The Dog's Dinner. The Avaganda Book of Short Stories

By Albert Benson

The Dog's Dinner.
The Avaganda Book of Short Stories.
Warning: this book does not contain any doggie stories. It refers to the old practice of throwing all the leftovers into the dog's bowl. The Dog's Dinner. And that's what this is, a number of genres thrown into the one book.
Eviction Notice: A science fiction story of what happens when aliens buy the planet earth at a galactic auction, believing it is inhabited by dinosaurs. Boy, do they get a shock.
The Mortician: A creepy horror story of what happens when a mortician cracks up.
Unselfish Love: How a pregnant woman nearly sacrifices herself and her unborn child to save her husband.
Hero: A science fiction story of tribute to the exploits of how a Native American squaw, Swift Fox, saved the universe.
Renfield: A modern take on Dracula's helper.
Journey: The last moments of a condemned man's life and his final walk up the thirteen steps to his doom.
Miriam Specklebecker, Galactic Warrior. A jokey science fiction story of how a woman chosen at radom by aliens is forced to fight a fearsome alien for control of the planet earth.
Rugs (the most dangerous threat to mankind) Practically every home has one, some more, are they the innocent things they appear to be? Or are they something more sinister?
Sadie. A problem page writer that decides to take the law into her own hands.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Albert Benson
• Release date: May 20, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458025241

Book preview

The Dog’s Dinner.

The

Avaganda

Book

of

Short Stories

By

Albie Benson

Copyright 2011 Albie Benson

Smashwords Edition

Licence Notes

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Eviction Notice

Where is this place?

I think we should have taken a left at Alpha Centauri.

Oh, now you tell me. Computer.

Yes.

Turn around and go back to Alpha Centauri.

Yes.

Computer.

Yes.

Remind me to have you replaced when we get back home.

Yes.

There's better models than you on the market.

Yes.

Computers that you can have a conversation with.

Yes.

Shut up, I hate sarcastic computers.

Calm down, it's not the computer's fault.

Yes it is, I told it where the planet was, it should have taken us right there. Instead we are lost in some back of beyond.

May I interrupt?

What is it computer.

We have arrived.

Arrived where?

At the third planet.

The third planet where?

The third planet in the 20031 solar system, in the Ragatine Galaxy.

I thought we were lost.

No you thought we were lost, if you had consulted me, rather than taken me for granted, I would have told you we were on course.

See what I mean, a sarcastic computer.

The computer's right, we didn't ask it.

Fine, fine, fine, go on blame me.

No one's blaming you. Anyway, how many can we bring back?

They said they'd take as many as we could bring back. Now on the computer's calculation, we can fit nearly ten thousand in the ship's hold.

But they would have to be kept separate, because some will eat others.

Yes, I know that, the hold's already been sectioned. Computer take us into orbit and start beaming them up. Ten thousand at a million per unit is ten billion, ha, ha, we're rich, rich. I told you it was a good idea to buy those old deeds, that planet is ours, and just think when the big corporations find out about the units they'll be falling over themselves to invest.

But Aloysius, no one's been there for the last five hundred million wangs, things could have changed.

Ethelburga, it's a known fact that they don't evolve like other species. The Capital zoo has been breeding and cloning them for the last six hundred million wangs, and they just remain true to type, they don't change.

Are you sure the export licenses are in order?

Yes, stop worrying. Computer, have you started beaming them up yet?

I cannot locate any.

What?

The planet is devoid of dinosaurs.

No dinosaurs, no dinosaurs, what do you mean?

I mean exactly what I say, there are no dinosaurs on this planet.

Well you've got the wrong planet then.

This is the planet according to your co-ordinates.

Some gangle's illegitimate offspring has pinched them, they've got here before us and pinched the lot. I'm going to ring the police. This is my planet, I bought the deeds honestly, and it says in the deeds, indigenous life, mammals, reptiles, sub classification dinosaurs, all kinds. See, see, it says so here.

Yes, I know Aloysius, calm down. Computer, is there any life on the planet?

Yes.

Well what is it?

The dominant species are humans.

Humans, humans. Aloysius banged his eight fingered four fists on the control panel. Humans, the vermin of the universe. That's that bloody Kaynak and his genetic experiments ten million wangs ago. It's okay, I've got a plan, we'll clone some dinosaurs from the couple at the zoo and in a hundred wangs they will populate the planet again. Computer, irradiate the planet, kill all the humans.

I am sorry. I cannot do that.

Why not?

Intergalactic regulation number three, six, eight, eight, seven, six, two, two, two, zero, zero, zero, five, seven, seven, section four, sub paragraph B, states that when a human population develops communication they cannot be eradicated.

