a somewhat useful construction, and assisted in gaining more depth in my comprehension of what was discussed. i will note that, in contrast to the book's title, it deals far more with everyday difficulties (and some large-scale ones) as opposed to personal tragedy, which is what i was hoping for when i read it.

[dogboi-715739 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This is more a collection of essays than a cohesive whole. Pena Chodron says that the book came about as a collection of unrelated dharma talks she has given. Still, the central theme of all of them is facing pain rather than hiding from it. Using meditation, finding one's boddhicatta and converting pain to loving-kindness, one can face pain and convert it to compassion. Some chapters are stronger than others, and if you have time to read only one, make it chapter 10. I'd give this 3 and 1/2 stars if I could. It's not a strong enough book to warrant 4 stars.

[jrobinw · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Extremely powerful book. Will read again!

[Colorama · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The reading of this book came upon the recommendation of a teacher, at a time when I really had no ground to stand on. It moved me with its depth. (Translated from Spanish)

[librolindsay · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I truly value this book. Chodron clarifies and redefines some of the main obstacles I've come to in trying to "understand" Buddhism, which mainly surround my perception of its seeming negativity. Perhaps it's because she's a woman (I've only read male Buddhist perspectives so far), maybe it's because she's an American (I've only read Asian Buddhist perspectives), or maybe it's because she's just a good writer. Either way, Chodron focuses more on the journey and less on the destination, which makes it great for those who find the ground has slipped from beneath them. I will always come back to this book.

*****

I can't tell you just how many times I've come back to this book over the years. Chodron gives me a loving kick in the pants every single time and reminds me to open myself up to every experience, no matter if it's the best or shittiest.

[ionas_7 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Pema Chödrön is one of my favourite spiritual authors. I think this is the third of her books I’ve read.

I’ll start with a few ”negative” aspects of her books and this book – there is no index, and no definitions of her special Tibetan (?) terms. Some of these terms we may know beforehand but often I, at any rate, do not. Sometimes she does explain the terms but I forget what she said, thus the need for an index.

One such term is dathun, another dharma (I know, I should know what that means).

Pema is an American Buddhist who lives in a Tibetan monastery in Nova Scotia. She is a student of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, and I will have to try and get hold of his books too.

I’m very fond of her teachings though I can’t say I always understand them in full; sometimes her writing is a bit vague and metaphorical. And what does she really mean by “the groundlessness of our situation”?

I was lucky to get hold of this book from the library before it closed, for an indefinite period of time, it seems.

In the author’s introduction, she quotes her teacher as saying “Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news”, and this seems to be one of the main tenets of her teachings. (So we can really benefit from her books in these present Corona days – we can benefit from the uncertainties of this time.)
Pema tells us of her own problems and how she learnt from them.

When she first became the director of Gampo Abbey it was like being boiled alive. Everything fell apart. All her unfinished business “was exposed vividly and accurately in living Technicolor, not only to myself, but to everyone else as well”.

Things come together and then they fall apart, then they come together again and fall apart again. “”The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen, room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

“Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly.”

The first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable.

Pema’s whole reality gave out on her when her husband told her he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. This saved her life. Annihilation of her old dependent clinging self was the only way to go.

To stay with shakiness, a broken heart, a feeling of hopelessness, is the path of true awakening. “Getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos … is the spiritual path.”

In meditation we start to see what’s happening. We’re just being with our experience, whatever it is. We “lean toward the discomfort of life” and see it clearly rather than protect ourselves from it”.

The very moment is the perfect teacher, and it’s with us wherever we are.

Chögyam Rinpoche taught that in meditation we should “put very light attention on the out-breath.”

The out-breath is the object of meditation. Rinpoche advises “Touch the out-breath and let it go.”

When thoughts occur we merely say to ourselves “thinking”. When we do this, we are cultivating that unconditional friendliness toward whatever arises in our mind - maitri, or loving-kindness.

Meditation is about opening and relaxing with whatever arises. It’s definitely not meant to repress anything.

