The Neighbours

By Richard James

A child/teenage comedy about two warring neighbours from hell, set in the backdrop of an ice-skating school. Two neighbouring families, the Fox's and the Weasel's hate each other.

They hate each other so much they:
- set traps
- ruin parties
- put up hedges twenty metres high
- build garish extensions
- dig basements four-floors deep
- tunnel under each other's garden

Both families love ice-skating. But their differences soon put them on a collision course when foreign coaches arrive to teach their children. The story takes an unexpected turn when they have to work together to save the country from a 'Russian Invasion'.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9780244557508

Richard James

Richard James is a tour operator specialising in historical treks of the Kokoda Track in Papua New Guinea. He has personally led hundreds of Australians across the Kokoda Track and has met many war veterans from the 7th Division who fought in Syria before going on to fight on the Kokoda track the following year. It is from here his passion to write his first book grew.

Book preview

The Neighbours

THE NEIGHBOURS

By Richard James

Copyright

Copyright © 2020 R J Hartman

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing: 2020

ISBN 978-0-244-55750-8

Publisher: www.lulu.com

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The Neighbours Story

To my parents...

Chapter 1 - The Fox's and the Weasel's

The Fox and Weasel family lived next door to each other in two semi-detached houses at numbers 20 and 22 Semicircular Gardens, Middlemarch, Middleshire. The town planner had originally named their road after a very famous person but the townsfolk complained that vandals kept adding the letter ‘B’ to Ellend road.  Therefore it was promptly renamed.

The town planner, not known for his vivid imagination, had voted to name the streets after shapes, including: Parabolic Parade, Trapezium Arches, Parallel Crescent and many other shapes which conveniently matched the shapes of the streets.

Presently, the Fox and the Weasel families were trying to think up schemes to annoy each other. In fact they hated each other. This is how much the families hated each other:

Now, as you can see, they really didn't like each other. And as Mr Middle drove home along the cul-de-sac in Middlemarch, the two families were at it again. The Weasel family had just pulled off their latest stunt against the Fox’s. Mr Wally Weasel had decided to stage a pretend car crash. He had waited just down the road in his car with the engine running for Mr Ferdy Fox to pull out of his driveway. His three children sat patiently in the back and Mrs Gabby Weasel sat in the front encouraging her husband. As soon as Ferdy released the hand-brake and rolled down his driveway, Wally hit the accelerator hard and drove at the car. Ferdy saw him just in time and stopped to let him pass but Wally deliberately drove into him. They both got out of their cars.

FOX, you crazy idiot, watch where you are going fumed Wally, shaking his rather large, balding head.

I saw you and stopped but you drove into me... Perhaps you are the one that needs your eyes testing replied Ferdy folding his arms, and looking down at the end of his nose at Wally.

The rest of the Weasel family had now joined their father and proceeded to list their injuries - they had been rehearsing them for two whole days. His wife Gabby, a middle-aged, slightly chubby lady with long, beautiful hair, brushed chocolate-muffin crumbs off of her lap and presented each of her three children one at a time, all the while shaking her head and tutting at Ferdy. Vicky, the middle child, spoke first.

"I have 'messeduphairdo' and 'ribtickleyitis'" fumed the seventeen year old, dark-haired child.

"I have whiplash, 'sicklash', 'hiccoughlash', tuberculosis, and 'wonkyfootcreep'" fumed Martha Weasel stamping her feet after every syllable. Martha was the youngest - an eight-year old blonde, blue-eyed, little brat.

"I have bumsore, 'littlefingersore' and tropical 'batpoosore'" said William Weasel, the eldest.

Sorry to hear that said Ferdy trying to hold back a laugh, but you can't seriously expect me to believe that you obtained all those from that crash? It was just a nudge, you were only doing ten miles an hour at most...

Ferdy inspected the damage to the cars. Apart from a small dent and a cracked lamp, there appeared to be little other damage and his European flag car-sticker remained pride of place in the centre of the back windscreen. Wally's car on the other hand, had suffered a cracked front windscreen, which ran straight through his union-jack car-sticker.

The two men stood in front of each other, their bodies now pressed up close and pointed their fingers at each other's car. Ferdy, being tall and slim, towered above Wally. He made a sweeping movement through his glossy greying hair, all the while staring at Mr Weasel's balding head.

You are making it up said Ferdy.

Prove it, said Wally furiously, "we are going to get compensation... Now... Just give me your insurance details and I can get on with the claim for twenty-million pounds."

Twenty-million... gasped Ferdy in horror.

Yep nodded Wally, strumming his rather large belly.

It's only fair snapped Gabby, after what you put us through and all the injuries and stuff... Wouldn't want to get the police involved would we? She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head.

Now hang on a sec said Ferdy waging his finger at Gabby.

Miss Amelia Fox, Ferdy's daughter, sauntered down the driveway and joined her father at his side. She was rather 'foxy' to say the least. She already had a modelling contract at the age of seventeen and had the phone number of every eligible, rich bachelor in town. But to her annoyance,  Amelia shared the same birthday and was exactly the same age as her Nemesis next door - Vicky Weasel; this made them hate each other even more.

"I saw the whole thing… You drove deliberately at my father," said Amelia assuredly, pointing at Wally.

"Well... You would say that wouldn't you... Daddy's little girl" said Vicky poking out her tongue.

Liar Liar... Hair on fire replied Amelia.

Don't call me that screamed Vicky, it's bad enough that you share my birthday.

Amelia smiled. "Did the car-crash give you 'uglyfaceitis' also... Oh no... Silly me... You were ugly anyway." She gave a haughty laugh. Her father also let out a chuckle but turned it quickly into a cough.

Well let's hope that you get a new face as a present for your birthday tomorrow... replied Vicky furiously. Oh... and a personality.

Now now Amelia that’s enough, said Arabella Fox, Ferdy’s wife, who had come out of her house to investigate the commotion. Like her daughter she was pretty, and she too sauntered down the driveway, donning a pink sarong and matching scarf.

That's right my husband didn't do a thing... Come away dear... Let's go inside.

You haven't heard the last of this shouted Wally.

There is nothing more to say replied Arabella, you have made all this up just so that you can get some compensation to replace your clapped out old car... I think it's disgraceful.

Gabby stepped forward - ‘the battle of the mums’ began.

You Fox’s with your 'airs and graces' are no different to us Weasels.. She stepped forward a little, gaining confidence with each word.

I heard that  you sailed to the Caribbean in a yacht stuffed full with bags of cash that were the profits from your cleaning business, just so you wouldn't have to pay tax? Gabby smiled at her husband.  Wally held his hands together in a  handcuff gesture.

Arabella backed away, I don't know what you mean... she said losing a step, tripping on a garden gnome. She emitted a loud gasp as the gnome's hat poked her on the bottom. Amelia rushed to her rescue, disentangling her from the gnome whilst brushing down her sarong. 

Over the other side of the street, Mr Middle