The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

Written by Alan Downs, PhD

Narrated by Alan Downs

The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out,” but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger—a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide. 
 
Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Highbridge Company
• Release date: Jun 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781611746464

Reviews for The Velvet Rage

[Kon Krawczyk · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Thank you for filling the void of honest understanding of gay male experience.
I will recommend this book to many of my friends, queer and straight alike.

[Pedro Manuel Carvallo Ponce · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a great book for gay man that are looking for a meaningful change in their life.

[Gabriel Duran · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Livro poderoso que absolutamente todos gays PRECISAM e devem conhecer! Trata-se de uma publicação sensível que nos situa em qualquer momento da vida que estejamos e, em paralelo, nos faz nos encontrar e auxiliar no processo de nos expressarmos com autenticidade genuína.

[Mike · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A great book explaining how gay men struggle with shame throughout their lives. Alan demonstrates the three stages of coming to terms with shame and identity, and at the same time giving insights into changing and accepting our authentic self. All gay men struggle with feelings of shame growing up in a straight world, whether they realise it or not. I found the book helpful in addressing and understanding my own struggles. Alan reads in a calm and comforting way so you never lose interest in what he has to say. An important book which I highly recommend.

[Marco Martinez · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Amazing journey, incredible empathetic litte stories, and talk from the Gear.

[KUSHAL PRATAP SINGH · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

So happy to complete My first book ever !!! I can say THE VELVET RAGE is almost my personal journey of life ....my experiences & emotions that I felt in my life till now..it is ? such an empowering and life changing book that touched me to my core being a Gay Man in his almost mid 30’s , made me understand a lot about myself, about my parents, about my friends & about my past relationships too. & at the same time making me learn & help with the life skills required to turn myself into a better man, a better person , providing me with ways to deal with my weaknesses . My shortcomings , how to deal people . Take LIFE AS IT IS ... how to react and practice simple things in day to day life situations , to grow & develop as an individual & give my best to my relationships with people whom I love .. Feeling quite lucky & happy to enjoy my journey through the entire book as an audio book as well in the awesome modulating & very appealing voice of the great Author of this book Alan Downs himself .. In fact my first book audio that Experience ever ... I truly believe it is a MUST READ..& I HIGHLY recommend each gay guy for sure & any one having a gay child or a gay friend out there to read it...

[Rodney Lui · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

My partner referred the paperback version of this book to me and I started and didn’t really finish it. Now I have as an audiobook!

How beautifully written and honestly true is this telling of gay men’s emotional lives! I loved this book beyond words!

[Benoit Chambaron · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

It’s an eye opening. A must for any person who wants to understand what it feels like to grow up as a gay man.

[Sam Wilson · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Incredible. I highly recommend that all gay men read this. It has greatly assisted me in building a life where I no longer compensate for shame. I have found true joy in following the principals in this book.

[Angel Quintanilla · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Beautiful book but doesn’t live up completely to nows society

[John Znidarsic · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book is just marvelous! I highly recommend it to every man who wants some clarity in his life.+

[Jonathan Wigand · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This is a really interesting and illuminating book if you happen to be rich and white and cis and gay. I am actually offended at how much the author insists his specific experience is universal.

[Tommy · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I got through the introduction and two chapters until I fell into rage. The book is appropriately titled. My friend told me that the Velvet Rage was like his own autobiography. Upon listening to it myself I realized that I also feel the same way. The Velvet Rage has some hard to swallow truths and a lot of insight. I would urge all gay or 'non straight' men to read or listen.

[Umi Arenas · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I loved this book! Yes, there's a lot of generalizations and a lot of assumptions are made, but it still manages to feel extremely personal. I highly recommend.

[David Joseph Neville · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Just a refreshing look at life through the psychological development of humans. Plenty of examples of things to avoid and how to make things better in life. An especially good ending about choosing joy and incorporating joyful behaviors into your life.

[Alejandro J Neuman · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Its better if you discuss this book with your therapist. It will bring you great understanding of your gay (closeted or not) life and the relationship with yourself

[Steven Zhou · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

It's truly inspiring for me, to think about all the challenges one must encounter before maturity like the author. This book is for men in general, not just for gay men.

[stephencbird · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I was looking for a therapist and during one consultation this book was recommended to me. This work addresses problems that are classically inherent to gay men: body fascism, objectification, perfectionism, inauthenticity, "instamacy", abuse / self-abuse, shame. The author is at his best when focusing on the clinical aspects / analysis of the particular gay male subject is being discussed. In general -- This work is a very fast read.

When I arrived in NYC in the fall of 1980, promiscuity was the norm and rampant -- That's how I was introduced to gay life. I was relatively innocent and inexperienced; at first I was frightened by the gay bars. I was in over my head and I found many aspects of the cruising / pick up scenes to be overwhelming. The AIDS crisis arrived shortly thereafter, which in my case, amounted to living life in a state of fear. As a person who's sought out "harm reduction" by means of therapy, group therapy and 12 Step groups over the years -- I recognize that much of what Alan Downs, PhD recommends within this tome is derived from the 12 Step method. Mainly the idea of acceptance and how acceptance, when used as a tool, can change one's life; or from a Buddhist perspective -- Seeking "detachment"; learning to let go. "The Velvet Rage" also deconstructs the profound effect of shame, and how by refusing to let go of shame -- One ends up being inauthentic. Many of the gay men described in this book also suffer from a problem that I can relate to; one that causes tremendous existential angst-- That being the "inability to discern between, love, sex and affection".