Pema hears from many who think they are the worst person in the world – these are people with no loving-kindness for themselves.

The most important of all is to develop maitri, loving-kindness, and an unconditional friendship with ourselves.

We must practice gentleness and letting go.

Pema teaches that hopelessness is the basic ground. “If we make the journey to get security, we’re completely missing the point”. We should begin with hopelessness.

We need to accept that we’re going to die. Death and hopelessness provide proper motivation for living an insightful, compassionate life.

Kinship with the suffering of others is the discovery of bodhichitta, which means “noble or awakened heart”.

We awaken the bodhichitta when we can no longer shield ourselves from the “vulnerability of our condition, ---the basic fragility of existence”.

In difficult times it is only bodhichitta that heals.

The practice of tonglen – sending and receiving – is designed to awaken bodhichitta. We take in pain and send out pleasure.

Whenever we encounter suffering in any form we breathe it in with the wish that everyone could be free of pain. Whenever we encounter happiness in any form we breathe it out with the wish that everyone could feel joy.

When we protect ourselves from pain, that protection becomes the armour, “armour that imprisons the softness of the heart”. When we breathe in pain, it penetrates that armour. The armour begins to fall apart and “a kindness and a tenderness begin to emerge.”

In order to feel compassion for others, we must feel compassion for ourselves.

Tonglen practice is a method for connecting with our own and others’ suffering.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and wish to help. We breathe in others’ pain so they can be well and when we breathe out we send them what we think would bring them relief.

Tonglen can be done for those who are ill, those who are dying or have died, anyone in pain.

The path is the goal.

Trungpa Rinpoche said “Whatever occurs in the confused mind is regarded as the path. Everything is workable.”

I would recommend this little simply written book to encourage you on your path. It will give you knowledge, insight and inspiration.

[VeronikaMora · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A small excerpt from the book that perfectly describes its message; Being preoccupied with self-image is like being blind and deaf; like being in the middle of a vast field of wildflowers with a hood over our heads, like being in front of a tree full of singing birds with earplugs in. In all nations, everywhere, there is much resentment and much resistance to life; it is like an out-of-control plague that is poisoning the atmosphere. At this point, it may be wise to reflect on what we are discussing and start getting the hang of compassionate love. (Translated from Spanish)

[Crisang15 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I had heard a lot about this book as one of the essentials for situations of loss or extreme difficulty, so my expectation was that I would find advice from a Buddhist perspective for coping with grief. The reality is that I didn’t feel that this was the book’s objective. One of the things that surprised me is that despite being a short book with very concrete teachings in each chapter, I wouldn't say it is an easy read, not because it uses very obscure language or is poorly written; on the contrary, Pema Chödrön's language is very simple and translates Buddhist teachings quite well to a Western context, and the compilers did a great job summarizing the ideas from the teacher's talks; however, I think precisely because the ideas are so clear and compelling, I kept experiencing a continuous "mind explosion" ??. Something like, "Did I read that correctly? Let me see, how is this? I think I understood." So I had to go back several times to confirm what I thought I understood and realize that it all makes sense as to why we complicate our existence so much. So, in conclusion, I found it to be a book full of great teachings that hits right at the target of the ego and makes us see how we deceive ourselves all the time, believing that we know and understand everything. It leaves me wanting to read more from the author and to continue delving into the topic. (Translated from Spanish)

[karen.helfrick · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I found this book to be full of ideas and theories that I was not familiar with. It is a collection of talks and teachings that Chodron had given throughout her life as a Buddhist Nun. I am not as familiar with this style, so I found them slightly difficult to read and very redundant. Maybe her style is just to talk in circles, but it feels a lot like a transcript for a TED talk, and I think ultimately i would get more out of an audiobook than I did this. It will take a few re-reads go let it all sink in.

[cavernism · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A must-read for those interested in or practicing Buddhism. I know I'll be reading this many more times throughout my life.

