People Who Ramble on About Nothing: And the Side Effects of It

By Rachel Latupan and Leann Murphy

The stories contained in the book are purely fictional. They are a collection of letters written between two friends. They are highly exaggerated for entertainment purposes. Some of the stories are inspired by true events in the authors lives, but expanded by the imagination as to what the event actually was.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Aug 29, 2018
• ISBN: 9781973632207

Rachel Latupan

A mother and daughter team began writing as a way to entertain themselves and their family. Leanns husband encouraged them to turn their stories into a book, so they could be shared with everyone. Leann has a Masters Degree in Counseling with a background in Childrens Ministries. Rachel has a Bachelors Degree in Graphic Design and Visual Communications.

Book preview

The Incident

Howdy Phillie Mae,

I’m hopin’ you and yours are okay. I ain’t heard from you in a while. Anyhow, you know what happened to me the other day? Bet you’d never guess in a million years. I was walkin’ down the middle of main street to do some of my famous window shoppin’ you know; not especially lookin’ for anythin’ but lookin’ at everythin’. I decided to take a little rest on that fancy sittin’ pew in front of the drug store. Oh, it’s a right pretty thing with all that fancy wrought iron work and the pretty arm rests and all. You know the kind I am talkin’ about. Anyhow, I sat down on that thing and had me a good old hi-ho time wavin’ at everybody that was passin’ by, and visitin’ with some of the folks. It was a jim-dandy-cotton-candy old time.

Well, that is, it was, until I decided to get up and go on with my shoppin’. I stood up and the bench pew came up with me. Yes siree, I was stuck. That thing was wedged onto my sittin’ down place somethin’ fierce. I couldn’t shake it off. I couldn’t even pry that thing off.

What to do? Well, there wasn’t much else to do, but just to go on with my shoppin’. It would have been a right nice arrangement if it weren’t for innocent bystanders. You know, carryin’ around your own sittin’ seat is okay, ‘cause when you get tired you can sit down anywhere.

I was walkin’ down the street with that thing stuck on my sittin’ down place, when I heard some gigglin’ and laughin’ and such carryin’ on. I didn’t pay much mind until the Sheriff came out and started laughin’ at me. Well, now you know that he is my husband. I sure got mad at him. He didn’t even try to help me, he just stood right there and laughed, slappin’ his leg like he was havin’ himself a fine time. I told him off. I told him that when he got home I was goin’ to give him a twenty-one-gun salute. He got a bit embarrassed and just slipped back into his office, real quiet like.

When I went home, I commenced to eatin’ my weight in brown beans, and let me tell you, five hundred pounds of brown beans is a powerful lot of beans. I was ready when Sheriff came home. The house stunk worse than a skunk and it didn’t let up all night. He didn’t think it was so funny anymore. I guess it was a might funny, after all, it ain’t every day you see a five-hundred-pound woman with a bench pew stuck on her sittin’ down place.

Phillie Mae, I’m guessin’ I done told you more than I know. Come and visit with me for a while. But, if I was you, I’d wait a couple of days. The air ain’t quite cleared just yet. Anyhow, I’d like it real fine to visit with you soon.

So, this here is Betty Sue Whoareyou signin’ off.

P.S. Phillie Mae, I am still tryin’ to figure out how to get this thing off me. I’m powerful considerin’ to get that Fire Chief out here with the jaws of life. Bye now.

High School Reunion

Dear Betty Sue,

Hello again, old friend. What keeps you busy these days? Did you get all those 200 pounds of squash stored up for the winter? I don’t know why you grow so much food for just you and your husband, but to each his own I suppose. Whatever happened with the bench pew? Did you have to call the fire department out after all? When I read that last letter of yours, I fell out of my chair from laughing so hard and almost busted my hip. That was crazy. Now, don’t be planning to come visit me Betty Sue, I’m all done laughing at your predicament.

Lately, Frank has been talking about how old he is getting and how he thinks the end is near. He is such a gloomy character these days. The man is in perfect health, yet he thinks he needs to start exercising more and lifting weights and all those sorts of things. I think he is going through some sort of a crisis. I tell you what, Betty Sue, it sure didn’t help when we got an invitation to his fiftieth high school reunion in the mail; that really made him go off the deep end. He started drinking protein shakes, going to the gym every day, sometimes twice a day and hanging out with all these body builder types trying to get tips from them and so on. He comes home talking like them and asking me to feel his muscles and just acting like he’s so young again. He’s certain he’s going to show everyone up at the reunion. I almost laughed at him but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m glad he’s taking care of himself, but this seems a bit much.

