Crossroads (A Phoenix Novella)

By Claire Farrell

Phoenix is busy helping Ava come to terms with what happened to her when a death on the Senate puts him in the spotlight. If he doesn’t find the culprit, then he’ll be the one shouldering the blame. But he soon uncovers that things aren’t as black and white as they first appear, and the time for making irrevocable choices has come sooner than he anticipated.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Claire Farrell
• Release date: Apr 29, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370992614

Claire Farrell

Claire Farrell is an Irish author who spends her days separating warring toddlers. When all five children are in bed, she overdoses on caffeine in the hope she can stay awake long enough to write some more dark flash fiction, y/a paranormal romance and urban fantasy.

Book preview

One

Phoenix parked his car on a quiet road then walked toward the entrance of a quaint little cul-de-sac, mentally bracing himself. As he passed through the invisible barrier there, a wave of magic engulfed him. It had always been present, indistinguishable to most, but lately the sensation had grown along with its mistress’s power.

He could see her already, her red hair alight in the full moon’s glow. Ava Delaney sat cross-legged on the roof of her cottage at the end of the drive, her back to him, and her arms bare despite the evening’s chill. She never seemed afraid anymore. Just sad.

He pitied her. Envied her, too.

It would have been easier to leave, to let it alone, but something he didn’t recognise kept his feet moving until he reached her home. So late at night, he likely wouldn’t disturb any other occupants, yet he felt like an intruder. Her inner circle didn’t trust him. He knew that much.

It didn’t take him long to climb onto the red roof to sit next to her.

She looked at him with a pained gaze. How did you know I was up here?

He brushed dirt off his palms against the knees of his jeans. Saw you.

She glanced over her shoulder as though realising for the first time how exposed she was. Oh.

She was always pale, but this counted as wan. Purple bags cupped her blue eyes, and her hair was loose and free to blow in her face. He brushed a lock of hair behind her ears, his breath catching in his throat at the grief in her downcast expression.

She had been the target of a mistake, and she was still paying the price. A lonely teenage girl had summoned a demon who tricked her into making a wish. The wish had caused Ava’s humanity to be stolen from her, leaving only the most basic instincts behind. The side of Ava she so fiercely kept hidden had been exposed; she was still trying to adjust. And he felt partly responsible because the summoning spell had been hidden in a book he had given the girl. Ava was suffering for his mistakes as much as Ari’s, and he had no idea if she blamed him.

He cleared his throat, suddenly unsure of himself. How are you feeling? Any side-effects from the magic?

Fine. She shrugged. I don’t think so. How would I know?

The magic here is growing stronger, he said. The barrier is—

That’s because I’m different now. She waved a hand. Changed.

Not for the worse. Her growing power was something to be celebrated—the true currency of the world they inhabited. This surge in strength only benefits those you wish to protect.

Right. She hugged her knees to her chest. And if I’m what they need protection from?

They won’t. It’s over. It was a twist of fate and trickery. And even though you lost your humanity, you didn’t kill. You finally unleashed your darkest power, and it didn’t destroy you. It merely made you greater.

It made me a monster. I attacked people I love, innocent people, people who didn’t deserve to feel afraid because of me. She ducked her head, pressing her forehead against her knees and muffling her voice. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

This wasn’t your fault.

Do you think that matters? To anyone?

To the people who matter to you, yes. He brushed his hand through her hair. Look at me.

She did, her cheeks wet with tears that she made a weak attempt to dry with her shoulder. "I can’t wake up next time with blood on my hands."

Next time?

"You have to promise me, swear, that you’ll kill me if it happens again. If I ever become… that thing again, you have to stop me before I hurt anyone."

He didn’t hesitate. No.

She flinched. What?

I said no. He took her hand and held it in his. I won’t kill you.

Somebody will. She swallowed hard. Considering everything that’s happened, you’d be… most efficient.

Nobody will. I won’t let them.

This time, it was her looking at him with pity. "I can’t guarantee I won’t lose myself to this again, and you all can’t keep fighting the Senate to protect me either. You don’t understand how I feel right now. I’m feeling emotions—desires—that I never have before. I’m close to falling on the wrong side. I feel it, right there, that darkness inside me. It’s rising to the surface, and I can’t stop it. Whatever I did to hide it before… Ari’s demon broke down the wall, and now I’m helpless."

You’re not helpless. He ran his thumb across her palm. She didn’t see clearly yet. It’s a temptation. You’ve beaten temptations before.

I tasted blood again. It’s there. She shook him off and held her hand to her throat. It might always be there. Her lower lip trembled. I hurt Carl, and I said sorry, but I’m a hypocrite because all I can think about when I’m around him is the way his heart beats just a little faster than everyone else. And I swear he knows, but he won’t do the smart thing and keep away from me. We’re so bad for each other, but I just don’t know how to make any of this better.

It takes time. He’s a good friend to you, and he’ll understand if you talk to him about it.

Haven’t I put him through enough? I felt their fear, you know. They were all so afraid of me, and it was like that part of me fed on it. Except Carl. He wasn’t scared at all, and somehow, that’s worse. She dug a hand into her hair and pulled. "I should leave. I should kill myself, but I’m a coward. I don’t want to die like this."