[jmoncton_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Pema Chodron's sage wisdom can be applied to so many situations. I picked up this book because it sort of feels like we're at war in this country. Every one is so angry and there is a strong us vs. them mentality that is shouted at us, whether it's reading the news or browsing the web. Even so many of the hot titles this year have been polarizing. So the title of this book seemed like this would be a perfect choice to read right now.

What I discovered wasn't advice on dealing with the election and red vs. blue, but wisdom on handling conflict, whether it's external or from within. This book is pretty short, but there is a lot packed into it. I found myself really slowing down as I read this. Rather then going from one chapter to the next, I would pause and spend a few days of reflection thinking about her words. This is a book that you can (and should) read repeatedly. Excellent for anyone on their own personal growth journey.

[ghr4 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

There is certainly great wisdom and valuable Buddhist teachings in Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times; however, this is not a book to assist one trying to cope in the midst of life's crisis episodes. This requires multiple readings over an extended period of time for the lessons, which often seem counterintuitive, to take hold. I'm looking forward to future readings, which will inevitably provide further insights.

[bookneurd · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Then Things Fall Apart is the third book I've read by Pema Chödrön, including The Places That Scare You and Living Beautifully. I also have the Compassion Cards, which I pull every few days. I am obviously reading these books for a reason, haha! I found the teachings that she shared in this book extremely poignant for this time in our world, but less easy to follow than the others at this point in my life.

The edition that I have is the 20th Anniversary Edition and is still completely relevant today. Actually, since this book was written, I think that the world has only become more obviously uncertain and groundless, making it an excellent choice for insightful advice right now!

This book is much more like the cards; little nuggets of wisdom connected by the theme, but not necessarily flowing one into the other. The Places that Scare You and Living Beautifully are formatted as manuals for living fearlessly and for the three commitments required for working with groundlessness, respectively. When Things Fall Apart is a series of short perspectives for the times in which we live. They are indeed pieces of advice and because they are curated from talks she gave, have a random sort of quality to them.I typically use her books as a daily reading in the morning, which works well for this format.

At this point in my journey, though, I think the level of randomness is a little too challenging to take in. I resonate more strongly with the books that have a sequence to the teachings and lead me to a particular way of looking at things. I still don't really understand the basic concepts of buddhism, and I'm still trying to get a picture of how they form the teachings. If I had the foundation to anchor this advice too, I think it would be a lot more poignant for me, so I'm probably going to come back to this book in the future, when I'm looking more for reminders of what I've heard before.

For now, I'm rating it a 4 out of 5 starts, and I would probably give it a 3.5 for where I'm at personally. I think I'm going to look for her book on meditation next.

[margaretpinardauthor · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Another pick-up-and-read. I guess that's all I have time for these days. BUt I like this lately- while not a substitute for human interaction, which i have been missing, it is a good thought-provoker and meditative text.

[dawndowney · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Like many others, I came to this book during a crisis, so long ago I don't remember which crisis it was. Pema made it clear it wasn't my fault, I wasn't crazy, I was just human. It took several years of retreats, dharma talks, books, and sangha conversations, for me to even begin to see the underlying messages in the book: things fall apart for everybody; things will fall apart again. And every time they do, this book will still be relevant.

[viviennestrauss · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is now marked as "finished", however, this book will remain eternally on the end table where I drink my coffee. This is a book that can be opened up and read anywhere and what is discussed seems to apply that day. Better than any self-help book I've ever read. Obviously this is a lifelong path rather than a goal set and attained. This book has provided such comfort in a "common sense" manner in the most difficult time of my life thus far.

[margaret.pinard · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Another pick-up-and-read. I guess that's all I have time for these days. BUt I like this lately- while not a substitute for human interaction, which i have been missing, it is a good thought-provoker and meditative text.

[zenhead_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Chodron does it again. Interpreting the often difficult to transmit wisdom of Buddhist ideas into practical application for our every-day life. Things fall apart, but we can learn to see this as an opportunity for growth and expansion.

[fsmichaels · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

An interesting book, thought-provoking. One to return to again and again at different times in your life.

[manadabomb · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Chodron is an American Buddhist nun and is apparently a prolific writer. Going through some difficult times now, this book called to me from the Border's book shelf.