They're vermin, they ruin everywhere they go, they fight, they pollute, they're obnoxious. Look, just irradiate the planet, no one will know, no one even knows they're here, what's a couple of thousand humans.

Billions.

What?

There are eight billion humans.

Eight billion, on that little planet?

Yes.

Eight billion, they must be living on top of one another. See Ethelburga, what did I tell you about these humans, they'll overrun the universe, they're the greatest danger the universe has ever faced. What sort of communication have they reached?

They can speak all the universal languages, have developed a primitive mode of transportation, and have nuclear weapons.

See Ethelburga, humans with nuclear weapons. Computer, how long have they had these nuclear weapons?

Just over twelve standard wangs.

Twelve wangs, in another ten they will destroy my planet. Right computer, get onto the Council in the Capital, apply for an eviction order, serve them with an eviction notice, and tell them to get off my planet.

Contact made with Council.

Aloysius drummed sixteen suckered digits.

Eviction order applied for.

Aloysius drummed twenty four suckered digits.

Council acknowledges eviction order.

Aloysius drummed thirty two suckered digits.

Aloysius stop frowning, your developing worry lines on your proboscis. Ethelburga said stroking his mandible.

The Council says that you have to go and speak to the humans first, if they refuse to leave, then you must apply for a court order. However, they may have planetary rights if they have been there for more than one million standard wangs.

No one knows how long they've been there, probably the humans don't even know how long they've been there.

The Council says that they will send a representative in the next couple of wangs.

When exactly?

They cannot say exactly, but your application is on file.

Ask them if I can just irradiate the planet?

They say no, because irradiation can only be done by Council employees, and beside, they say, it seems these humans have developed into a species.

Tell the Council they are not a species, they are a genetic experiment.

The Council said that their status will be discussed at the next full Council meeting.

Tell the Council I want something done now.

The Council reiterate their first statement that you will have to speak with the humans first.

Do I have to speak with them? What am I paying my taxes for if I have to do the Council's work myself? I can't stand them, they're so ugly. I hate bipeds, and they stink, they give off this obnoxious aroma to attract one another.

I wouldn't know dear, I've never met one.

Take my advice they have disgusting habits. Did you know they take food in at the top three times a day, and it comes out the bottom.

What, three times a day and the food comes back out?

Yes, it comes back out, they only take so much from the food and the rest is wasted, then they just leave this waste all over the place, and their bodies secrete this liquid, that stinks as well.

That sounds really disgusting.

It is, but that's not the half of it, all they seem to do is cavort naked and copulate.

Oh I'm sorry Aloysius, I'm not going down there, you'll have to go on your own.

Ethelburga, we'll be all right, we'll have a force field, non of the stinky bipeds will be able to come near us.

If you say so, but I don't fancy it.

Computer.

Yes.

Fix us up with two force fields and beam us down to wherever their leaders congregate.

Force fields activated, location found, the United Nations, New York City, North America.

Oh computer, be ready to beam us back at a moment's notice. Are you ready Ethelburga?

Ready Aloysius.

Okay computer, we're ready.

They disappeared and reappeared outside the United Nations.

Oh Aloysius, what's that stink?

Humans Ethelburga, that's what they smell like.

Ooh, they're funny looking little things, aren't they?

Hey man, great makeup.

Please do not speak to us human, and please keep your distance or you will be harmed by our force field.

That is great, you've even got the funny voice, how did you do that?

Aloysius, more humans are gathering around us.

Don't worry Ethelburga, the force field will keep them back.

Are you with a film crew?

"Is there a Star Trek convention going on?

Can I have your autograph?

Hey man, how did you make your trunk move like that, is there motors in there?

Do not touch human.

It looks so real, and it feels so real.

Computer, the force field is not working.

I'm sorry, but their pollution is blocking the signals.

Human, do not touch me again.

Aloysius, they are touching me all over.

Human, take me to your leader.

Aloysius, what is that noise they are making, and why are they falling over holding their sides.

I don't know Ethelburga, I'll try it again. Human take me to your leader.

Aloysius, more of them are falling over, some of them have liquid coming from their eyes.

Human, take me to your leader.

Aloysius why are they all rolling on the floor?

I don't know Ethelburga.

Aloysius, there are more humans coming. I'm frightened.

So am I. Computer beam us back. Computer, computer.

Hey man, that should be beam us up Scottie.

Computer.

Wow, they disappeared.

Fantastic.

That was the best special effect I've ever seen.

It was a hologram, they just turned it off.

Hey no way man, I touched its trunk, it was real.

So did I.

And I did.

It was a hologram.

"Hey man, do you think they were really