He gripped her shoulder hard. Stop this. This isn’t you.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know! Her breaths came out in gasps. I’m holding on by my fingertips. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel so… so violated. Dirty. She held out her arms and stared at herself in disgust. "This skin isn’t even mine anymore. That demon took everything. I feel like I don’t even belong here anymore. Everything that was safe is gone. Everything good, destroyed. I don’t know what’s left. I’m not me."

You were forced to see a side of yourself that you find distasteful, he said. It’s understandable that it’s taking you a while to come to terms with that.

I had no control. I’m supposed to be strong, supposed to be able to take care of myself, but I had to watch my body being used, and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. And no matter how much you and Carl protest my innocence, I’m still being punished for it with every waking second. I swore I’d never allow anyone to make me feel so weak again, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. She shook her head, her mouth thin and grim. "I can’t see home anymore. I feel… everything now, Phoenix."

He shifted closer. In what way?

Her breathing calmed some. That was a start. Before, I had vague feelings about lost souls and the like, but they’re out there, so many of them, adrift and needing help. They’re like strings tied to my skin, pulling a piece of me farther away every moment I don’t help them. She looked at him, anguished. How am I supposed to help them all?

One at a time. This is panic, Ava. You understand panic. You’ve overcome it before.

She released a shaky laugh. That took years. I don’t have years. I don’t have time to screw everything up. She sucked in a shaky breath. You know what’s worse? I spent my whole childhood being told how bad I was, and a part of me, a tiny part of me, held on to the hope that my grandmother was wrong. That all of those people were wrong about me. That tiny drop of hope kept me going, and now it’s all gone because of one teenage girl’s throwaway remark. Everything I’ve built has been destroyed, and everyone I care about got to see it. They all watched me become the very thing I promised them I wasn’t. She gazed up at the moon, her lower lip trembling. "I was wrong all along. I am the monster."

Somebody else’s mistake doesn’t unbalance the scales. You try to do good.

She didn’t speak, didn’t react at all. Why couldn’t he find the words to help her?

It’s all over now. He wanted to touch her soul, to show her how he saw her. We overcame it.

What if it’s not over? What if that side of me ultimately wins? I was made to fight a holy war. I thought that meant something, but what if I don’t get to choose which side I’m on? A visible shudder ran through her entire body. We have to be sensible about this. We have to have… a system. I’m terrified I’ll… Look, Phoenix, I’m serious. I’d rather die than feel so helpless again, so you need to promise me that you’ll end my life if something like that happens again.

He lifted her onto his lap in one swift movement. She was too stunned to struggle.

He held her closer, willing her to see the truth. You are not a monster, and you’ll never be one. If you feel like you’re losing control, then I’ll hold your hand and stay with you until you figure it out. I’ll make sure you see home again. But I won’t kill you.

Even my friends would. But her gaze had caught his, and he knew she was finally listening to him rather than the doubts in her head.

Only the very foolish ones. He grinned. Her returning smile was automatic but warm. The scared ones, perhaps. The ones who give up too easily, maybe, but when it came down to it, even those who were the first to claim they would kill you couldn’t do it when they actually had the chance.

I’m surrounded by idiots. But her shoulders had already relaxed.

I see the same person when I look at you. He held her closer. The thirst and the ferocity, the vulnerability and the ability to love… they’re just pieces of a whole. Why focus on one part when all of them work together?

She held his gaze, and he saw past the fear to the strength that was still there. She would survive, as she always did. Why are you even helping me? I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I think I’ve made that clear to everyone.

Because.

You need to sleep, he said instead, noting the exhaustion in her voice. A good night’s sleep would do you wonders.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly since… She stared into the distance. I keep dreaming of Gabe. He’s trying to tell me something, but I can’t hear him.

The last time she’d been so miserable had been after Gabe’s death. Guilt had threatened to drown her then as it did now. It was time for a change in tack. Do you know what it was like for me when my memories were gone?

She sniffed, her troubled expression shifting to empathic in a split second. That was just like her. It was difficult for you.

He hesitated. There was no closing some doors.

She cupped his cheek. It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it.

He wanted to, always seemed ready to blurt secrets in her presence. I think that my mother had to dig deep to rid me of my memories of my wife and children. I think that they were so connected to everything I was, to the man I had become, that she had to purge too much from me. That was Ava’s problem. She’d tied herself to an image she couldn’t live up to and was grieving the loss.

I’m so sorry.

Her concern warmed his heart. I know you are. You feel so much too deeply. And I’m learning from you. Do you understand that?

She froze into place. He had to be careful. Too much truth would feel like a cage, and she was the freest bird he knew.

He ran his fingers along her bare arm to keep him from foolishness. But nothing led him toward foolishness quite like the woman in his arms. "I don’t know how many years it was. I was in a daze for quite some time. Nothing connected. The remaining memories no longer made sense. The gaps left me confused, ill-equipped to deal with the simplest of tasks. She