A major weakness of this book, that has been commented on extensively in other reviews, is its tendency to focus on a particular type of gay man -- The capable, confident, fast lane, fast track to success kind of guy who jumps form one city, and or apartment, to the next; the "glistening" phony who'll hang on your every word -- Just to drop you like a hot potato. Although I've observed many of these types of men from afar, the queer men I've known have never been as driven or privileged as those described in this work. Thus at certain times while reading this text and searching for the common ground / attempting to empathize -- I couldn't help feeling like an "outsider among outsiders".

It's unfortunate that gay men can be cruel to one another; omnipresent rainbow flags notwithstanding, this lack of mutual empathy among queer men is the downside of the "rapier wit" that Dr. Downs references in this book. Sex for its own sake (more likely for "men of a certain age" like myself) often becomes more trouble than it's worth. Ultimately, after reading this text, I'm faced once again with the same questions that I encounter when seeking whatever method of "self-improvement": Does a gray area between "fast track party animal" and "morally superior reformed sinner" actually exist? How does one find "contentment" without turning into a veritable saint? ..... I'm still not sure.

[robfwalter · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This book attempts to address the shame that colours the early life of so many gay men, and it is the potential of this promise that makes the actual product so disappointing. I almost felt it was reinforcing gay shame in a whole new way as it railed against promiscuity (I'm not promiscuous), being in the closet (I'm totally out) and overachievement (I'm a full-time student at age 36). I kept waiting for the generalisations to end and the exercises to start. I wanted ways to uncover that shame and work through it, but instead all I got was a sense that I should be getting laid more, be more politically active and collect antique clocks.

Every time I read self help, I realise that reading the right novel would be so much more helpful for the self.

[kiddboyblue · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

While there were of course many generalized assumptions or observances about the gay community, for the most part this I book offered a very interesting and profound theory into the struggles of gay men that I came away from feeling so much more enlightened.
I have never in my life underlined, highlighted or written in the margins more in my life, then when reading this book. There was so much of myself I found in there, and so much for me to really think about and ingest.
I do think this is an important book, and even if you do not identify with everything Downs has to offer, it's still worth the read. I found insight into my friends, my past relationships, and of course myself throughout the entire book.
Insightful and in depth, Downs has really put forth a powerful theory that is worth knowing and discussing. I think every gay man should read this book.

[michaelc0oliveira · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I wish the book was split between the author's experiences and his advice for gay men. Too many of the examples/anecdotes were used to make generalizations about all gay men. I did find the last third of the book to be more constructive.

[laphenix · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book gave me a lot of perspective on friendships I've had, into myself, and offered great suggestions on how to address complications and struggles as they may arrive. Insightful, touching, and sincere.

[jimrgill · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

As self-help books go (and I will admit that I am not a fan of the genre), The Velvet Rage is actually quite good. The problematic issue with many self-help books is that the underlying philosophy (or approach, or methodology, or treatment, etc.) is based on the assumption that everyone who reads the book is suffering with or struggling with the same condition (e.g., obesity, addiction, unhealthy relationship). This kind of essentializing or pathologizing of a condition usually results in overly generic (i.e., pretty much useless) strategies for correcting the condition. This book, however, is based on a more solid foundation—the belief that most gay men face similar challenges during the course of their development. These challenges result in deep-seated shame that often precludes any ability to maintain healthy, loving adult relationships with other men. And on this point, Dr. Downs pretty much gets it right.

I recognized more of myself than I care to admit in Downs’ descriptions of men crippled by a shame that dooms any attempt at a loving relationship with another man. The book is therapeutic and enlightening without being overly patronizing. In other words, Downs explains how and why our contemporary culture (20th century America, to be exact) makes it well-nigh impossible for a gay man to grow up as a healthy, self-actualized person, yet he does not excuse any of us for our failure to overcome these obstacles. He uses clear, frank language and relates anecdotes from his private practice to illustrate the various ways in which gay men sabotage their own relationships. (Unfortunately, Downs’ practice seems limited to middle-class or upper middle-class white men, so there is not much diversity within the stories he tells. We do not get, for example, a clear idea of what it might be like to grow up poor and gay or black and gay or Latino and gay or Asian and gay…). More importantly, he offers practical, specific advice for overcoming the various stages of shame many of us grew up with. Downs never explicitly draws the comparison, but the shame-redemption process he describes seems to closely parallel the coming out process in general. And for many gay men, coming out is merely the first step on the long road toward mental, emotional health and self-acceptance.

[pewterbreath · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book on gay shame has done me a world of good. While some of the examples are really broad, the meat on this book still works for me. I can see how others wouldn't see it the same way though.