Well, you see, I thought since Frank was getting all ‘buff’ and super fit for this reunion that I should be looking my best as well. So, I went and got my hair looking all extra beautiful, had my nails done, went to the spa, got the whole special treatment going on, what with the facials and wraps and such. Oh! Don’t even get me started on how many different stores I went to and dresses I tried on, trying to find the perfect one. That’s right, I had to look good so I wouldn’t be an embarrassment to him (although he never mentioned that I would be if I didn’t do anything like this). I never did get to be the beauty queen back when I was in high school but I thought maybe I could turn a head or two at this reunion. I know, it was silly of me, but I just couldn’t help myself.

That evening, we went down town to the reunion hall, got ourselves all signed in with our name badges on and went in to see who Frank would remember and who would remember him. There were the typical greetings of people you didn’t know too well and talking about the weather and such. Finally, one of his old friends showed up and we started to feel a bit more comfortable. Frank and Oswald started talking about their sports accomplishments and this game and that game and blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, I was bored.

I thought the evening was going to be lost in sporting memoirs and all my spa treatments for nothing (and of course Oswald was single so there was no Mrs. Oswald to chat with) when ‘SHE’ came in; Agnes T. Pickleberry. I had no idea who she was; except that she happened to be an exceptionally odd dressed character who entered the room and circled around a few times as if on a wild hunt for someone in particular. She went from person to person shoving everyone around just to read their name badges and as luck would have it, stopped when she got to my Frank. She exclaimed, Oh Frankie! There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! It’s been too long Frankie! We simply must catch up! Her voice sounded like they were more than just friends, which made me sick. Before Frank could get a single word out she snatched him up from the table and took him somewhere out of sight! I don’t mind telling you Betty Sue; my dander was up! I was plumb angry at this point! I said, Oswald! Who in the world is she?! And why did she kidnap my husband?! He said, albeit very nervously, noticing how angry I was, Agnes T. Pickleberry.

Agnes T. Pickleberry! I said. That tells me nothing! Who is she?! Some old girlfriend of his or something? He sure never mentioned her to me. Oswald was kind enough to tell me about Agnes (or perhaps he was just too scared of me not to tell me). You see, Ophelia, it just so happens that our Frank over there is not the only Frank in this class. Agnes T. Pickleberry was the girlfriend of the other Frank. I guess she has mistaken your Frank for him. Her eyesight has always been bad, it must have gotten worse over the years. I was relieved that Agnes had the wrong Frank but now I had to save him from her! Ha!

Oswald and I got up to start looking for Frank and Agnes. We went down several halls in the place but couldn’t find them anywhere. I was getting concerned thinking maybe she really did kidnap him. We started going in all the offices. Oh! What a nightmare! Some lady that thinks they are ‘meant to be’ was holding my poor Frank captive! We were about to give up hope when we finally found them. Someone else had found them first. Before we were close enough to see what was going on in that office we heard them yelling at each other. I just knew you would be here with that other Frank! You always did love him more than me! Well guess what Agnes T. Pickleberry! It’s not my fault I was smart instead of being a jock! You know what else?! I’m a multi-millionaire! I own several companies around the world! Can ‘HE’ give you all that?! Agnes was crying uncontrollably. I came here tonight because I finally worked up the nerve to propose to you! This is what I get! Serves me right I guess. (Oswald told me this was Frank Hipkin.) Away he went with his head down, poor, poor guy. Agnes immediately blamed my Frank for not telling her he wasn’t Hipkin. She said everything was all his fault and commenced to yelling at him. Frank told her, Now you look here Agnes T. Pickleberry! I told you several times this evening that I am not Hipkin and that you have made a mistake! You have refused to listen to me because you had your rose-colored love goggles on and just didn’t want to hear it! Now look what you’ve done! If I were you, I would go and chase that man down, apologize for this mess, get married and finally enjoy being with the love of your life! Away she went, running as fast as her legs would carry her. What Frank told her (at the end at least) was so sweet I couldn’t help but be proud of him.

We had ourselves a good laugh about that one I tell you, Betty Sue. It sure made for one interesting evening. Who would have thought that Frank would ever be one to get himself stuck in the middle of a love triangle? Stranger things have happened I suppose.

I’ve done told you all I know. Write to me soon old friend.

Your Friend,

Ophelia

P. S. I guess I didn’t get to turn any heads at this reunion after all. Just my luck.

P. P. S. Frank’s workout routine was all for nothing too, as only three people really saw him that night. Ha!

Betty Sue Goes to

A Wedding

Dear Phillie Mae,

I am hopin’ you’re okay. I sure am sorry that you and Frank went through all that torture of beautifyin’ yourselves, seems like