I'm going to admit that I started off reading this book thinking "What the hell are you talking about?" Leaning into the sharp points, facing your demons, embracing suffering - all sounds well and good but HOW do you do it? Buddhism is all abut guidelines and rarely ever says "Here is how you do this"

The more I read, though, the more I got it. I need to be kinder to myself. Less critical, less admonishment. The underlying factor here is if you can't have compassion for yourself, it's going to be difficult to be compassionate towards others. There is no right or wrong, no good or evil. Things just ARE. We're all here for a short time, so why not give yourself a break and lighten up a little?

I'm a classic case of escapism. When things are difficult, I do my best but I always retreat; into books, classes, knitting, what have you. Chodron encourages us to not reach for comfort when things go rotten. That's going to be mighty hard to do.

There's a really good chapter about not harming others. While you may not deliberately harm people, chances are you are doing harm when you're upset, embarrassed, angry, etc. Words, actions, emotions all mean the world and you have to be aware of what you say, do and feel. Being aware of how you react to things is even applauded as a great first step.

I'm going to try to put these things into practice. We'll see how it goes :)

[hafowler_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I read this book when my favorite pet was dying of cancer. It really helped me find some peace.

[chersbookitlist · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Another compassionate, comforting and inspiring book by Pema. She appeals to people of all religions who are looking for ways to connect with love and tenderness to their own hearts, and the hearts of others

[shawnd_72 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This book has twenty two chapters related to different aspects of healing from pain and how to handle difficult situations. The text bounces from philosophy to self-help/encouragement, to Buddhist fables, to meditation and though techniques, and the like. The structure of the book as that each chapter in itself has many of these thematic elements. As such, one could decide to read just one chapter and it would likely touch on some key thoughts and changes in approach that would lead the reader to get loose from some emotions (or in some cases get closer to emotions) around their situation. As Chodron is in vogue in contemporary Western Buddhist practice, the book perhaps predictably fits with some of the philosophies from others in press in the early 2000's like Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach.

I did not particularly find the book helpful. It's very scattered and very 'jumpy'. It does not explain points or particularly back them up as much as put out a stream of thought which then jumps to another in the very next paragraph. Imagine speaking by phone to a guru with limited time, where they are introducing instruction and concepts about how to relive your suffering within a set time limit. So the pacing is not at all relaxed. It also introduces more than a little Tibetan or Sanskrit words, which is not uncommon occasionally, but the frequency is alarming when the Western reader has more use for the concept than the definition and the word--and unlike other authors she does not dwell on the concept, but per the pacing, jumps to other somewhat repetitive ideas. Alas, this is a personal interpretation, and perhaps reading this as a man I don't mesh with the style as I would if I were a woman, or of a different age. Many seem to like the book. If you are a fast-paced person who isn't going to read this cover to cover, it could be very helpful and rewarding when situations are tough.

[lepapillonvert · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Once again, I am grateful for the wisdom of this gifted teacher and healer. If you are going through or have ever been through challenges in your life or have questioned your spiritual views, read this book. It will assist you.

[hanuman2_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I'll try to summarize this sometime, but just read it, for the love of god, read it!

[rayski_1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Buddhist teachings on dealing with troubled times. Book is probably better read in sections as you need it rather than cover to cover. Not as good as Lama Surya Das.

[heidialice · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A collection of lectures by one of the most accessible writers on Buddhism. Chodron gets to the heart of human pain and gently instructs on how to simply be with it, while introducing basic Buddhist concepts. It helps me to connect with others' spirituality when there is a personal component, so I greatly appreciated the references to Chodron's life, especially pre-Buddhism. Her humility, great compassion and straight-forward style make for an easy if thought-provoking read. Essential for when one is at wit's end with life.

A good introductory work on the practice of meditation, best supplemented by other works and in-person teachings for those who want to seriously practice and meditate.

[beau0p0laurence · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I refer to this book as "my bible" I've given it away about 14 times because it is so relevent to the human condition